Finally Connecting the Dots

This process is changing me.

I knew it would, which is the reason I began to write a few months ago in the first place. I wanted to document this journey, capture the emotions and thoughts, and be able to read it all back at a later date and (hopefully) see signs of growth. Today, I see it.

Thanksgiving went well, despite the morning's torrential downpour. Thanks to the rain, I decided to skip out on the five-mile race (Please note: I am usually hardcore about running/racing/competing despite weather conditions, this was a tough decision). I, of course, decided that some form of exercise was a necessity in order to comply with "The Plan" for Thanksgiving, so LA snuck me into her facility (the gym where I work was closed for the holiday) to go run out five miles sans sleet and rain. We agreed to keep this secret from Dr. Joe, both got our daily cardio in, and headed in our separate directions to feast on the turkey/carb fest otherwise known as Thanksgiving.

At my father's house, I had "normal people" amounts of turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. I stuck to the plan and even had a small piece of pumpkin roll. I ate, let it go, and focused my attention on football (always a priority of mine on Thanksgiving Day). Two days later, I'm still okay with "indulging" in that meal, and honestly, haven't really thought about it much since I took in that last bite of pumpkin roll. The whole process was, surprisigly, not as painful or anxiety-producing as I previously thought. I think I might even do it again sometime...perhaps in about twelve months or so (kidding).

It was somewhere in between the Thanksgiving meal, Black Friday shopping, and family drama that I realized my obsession with all things food/weight/calorie related is diminishing and that I am starting to just live again.

For starters, The Mr. just had to have some cliche red-and-green holiday candy around the house, so proceeded to purchase two bags of holiday M&M's while out at Target. When we returned home on Friday night (after about eight hours of shopping, mind you), he dumped the contents into one of our big, gaudy snowflake dishes and set it out on the counter like a centerpiece (that's about as far as his "holiday decorating" goes).

Throughout my workday, I hear others complain about the magnetic pull an open and visible candy dish possesses, yet I have forgotten what the subconcious candy reach feels like. However, the M&M dish on the counter has pulled me in several times since it has been placed on the countertop, and I haven't really thought twice about it. I had some long runs this weekend, went about my usual routine (which included hanging out with The Mr. and friends, of course), and didn't let food move over to the driver's seat.

While out shopping on Friday, we stopped at a Mexican place I enjoyed pre-ED and took a dinner break. I ate a chicken quesadilla with vegetables and some pico de gallo. On Saturday, I had a post-run egg and cheese bagel and coffee with running friends, some pizza while watching the OSU-Michigan game, and an overabundance of wine throughout the day. I took some chances, ate what I wanted within moderation, and I still lived to tell about it.

What a concept.

The real test will be tomorrow when I go to get ready for work...the dreaded "oh shit nothing fits!" moment (which, by the way, those moments are supposed to happen when you're trying to get healthy- but triggering nonetheless). Thankfully, I had some moments of clarity and motivation this weekend that I can attempt to tap into if/when ED decides to call me fat, lazy, or sloppy as a result of letting up on the Food Control over the last few days. My moments of clarity included:

1. Trail running in the woods on Saturday, feeling strong and wanting a powerful body in order to complete a 50K trail run (slated for Summer 2011). I want to cross that goal off my bucket list even more than becoming a parent at this current moment (no worries- I still want to be a parent...just after completing the 50K).

2. Watching football, eating pizza. A momentary return to pre-ED weekend self.

3. A glimpse of my body in the mirror, wearing a sports bra and Under Armour shorts, during which I thought Muscles are back, looking strong and tough, like I could kick someone's ass if I tapped into my God-given Irish temper. Niiiice.

4. Running ten miles under my normal pace this morning and feeling amazing doing it. A return to strength, to health. I could literally feel the change. I texted LA and told her I'd eat anything she wanted me to and would move up five sizes after that run (I hope she knows I was being sarcastic...I may eat anything she wanted me to because I do trust her; but going up five sizes may be a bit much at this point...).

5. Seeing Mama K and her husband today (in town for the holidays). It wasn't too long ago I was with them at their new house in Florida, but I've already changed a lot since the last time they saw me in person. They are like family to me, and remain a constant in my life. Knowing I am a little more together than I was the last time they saw me helped to keep me moving towards the overall goal: health.

I should also mention that theses moments of clarity and quieted eating-disordered mind were even more impressive given some of the family chaos that I was sucked into yesterday. I won't go into details, but let me just say...the world in which I grew up is not okay and continues to interfere with my adult life despite my best efforts to barricade and hunker down. In the past, I've slipped into self-destructive behaviors when the chaos ensues and it becomes too much to take ("this shit is f-ed up and I'm hurting and oh my god this is all too much to take....ooooooh, let's start counting calories and picking out my flaws instead...."). But this time around, I somehow kept my mind off the pain while simultaneously maintaining the laxed attitude about food. Huge success in my book. Dots are connecting all over the damn place.

I've said it before and will say it again tonight in this post...these moments happen: good and bad. However, this holiday weekend was, by comparison, a long stretch of positive attitude and a relaxed approach to food/body/weight- worth a few touchdowns at least. And to continue on with Dr. Joe's football references, the fact that I maintained this attitude throughout a major food-heavy holiday (probably the most food-heavy of the holidays) is like a successful two-point conversion, an added bonus. The family garbage of yesterday has got to earn me at least a field goal or two.

Scratch that...the fact that I stayed semi-grounded during the family garbage is worth another touchdown. Hands down.

I'm not really sure who I am competing against here (Dr. Joe?), but I think I'm up at the moment. Connecting the dots, seeing the patterns, running interference and studying the X's and O's...it's starting to make a little more sense.