I struggled today. Out of nowhere, I suddenly did not want to eat my lunch and fought back tears and the eating disorder voice telling me to "just skip it." I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized I had to go up a size in an Under Armour compression shirt (in that moment, I should have recalled the fact that all of their shirts run super-small and it is probably not me, but Mr. ED was screaming at me). In other words, the eating disorder voice was loud and clear today, barking in my ear.
I ate a turkey sandwich and some other food for lunch. I bought the bigger size. I texted LA for help and she sent me a fiesty (yet encouraging) email containing the f-word. At the end of the day, I suppose I won.
I just finished packing to go away for a short weekend trip to Chicago...with running friends....to run...a half marathon...
I have been registered for this race for several months. Now, before anyone flips out, calls Dr. Joe to try to have me committed, or tries to put a boot on my car to stop me, let me explain this decision.
For starters, I was given the green light to return to running from Dr. K. I have tested my leg twice since then with moderately fast training runs, and felt pretty good. No real pain at, around, or near the site of the stress fracture. Considering I was probably running on the stress fracture all summer long without realizing it, taking a few weeks off was probably all that the crack needed to heal up just fine. The X-ray had even shown a large amount of healing tissue around the fracture, which led Dr. K to believe I was well into the healing stage. Dr. K is also treating me for the other physical issues I am facing at the moment, but is still ok with physical activity (and, yes, she knows me well enough to know that my "physical activity" is a little more than just walking to the mailbox). I have been resting all week, and the reality of the situation is that I am handling the stomach issues as best I can at the moment. I'm taking the medications I've been given, following the doctors' advice, and will be getting an ultrasound on my gallbladder on Monday. Running in this race is not going to change anything (the damage is done and is being dealt with), and all of those problems will still exist whether I lie in bed or go run 13 miles. So I'm running the 13 miles.
Secondly, my approach to this weekend's run couldn't be more different than in the past. Never in my life (seriously- I cannot think of a single time in 28 years) have I participated in a race or sporting event "just because". Sure, I approach (some) training runs or workouts with that attitude, but in general, if there is competition to be had, I'm all in. But this weekend, I am using this opportunity to be with my thoughts, to remind myself who I am, and to find some of the strength I know used to be (and still is) somewhere inside of me. I need to be able to tap into that strength and motivation a bit to get over the hurdles that are sure to come next in this process.
This laid-back approach to the race does not mean that I won't push myself if I feel good, or aim for a PR if it ends up within my reach (doubtful after the time off). But what it does mean is that I will be stepping up to the starting line with no expectations, a positive attitude, and the main goal of having fun and enjoying myself.
Did I mention this race is Halloween-themed? Oh yeah...it is. I'll be running 13 miles dressed as Catwoman, and there are sure to be many other freaks in this race. Needless to say the goal of "having fun" is sure to be met. Runners...we're all a little off anyhow. Just add a holiday and the insanity is taken to a whole new level.
Throughout my recovery, several people have tried to persuade me to stop training, competing, and working out. Most people do not realize that the number of hours I spend each exercising has been cut down by one third, and is much more controlled than it used to be. Reducing the number of hours spent on physical activity was the very first deal Dr. Joe struck with me: I decreased by one third and started eating, and I could continue to train as I pleased. The goal for my recovery was never to move me away from what I love: pushing my limits physically, working out, setting and training towards personal goals. Rather, the goal has always been to find a way to balance my need for intensity with healthy eating habits, an acceptable athletic weight, and an absence of eating disorder behaviors.
Right now, a full marathon and a 50K are goals that lie before me in the new year. Am I ready to tackle them right now? Absolutely not. I know I am not healthy or eating nearly enough to successfully train for either. But I will stick to those goals and use them as fuel to push me forward into the later stages of recovery, where there is little room for obsessing over food and fueling takes priority. These dates are on my calendar and not moving, and the sense of pride I'll feel when I cross the finish line will be even more sweet knowing what I have overcome in order to rebuild my body's strength.
More than likely, I will always be an athlete in some form. Sports and competition have been a part of my life for the majority of the time I have been alive and on this planet. To suggest that I should walk away from a lifestyle I love and enjoy is to take away a very, very big part of who I am. It would also mean I would need to rebuild my after-work wardrobe, since I spend most of my outside-of-the-office time in gym clothes...and I don't really have the money or desire to change my "look" (kidding).
So I keep running. I keep training. I back off when I need to (now, for example), and work towards approaching what I love in a healthier way. But I will never, ever give it up completely. I'm much too driven for that, and I need an outlet for my competitiveness (or else I'd start competing in the office, with friends, with my dog...no one wants that, trust me).
This weekend's run is a step towards restoring a sense of normalcy to my life, especially as I gear up to return back to work later on this week. Running the 13 miles, regardless of the pace or tears shed, will remind me who I am: someone who sets goals and achieves them, someone who supports her friends and loves to watch them achieve, and someone who refuses to be knocked down.
Monday morning, I'll be going through yet another medical procedure, followed by a nutrition therapy appointment with LA. I've dedicated 100% of the last two weeks to getting better, establishing a foundation for long-term recovery, and rebuilding my health after causing some pretty serious damage. But for two hours, I'm just going to enjoy the run and get in touch with the strong, driven, fun-loving girl I know is still inside. I need to get back in touch with her to find the strength to fix what has been broken, forgive myself, and move on to the life (and races!) that lie ahead.
I don't know if this is something I should say, but I have to be honest, I've seen you recently and you still look very skinny. You are beautiful (especially before this all started) and I hope you can see that no matter what size you are.
ReplyDeleteYou make an interesting point...although I cannot always see it, I do know from the size of my clothing that I am still pretty small. However, size doesn't tell the whole story when it comes to someone recovering from an eating disorder; rather, the restoration back to health takes priority. Many people believe that an ED patient is only "recovered" if he/she puts on a significant amount of weight. This is not necessarily true, as healthy labs, regular and adequate eating, and healing of physical damage are more significant benchmarks to measure progress. While weight gain is sure to occur as I eat more, I may still appear "skinny". But please know that I'm working to fix the insides, and restoring to health is of the upmost priority at the moment! And thank you, of course, for the compliment :)
ReplyDeleteI think it was quite the accomplishment to put your competitiveness aside and go with the "laid-back" approach for one race. I'm glad you had the opportunity to clear your mind and just enjoy it. Good luck with the upcoming training. You are absolutely right, you are someone who sets goals and achieves them. I can't wait to see what the new year will bring for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to set aside most if not all notions of competing in the half marathon this weekend. I hope you were able to enjoy it for what it was. Lot of luck to you in the future with recovery and training.
ReplyDeleteThe owner decided after the event to donate half of the proceeds back to
ReplyDeletethe students. For adults, a virtual makeover of hair and makeup may be
the equivalent of a little one hood game, with an improved style sensibility that tends to make the knowledge each entertaining and inspirational.
I hope you have fun planing a birthday party for your tween, I hope my birthday party ideas for tween's helped you.
Here is my web page; virgin atlantic
my webpage - comcast
Well with the internet the world has suddenly become the
ReplyDeletecustomer base of many businesses, especially Facebook.
This company sends out invites from the page to innumerable people and gets the invitations accepted.
The more Facebook fans you can make, the more followers you can get, which eventually add
to your growing clientele base.
Here is my web page - Buy Facebook Fans Cheap
Some were practical, of course, but others were psychological and emotional.
ReplyDeleteBrazenhead is a great place to go with your family or
for a business lunch or dinner, but if you are looking for a party atmosphere, this isn't it. Her father, Bruce Paltrow, produced the critically acclaimed TV series that is considered the precursor to many medical shows today, St.
Here is my weblog; pub Quiz austin
There are features that allow you to keep track of vendors that you
ReplyDeletelike and keep notes so you know why they are
listed. Instead of sending your scanned invitation, it would be great if you create your own wedding website and invite your friends and relatives.
I knew exactly what I wanted for my bridal lingerie, but
I simply couldn't find a place that offered it, complete and in my size.
my page wedding website affiliate programs
Even just 15 minutes a day keeps your piano playing
ReplyDeleteability in tune. Www. Piano players that struggle are
the ones that don't play with passion and feeling.
Here is my webpage; free piano chords and keys
Oils, beverages and Paleo sweets should also be used in moderate quantities and
ReplyDeletealso keep in mind that Paleo diet food list does not contain in it all processed foods made out
of dairy products, powdered milk, ice creams, cereal grains and legumes and should be
avoided. Pizza crust, bread, pancakes, and any food that contain sugar
should be taken out and erased from the list of foods one can eat.
The Paleo Gluten Free Diet has many health claims.
my weblog - the paleo diet and diabetes
my web page - the paleo diet and alcohol
Kids will enjoy playing a game of putt-putt, or riding go carts
ReplyDeletein the Putt-Putt race zone. Party packages
include admission, skate rentals, party favors, soda, ice cream,
balloon bouquet and more. (Just don't forget to take some Tylenol for the migraine headache that might result.
Here is my weblog 5th Birthday Party Ideas
Hi there, I read your blogs on a regular basis. Your humoristic style is awesome, keep it
ReplyDeleteup!
Here is my page; kids birthday party ideas
At the same time, you can compose and send informative
ReplyDeletetweets to encourage other users participate in the online conversations.
So, increase Twitter followers as much as you afford and
drive traffic in high volume. You can repeat the process and make as
many new lists as you like.
Here is my web site ... get Twitter Followers
My web site > Buy Twitter Followers Cheap
Search for professional Internet Marketing Companies India and let an experienced copy
ReplyDeletewriter craft eye-grabbing ad content for your business.
You are now familiar with the advanced search feature
of Yahoo Answers, once you do a. - Page 16 -.
Also visit my homepage Internet Marketing Plan
Search for professional Internet Marketing Companies India and
ReplyDeletelet an experienced copy writer craft eye-grabbing ad content for your
business. You are now familiar with the advanced search feature of Yahoo Answers, once you do a.
- Page 16 -.
Feel free to visit my blog post: Internet Marketing Plan
my website: Internet Marketing Plan
Thus, through these strategies, marketers without doing extra work get success results to buy You - Tube views,buy Twitter
ReplyDeletefollowers and Facebook likes. This tools help to promote the website and the
popularity of the business totally depends upon the people who visit the site.
With the You - Tube annotations feature, you can easily
help market and brand a particular kind of a video.
My web site; http://socialbears.com/youtube-views/
My site: increase youtube views
This is easy and doesn't cost the clicker money but the problem is getting these individuals together. For those who do not have much experience, there are many sites that offer a free book on how to better sell their products through Facebook fans, so do not wait, build your site and buy some fans now. Like anything else in this world, you get what you pay for.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to visit my blog post - http://socialbears.com/Google-plus-one/
- Set thoroughly cooked chicken aside. Let me tell you a quick story about the beauty of filling up on a paleo diet
ReplyDeletebreakfast. - Vegetables are low in sodium less water retention.
My website :: paleo diet alcoholic drinks
my web site: Paleo diet acne rosacea
The irritation could then spread in the baby's buttocks and upper thigh area, as well as the genitals. This will ensure that you treat the right disease when you take the medication. If you apply Aloe Vera gel on the affected areas it can help reduce the itching and burning caused by the infection.
ReplyDeleteLook into my web-site - why yeast infection after period
Also see my page :: bad yeast infection and bleeding
- Exorphins: Anti-nutrient found in dairy products and wheat.
ReplyDeleteOther typical tasks were gathering wood, shelter building, digging, carrying a
variety of heavy items, tool construction and dancing.
- Lecithin.
Feel free to surf to my web site - The Paleo Diet And Ms
You still have to expert all of those other guitar chords so
ReplyDeleteas to engage in very easy popular music. Then
you can quickly and easily figure out how to play any chord in any key on the spot, whether you've memorized that specific chord or not. The last type of chords we will discuss in this article are spread voicings.
Here is my web page - free piano chords and scales
" A good tip is to weblog about things related to your industry with out giving away something which you could be making cash from. You need to utilise every tool and potential outlet you possibly can. Hours of daily internet marketing available.
ReplyDeletemy website :: internet marketing Techniques
Simple and Easy to Create Recipes with clear step by step instructions you will be able to produce
ReplyDeletepaleo friendly meals that get rave reviews from friends and family every- time.
Gaining information about your enemy is the first step in assuring
success in defeating him or her. The Paleo Gluten Free Diet has many health claims.
my site - paleo diet and weight loss
And that is the first rule of keywords - Relevance. of the Yahoo community.
ReplyDeleteBudget.
My page Internet Marketing Techniques
My webpage: Internet Marketing Coach
For those who are unaware, Vistaprint is a website that has been around for years, and it offers a variety of
ReplyDeletepersonalized products that can be used for businesses, gifts, weddings, and more.
Wedding planning is no different. I knew exactly what I
wanted for my bridal lingerie, but I simply couldn't find a place that offered it, complete and in my size.
Also visit my weblog wedding website and invitations
For those who have troubles swallowing due to the texture, tablets are available to make consumption easier.
ReplyDeleteNylon underclothing may also cause an allergic
reaction in some woman. Although the treatment has been successful for many people
with Candida, be warned that some of the side effects may include excessive vaginal discharge,
discomfort and burning in the vaginal area.
my site; vaginal yeast infection and antibiotics
My web site :: skin yeast infection and yogurt
Since marriage is a permanent bond between two love
ReplyDeleteones, roses are very much preferred for dcor of wedding place.
(US). If necessary, place a polite reminder on your sign-in
page that this is not an informal website, and that distasteful comments
will be removed.
Here is my web site :: free wedding website advertising
In the world of social networking, numbers say a lot about one's business. If it is a new product, a gift, the introduction of a new group or even the details of the products and services, Facebook provides an easy field of advertising. One way of looking at the cost of the purchase of fans for fan pages is whether to place an ad, you would have to pay for it.
ReplyDeleteHere is my blog post :: http://ece.sehan.ac.kr
' Satanic Ritual - Decorate the space with human sacrifice, goblets of blood, pentagrams, and things draped in black. At the end of the party all of the papers write down who they think was the prohibition agent. The game would begin with them watching the collapse of society and the outbreak of magic around the world.
ReplyDeleteHere is my web site :: register a domain name
Only 1 address, while. Citrus juices help in decreasing the chance of bacteria to remain in your dog.
ReplyDeleteDog Training Using Praise.
Also visit my web blog ... sfspca dog training academy
Upon returning to the starting line, the first player must pass the sugar cube to the next teammate in line
ReplyDeleteand so on. I won't spoil your surprises and give away any more details. That is the new craze in on the internet gaming, and numerous girls and teens are possessing a blast.
Also visit my website: at\46t wireless
squares with various tea leaves and tea flavors inside each square.
ReplyDeleteEven Halloween parties with the very best Halloween costumes can get dry after everyone's seen the costumes to be seen and passed out the candy to the beggars. I hope you have fun planing a birthday party for your tween, I hope my birthday party ideas for tween's helped you.
Also visit my web blog :: debit cards
The decor on the inside of the restaurant is absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of each round read out the cumulative scores.
8.
Feel free to visit my homepage; Pub Quiz Amsterdam
(Thank you rounds are always welcome, of course.
ReplyDeleteBelow are listed a few popular pubs where one can chill in Mumbai.
The Bull's Head Pub, Bangkok.
Feel free to visit my blog - best pub quiz team names
On Sunday nights Erin Jaimes hosts a blues jam where anyone from Alan Haynes to Gary Clark, Jr.
ReplyDeleteBelow are listed a few popular pubs where one can chill in Mumbai.
The buccal cavity is a small cavity that has neither jaws nor teeth.
my web page - pub quiz aberdeen
Narrow blood vessels lie alongside the intestines
ReplyDeleteof the earthworm and they absorb the nutrients from the alimentary canal feeding the rest of the body.
You must definitely be planning to make it special and
memorable by keeping a good theme, ordering the best food and
choosing the best games. The food is decent and the drink
specials on Tuesdays include $2.
Feel free to visit my website ... fun pub quiz names
(Thank you rounds are always welcome, of course.
ReplyDeleteAnna had been looking through my phone while I was
naked. Ask your local club to run this for you.
Feel free to visit my weblog: pub quiz and answers
The decor on the inside of the restaurant is absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou must definitely be planning to make it special and memorable by keeping a
good theme, ordering the best food and choosing the best
games. Theme Format: It is almost like standard format of the pub
quiz.
Feel free to visit my homepage: pub quiz archives
Also, we need to determine the rounds of the quiz according to it.
ReplyDeleteAnna had been looking through my phone while I was naked.
The buccal cavity is a small cavity that has neither
jaws nor teeth.
my blog post ... Free pub quiz And answers
Also, we need to determine the rounds of the quiz according to it.
ReplyDeleteI believe my exact words were "I don't want to be your dirty little secret. The buccal cavity is a small cavity that has neither jaws nor teeth.
My page; pub quiz answers and questions
Also, we need to determine the rounds of the
ReplyDeletequiz according to it. Local country clubs are offering trivia fun for as little as forty dollars per couple.
Her father, Bruce Paltrow, produced the critically acclaimed TV series that is considered the precursor to
many medical shows today, St.
Also visit my weblog - pub quiz and answers general knowledge
Fashion Games of Teen Girls Interested Are Fun These challenges are at times shared amongst buddies.
ReplyDeleteI've played Nancy Drew for years and even her saccharine personality is more 3D than Lindsay or 'Linds') as she calls herself. I hope you have fun planing a birthday party for your tween, I hope my birthday party ideas for tween's helped you.
Here is my blog post: database monitoring Software
Upon returning to the starting line, the first player must pass the sugar cube to the next teammate
ReplyDeletein line and so on. A murder mystery game is a
fun way to pass the time during the twenties theme party.
That is the new craze in on the internet gaming, and numerous girls
and teens are possessing a blast.
my blog post - schools
On Sunday nights Erin Jaimes hosts a blues jam where anyone from Alan Haynes to Gary Clark, Jr.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of each round read out the cumulative scores.
The food is decent and the drink specials on Tuesdays include $2.
Feel free to surf to my blog post pub quiz amsterdam
DJ spins out on Saturday nights. * Team answer sheets - Basically a grid lined A4 type sheet with answer write
ReplyDeletein numbered boxes and a line on top for the team name.
8.
Also visit my web blog ... Pub Quiz Amsterdam
In that case, this kind of question should not be
ReplyDeletetaken from any show telecasted in specific country.
I believe my exact words were "I don't want to be your dirty little secret. The Bull's Head Pub, Bangkok.
Here is my web-site - pub quiz team names
In other words, they go against the grain of the careers their
ReplyDeleteparents had. I believe my exact words were "I don't want to be your dirty little secret. Theme Format: It is almost like standard format of the pub quiz.
Stop by my blog; great pub quiz names
On Sunday nights Erin Jaimes hosts a blues jam where anyone from Alan Haynes to Gary Clark,
ReplyDeleteJr. Popular prizes include sports tickets, cash and vouchers
for drinks, food - and dollars off of tabs. 28.
my blog post ... free pub quiz and answers