Not Perfect...But Honest

I'm sitting at my kitchen table painting my nails an obnoxious and totally unprofessional color called "Juniper Jade". It is taking me back to my high school years, during which I arrived at my Catholic school each and every morning with "illegal" dark colored nails (which complimented the beaded necklaces and heavy Doc Martens on which I relied to accessorize my plaid uniform kilt).

I rarely paint my nails given the fact that I spend so much time outside of work at the gym, but am in need of a distraction at the moment and giving myself a jade-green manicure is doing the trick.

I haven't posted in a few days because, quite honestly, I wasn't sure what to say. My emotions are running high, I'm spending a lot of time and energy fighting off urges and internal battles, and I have been getting pummeled by some of the biggest stressors in my life at all at once. I'm a little tired from it all, and while I typically rely on this blog to pour out my honest experiences and insight, I am trying to overcome a new hesitancy to do so. Let me explain:

When I first started writing about my experience, I wondered if a time would come during which a commitment to honesty would be become a burden. I have posted regularly for several months now, and have never really struggled with the decision to put myself and my story out there.

Until now.

I posted several days ago about an experience that led to purging, which frustrated some. Yes. I struggled. I still am. Yes, those moments will happen.

This journey is not easy. It's not a short one, either. And, unfortunately, at times, it is a very lonely and isolated trip. I recognize the fact that it is frustrating to watch someone move forward and then take a few steps back. I get that. I also realize that those who know me best are not accustomed to watching me fail (example: purging this weekend), and that I have established a pattern in my life of setting goals and conquering them with lightning speed.

This is different.

It may sound like I'm making excuses. I am not, I assure you. If anything, I am my harshest critic in light of setbacks and failures (how do you think I got here?).

Obviously, some of the things I blog about appear to be setbacks to any right-minded person. If I read a post detailing a not-so-positive experience that did not end well, I would get angry too (actually, I do get angry...as I said, the majority of the disappointment is self-inflicted). But when I began this blog, I was committed to staying real, honest, and open about what it is truly like to battle the emotions, urges, and patterns associated with anorexia, exercise bulimia, and other eating disorders.  In the "real" battle against this disorder, recovery is not a straight line. There is no "quick fix", "cold-turkey", or "patch" to help me turn off the critical inner voice. There is no magic mirror that will help me to see my body for what it really is, or a pill to take to keep me from returning to past patterns in times of stress, pain, or emotional overload.

I know people are frustrated with me. I know people are angry at me for not fixing this yet. For every person who actually verbalizes their anger and frustration (yes, there have been some), there are probably another two or so who secretly want to shake me. I try to take this as a compliment...that people care enough to get anxious about my return to health. As LA once told me: "Even anger means the person still cares enough to express passion; it's indifference that indicates the person is not longer invested."

I was once scolded by Dr. Joe for stating that I thought I could beat this in a matter of weeks, so I understand why some maintain a naive sense of urgency about my recovery. I still, to a certain extent, hold onto that urgency as well (I have to, it's what drives me forward). However, I had to learn the complexities of this disorder the hard way, and have come to realize that with every layer that is pulled back, another (and often more complicated one) exists underneath.

What you read on here may not always be pretty. Recovery is not perfect. I am not perfect.

But I am a hard worker. I set goals. I achieve them regardless of setbacks (and there have been many in my life...more than most even know). Hopefully, those who follow this story have enough faith in me to see those qualities and know that, despite taking steps backward, I'll always keep working.

I'll continue to tell the honest story as best I can...both successes and failures. You can get mad. You can get frustrated. All I ask is that you also applaud the successes, help me if/when I come to you, and be there to make me laugh....

...even if you don't know what to say anymore. (And for god's sake, don't say that out loud...it reads "I've totally given up on you"...warped, I know...but find other phrasing if necessary)
...even if you want to strangle me for having a setback. (Save it. I've probably already beaten myself up more)

...even if you don't understand and never will. (That's ok. I still don't understand most of it)

...even if you wanted this to end, like, yesterday. (I probably want that more than you do)

Some of you know me well enough to know I will always return the favor.

It has taken me a long time to trust that others will stand by me and that I am not entirely alone in this world.
It has taken me even longer to open up in this way. I want to be able to continue to do so in a honest way without feeling that I have let others down with my setbacks.

I've learned to trust you. Please trust me that I am trying very, very hard to repair this as quickly as possible.