Today was filled with so many emotions that I honestly was unsure what to even use as the basis for this post. While the day flew by, it was filled with many poignant moments, strong emotions, catch phrases, and reflective thoughts that it's hard to find just one to write about. I guess I'll just tell it like it is (that's a real weakness of mine, as you can see...note sarcasm).
Tomorrow, I return to work after two and half weeks off. No, it was not a vacation. No, I did not spend my time relaxing in the sun, shopping, or partying it up with friends. On the contrary, I stepped away from my job (something I have worked very hard for) to really tackle the eating disorder that has interrupted my life. The majority of my time, money, and energy was devoted to making headway with eating, healing, and repairing my broken self. It was a serious "timeout" moment; prompted by the realization that I had to put my health at the top of the priority list or else I was going to repeat the same cycle of progress and relapse time and time again.
Some may think my anxiety about returning to work is related to the numerous projects, emails, and general work-related duties that may have piled up while I was out. This is not entirely the case. I cleaned up my work life very well before I left, and while I'm apprehensive about playing catch-up, being behind is not what drives me to sudden tears or makes me want to run and hide. It's being without the daily support of LA (or almost daily when it comes to Dr. Joe), and the overall relaxed pace of my "treatment" life that makes me nervous. It's a big transition; I'd be lying if I said it didn't worry me quite a bit.
Although it has only been two and half weeks, I've grown accustomed to seeing at least one member of my team every 24 hours, and allowing them to see my emotions pour out whenever I felt like sharing them. I slept entire days away if depression weighed me down or my physical strength was lacking, and I made eating meals a priority because nothing else stood in the way. I didn't hide what I was feeling because I didn't have to put on a show for anyone; if I was angry, they heard about it. If I was upset, they saw the tears. It was all very raw, very real, and allowed me to really face my fears, confront my demons, and gain the strength to fight back against the eating disorder.
Whether I want to accept it or not, returning to work will require me to fight through tough moments for the sake of holding it together, being a professional, and keeping my personal life separate from work. I, obviously, question my ability to do so considering I still feel very fragile, slightly broken, and not entirely confident in my own skin. Even on good days, I am usually just a moment or two away from tears, and often just one stressful situation away from skipping a meal, purging, or starting a cycle of starvation in an attempt to gain control of at least one aspect of my life.
A few tears slid down my face today when I told LA one of my biggest fears is that everyone will eventually get sick of putting up with me, supporting me, and playing the role of cheerleader. In my mind, most people leave when they have had enough, and I feel I am only a few mistakes away from a mass exodus of the support circle I have come to rely on. LA said (so confidently that I believed her) that people only leave when they sense their efforts are not appreciated. Thankfully, I do consider showing appreciation to others to be a strength of mine. Maybe this time, I have let the right people in, and they will stand by me as I take a leap of faith and try to continue the positive routine I've established. I certainly hope so, as I have grown to care about them deeply- especially those who have seen me in my darkest moments and still noticed my (sometimes dim) will to fight and desire to heal.
I had a lot of help today to bring me to a place where I feel ready to return to my life. LA walked me through the eating schedule I should use during the workday, and the last text I received from her this evening read: "You are tough and I have great faith in you". For someone who is used to fighting battles alone, those words were priceless. Mama K made me send her three pictures of myself in work outfits to prove that I have not gained a ton of weight (I was concerned that my work clothes would no longer fit after two weeks of actual eating), and we shared quite a few laughs while sending pictures back and forth. She helped me decide what to wear tomorrow to feel confident in my job and potential again.
Just within the last hour, I received an encouraging email response from Dr. Joe that made me laugh (I do find some of the thing he says to be amusing, though that it typically not his intention). It read: "Ok, M. Good luck going in...break a leg...oh wait, you already did". He probably spent all day thinking that up, but I loved this off-color reference to my recent stress fracture and the fact that he wished me well on my first day back to work. I was so excited about his funny email that I accidentally wrote back and mentioned the fact that I ran a half marathon last weekend on my "broken leg". Shit...I'll be receiving a lecture about that during my appointment with him tomorrow...
So the two and a half weeks are up. Like so many other areas of my life, I set goals for the time off and dedicated myself to achieving them. I'm eating regularly again, purged only once in two weeks (and completely understand and accept why the situation led me to do so), begun to heal my body, and have established a very strong support network that I hope will carry me through the rest of recovery. To me, the greatest display of appreciation would be to show those who love and support me that I can kick this and start to love myself and my body again.
Tomorrow will not be easy. I may even need to shut my office door and let out some tears when I arrive, as the large majority of people in my department will have absolutely no idea what I have been through these last few months and weeks. And I'll have LA's advice running through my head all day long ("one foot in front of the other, one step at a time") to get through the day without falling apart.
My food for the day is packed: apple + cheese for 10:30 snack; turkey on wheat + carrots + soup for lunch; grapes + Greek yogurt for afternoon snack.
My outfit has been selected by Mama K (and LA agreed...I somehow picked up two "mothers" along the way!): gray pinstripe skirt and black button down shirt, heels (duh).
An appointment with Dr. Joe is set for tomorrow after work (so I can either unload on him or bawl my eyes out, whatever the situation calls for).
My cell phone is fully charged so I can text away in moments of crisis throughout the day (although I do not anticipate many...cautious optimism?).
I set aside $2.55 to visit Starbucks in the morning (god, I HATE that I picked up that habit while off work! I may need treatment for that addiction next).
I am ready for bed.
Wish me luck.
Tomorrow awaits.
Hoping that today went smoothly for you!
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