It's Friday...the end of another week. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend with only a few plans (although the way I live my life, a "relaxing" weekend is probably still considered pretty packed compared to most). Today's work day was a series of presentations, obligations, and meetings that filled my Outlook calendar, and before I knew it, 5:00 had arrived.
In between meetings and such, I also observed my boss doing yoga in the hallway, dancing to the music in her head outside my door, and reminding some of us that "National Have Sex With a Man With a Mustache Week" is coming to a close. Only in higher education is it permissable that professionals with Master's degrees be so in touch with their inner nineteen-year olds. But I love every second of it, and my crazy, flower-child of a boss keeps me laughing amidst the chaos of my life and work. I mean, The Mr. doesn't have a mustache, but I would hate to miss out on such an important national holiday. Thank god for my boss for keeping me in the loop.
Our evening at home has been about as uneventful as a staring contest, but I really wouldn't have had it any other way today. The Mr. and I have barely seen each other this week, and I've been somewhat sleep deprived thanks to another bout of excrutiating pain a few nights ago. It was severe enough that (gasp!) I have gone three consecutive days without exercise and/or training...WHAT?! Yep, that's right...my running shoes have not met the pavement in three days, my sports bras remain clean and folded neatly in my drawer, and my iPod fully charged.
Needless to say, it's killing me. Although (surprisingly) not as much as I thought. So maybe I can be okay not working out every single day...well, in extreme cases of sickness or pain, anyhow. I don't necessarily feel as though I've blown up like a whale or moved up three sizes (I breathed a sigh of relief when I zipped into the same size jeans while shopping after work today). I even prepared and ate a very nice, normal dinner this evening, complete with wine (duh) and dessert. I snapped a picture for LA and sent it her way. She'll be so proud.
I have, however, reached my no-exercise threshold, and tomorrow morning I'll be back to the gym. I missed it. I'm sure the regulars in my cycling class missed me too. A good friend of mine subbed my class last evening, and she has a reputation for being a much more intense instructor than I am...they either loved her or hated her, or maybe a little of both (thanks, R!).
Today was, thankfully, so busy that I barely had time to obsess over food, calories, and other eating-disorder preoccupations. It was a nice change, considering the earlier part of the week was not exactly perfect. But that's okay. It's in the past. Time to move on.
Doctors are still trying to get to the bottom of my pain/unitentional vomiting episodes, and I have yet another test on Tuesday morning. I'll admit, I'm starting to get frustrated with the fact that these tests seem to show absolutely nothing. It's almost making me feel as though I am somehow imagining this pain...although I'm certain I am not. I am about the furthest thing from a hypchondriac.
I will be honest in admitting that while I am tempted to push the doctors to continue to look for answers and solutions for these episodes, I experience a great deal of guilt related to doing so. I know, in my right mind, that the pain is largely a result of my own behaviors and the cycle I've fallen into of restricting/purging. My body is screaming at me to stop, to rest, to heal, and for the most part, I have. But the lingering notion that I am somehow to blame for these medical issues is a hard pill to swallow, and makes it more difficult to tell a doctor "hey, look, I'm in pain here...fix this NOW!"
I go back and forth quite a bit between "it is what it is, now let's just fix it" and "quit your bitching, you did this to yourself and have no right to complain". I suppose the latter is the smarter, more logical voice to follow, but alas, if I always listened to the smarter voice, I'd be "healed" by now. I'm still working on that.
The key to warding off the pain, it seems, is to not restrict and/or purge. So that is the goal for the next week. I had three consecutive, healthy weeks and would really like to beat that record this time around. Tuesday brings another test, and I'm ready to get to the bottom of the pain episodes and for this nightmare to be over.
Anyhow, I'm going for a shorter, more general post than usual tonight, as I want to go hang out with The Mr. and hit the sack early so I'm refreshed and ready to go teach at the gym tomorrow (yay!). I had planned to write about family dynamics (a big topic this week in my life), but I'll save that for the next post. Stay tuned.
I'll be back in touch tomorrow...enjoy the rest of your Friday night, everyone.
Crack open a bottle of wine and cheers to the weekend!
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