All or Nothing, Black or White.

I've never really thought of myself as an all-or-nothing/ black-or-white type of person. I can accept the shades of gray that exist in the world and in life; I'm able to see multiple perspectives on a given situation, I have learned the art of compromise (though The Mr. may disagree with that point).

Despite this, the following phrase has come out of LA's mouth three times in the last week: "There's that black and white thinking again!"

When an observation is presented to me once, I can generally ignore on the basis of "they don't really know me" (when, in fact, these crazy therapy people are coming to know me better than 90% of those in my life). But when it's been stated multiple times, I owe it to myself to take a closer look.

Prompted by LA's insight, I've come to realize that when it comes to my own life, the all-or-nothing/ black-or-white mentality is applied on an almost hourly basis. Recent examples of this include:

• My approach to workouts: "I intended to teach two classes, swim, and lift this evening. I taught two classes, swam two miles, but neglected to lift...therefore the workout does not count and I need to restrict my dinner."

• My immediate thought after eating what I consider to be a "treat" (and what normal people consider to be the equivalent of rabbit food): "I screwed up the day. I need to purge it all, not eat anything for the rest of the day, and start over tomorrow."

• At home: "If I am going to cook dinner, it will either be 5-star restaurant quality or I'm not going to waste my time. And a sit-down dinner without wine simply cannot happen."

• In my career: "I don't just work. I achieve. I produce. I must be hauling ass at all times or I am not worthy of the title and letters after my name."

• In graduate school: "I either need to kill myself  juggling an assistantship and a paid internship or no one will hire me and I will be living out of the backseat of my car."

• With others: "Once I trust you, I will love you like crazy. You dare to hurt me, and it will never be the same."

Ok, so I guess I was somewhat aware of this pattern prior to LA mentioning it. I used to joke that it was the Irish streak in me ("I'm Irish! We do everything in excess! Drink, fight, love...you name it!"). Now, however, I am acutely aware of how it is playing into my eating disorder as well as the extreme self-imposed pressure I have existed beneath for years. I have not allowed myself the "in-between". When it comes to myself and the impossibly high standards to which I strive to adhere, many aspects of my life have become all-or-nothing, black-or-white.

I have always worked my ass of. Always. I landed my first job at fifteen (lifeguard at the pool where I trained), and worked two or more since around that time. I overdo everything in my life. I thrive on competition, hard work, and overachievement. People often ask me how I manage it all, and my canned response has always been "I just compartmentalize. When I'm at work, I'm focused on the students and work at hand. When I leave, my mind switches to the gym, what I am going to teach in my fitness classes, and my own training. When I'm at home, I take care of what needs to be done there." My life has become a series of drawers, boxes and baskets (had to throw that in there...my neighbor always comments on the number of baskets and bins in my house). I pull one out when I need to work on it, deal with it, or tap into it's contents. I slide it back in when I'm done. I move onto the next.

The result is the black/white mentality LA is seeing in me. All or nothing. Everything in it's own box, never to be pulled out, misplaced, or combined with another box's contents...no matter what. Every box is pulled out for a reason, and when that "reason" is not fulfilled, it feels awfully awkward to just slide it back in its spot and forget about it; like a task that has not been crossed off the to-do list.

I'm not okay leaving things unfinished, or feeling unfulfilled. While I can talk and listen for hours, I like answers, connections, the "ah-ha" moments. I get a thrill from jumping into action, tackling problems, and moving on. I don't like sitting with emotions for too long before I want to get up, develop a plan, and make them go away.

That has served me well. That has also destroyed me.

I know I need to soften my edges a bit, accept the gray areas, and cut myself a break. The real challenge is learning to doing so without sacrificing the focus that has allowed me to compartmentalize, multitask, achieve, and overcome. While the black and white ends of the spectrum naturally draw in my narrow focus (of course they do...they are quantifiable, measurable, tangible), there are plenty of shades of gray in between that I tend to ignore.

Mistakes, processes, and growth are most often found in the gray areas of life. All are tough to look at when you have lived your life with your eyes steadily focused on goals: the black/white, all/nothing.