Something's Changed

In approximately a day and a half, I'll be returning to my "life". I was anxious about it (still am, a little), but today I realized something has changed...for the better.

This morning, I was texting (of course) with Mama K, who was under the impression I was going back to work today (she had a lot of wine this weekend, I'll forgive her for forgetting). We, of course, discussed the transition and I expressed the fact that I am nervous about returning to restricting and purging when met with the stress of my chaotic schedule and life. She texted back to me: "I really don't think you will let that happen at this point."

I thought to myself: oh yes I could! Trust me. I know how to screw this up. Been there, done that! This would not be the first time I have found myself in a good place, only to later self-destruct and return to old patterns at the first sign of distress.

After meeting with LA this afternoon, however, I realized that maybe I am different this time. Now I know what I didn't know back then, and indeed, something has changed. There was evidence of this evolution over the weekend as well, as I caught myself eating post-race Chicago deep dish pizza with my three running friends and smiled a litle inside. The Old Me certainly would have never touched it, regardless of running 13 miles beforehand. Surely, the pizza was a sign of progress in the right direction, and I may have come just far enough this time that there is really no turning back.

Perhaps I have reached the other side of the mountain LA encouraged me to chip with a spoon. Or at very least, I can see through to the other side and am no longer hanging out in the darkness.

More evidence that something (or some things...plural, even!) have changed:

1. I ran a half marathon without monitoring my Garmin for pace and time information every quarter mile. I just ran with the Chicago cityscape on one side and the lake's waves crashing up on the other, listening to whatever came on through my iPod (yep, you heard me right...not even a planned playlist...am I becoming Type B? Is that even possible?), and still crossed the finish line with a respectable time.

(Ok, I'm not going to lie to myself on that one...the time was respectable but I had a slight twinge of remorse when I saw it wasn't under 2 hours as it normally is...but I was able to let it go. Hey, I am who I am!).

2. I indulged in a massive carb fest the night before the race. LA had to make me feel ok about it during our meeting today, but in the moment I had no real issue with it and knew I needed to eat a lot to be able to run. I had a line from LA's scary email in my head as I was eating it: "You cannot be a successful athlete- and more importantly a healthy individual- if you are of low body weight." I did not feel guilty. I knew it was the right thing to do. I ate. I overate. I had a giant chocolate and caramel-covered pretzel rod afterwards too. I let it go because there was a reason for it (not crashing and burning while out on the course) and it was all good.

3. I told LA today it's time to step it up with the food because I have marathon training right around the corner. I need to eat a LOT to get through it. I need to be ok with it. I have never asked to step it up with food before, but today I told LA what we are going to do and she let out a little "yay!". It's time to hit the food hard. Let's get this show on the road. I have 26.2 miles to run in March, and the rest of my life ahead of me.

4. I bought cookies at the grocery store today. Yes, they are Kashi brand and made with whole grains, oatmeal, and dark chocolate. But in my world, they count as cookies. Slap a point up on my side of the scoreboard, thankyouverymuch.

5. I had to skip breakfast this morning thanks to an 8:00 AM ultrasound on my abdomen, and I was pissed. I wanted my peanut butter and banana shake. I can no longer fathom a life without that shake. So I'll probably continue to eat breakfast now that I've started back up again. Why the hell not.

6. My focus has shifted to being strong, not being small. While I still flinch at the thought of adding more calories to my day, I know I need to in order to be strong. Strong is beautiful. I want to be strong. In order to be strong, I may have to let go of "small". It'll be difficult to say good-bye, but knowing strength awaits makes it an acceptable trade-off.

7. I have allowed myself to trust a handful of people in my life, and they have proven to me I can rely on them unconditionally. Mama K may be right. I don't think I would allow myself to slip too far before reaching out to one of the few people I have grown to trust. Dr. Joe is a phone call or email away, and he can somehow always get information out of me during my appointments with him. LA even just got a new cell phone and is learning to text more efficiently. And I'm a constant-contact, wired-in, communcation-obsessed Millennial, so the fact that they tolerate this obnoxiousness from me works in my favor.

8. I locked myself out of the house on Friday after grabbing the dog's leash instead of my lanyard with the keys on it. After trying to open my car with the end of the leash, I collapsed in a fit of laughter on the front lawn. While cracking myself up I thought: holy shit, I have suddenly become such a mellow person.

(I throw this in there as #8 because anyone who knows how high-strung I can be will find this to be an out-of-character response from me during a mini-crisis...it is indeed indicative of some kind of change, I promise you).

Little things eventually add up to big things. Something has indeed changed, even aside from the eight notable changes I mentioned above (nine if you count the deep dish pizza...and you should!). I'm unsure of the catalyst (Dr. Joe? Running? LA? Friends? Me? The time off?), but I don't care at this point. I'm pretty sure things may have improved just enough over the last two weeks to give me the push I needed to get over the mountain.

Yeah...I threw the spoon away. The spoon-chipping worked in the beginning, but now it's time for the real excavation to begin. Anyone willing to trust me with a forklift (insert maniacal laugh here)?