Is It Disordered?

I had a conversation with LA this morning that made me think...as they so often do. Hey, that's what she is paid for, I suppose.

I am really starting to make big strides in terms of getting back to a normal relationship with food and my body, which led to an interesting discussion about some of my lingering weirdness related to nutrition.

Since I've established a pretty good pattern recently of actually eating, LA decided it's time to revisit the fear food list yet again. We have never really gotten very far into the list in the past, as a short relapse, medical issue, or my own balking has halted the progress. But here we are again, talking about the fear foods, and while LA didn't come right out and say it, I sense it is time to start coming to terms with them.

The discussion over fear foods is what prompted the "is it disordered?" topic. Sure, I still carry some irrational fear over things like salad dressing, butter, pasta (unless the night before a race!). But my list of fear foods also includes things that are fried, desserts, processed foods, and most foods that I either a.) have not prepared myself or b.) cannot determine the ingredient list by looking at it. Our discussion got me thinking about the line where a lifestyle ends and an eating disorder begins. LA has asked this question before; however, I was never really in the frame of mind to engage in conversation about it until now.

With the health-concious movement in this country gaining momentum on a seemingly daily basis, many new philosophies about food and nutrition have emerged and attracted followers. It is not uncommon to talk with people who are cutting out processed foods, recreating restaurant favorites at home, or "healthifying" old-school recipes. Millions of people have added sodas, grease, high fructose corn syrup, sugar substitutes, and other "bad-for-you" choices to their own personal lists of "off-limit" foods. It has also becoming more socially acceptable to live a vegetarian or vegan-based lifestyle, and even the reasons behind these choices (morality, health, or otherwise) are questioned less and less.

As our country has shifted focus to weight-related issues and the obesity epidemic, the relationship between food and physical activity is played out in everyday life and interactions as well. As someone who works in the fitness industry- even on a part-time basis- I cannot tell you how many times I hear variations of the following:

"I'll be here (at the gym) an extra hour today to make up for all the nachos I inhaled during the game!"

"I'm not getting off this treadmill until it hits 400 calories burned!" (and very few know that the number on the screen is a complete falsification, but whatever).

"I need to do at least a hundred crunches today to get rid of this beer gut."

And even at the office:

"I needed that Hershey Kiss like I need a hole in my head."

"I'm working through lunch today, I ate enough this weekend to feed me for the week!"

"I'm taking the stairs to the fourth floor...my ass is getting larger by the minute."

On Thanksgiving morning, LA's gym was full of people sweating on the cardio machines...do you think they all came in just for fun? Sure, they may have been enjoying themselves, but let's be real here...they were there for a purpose. And that purpose was to get a workout in before stuffing their faces full of holiday faire.

It's all around...so where does the line between lifestyle and eating disorder lie?

Well, I received a "gold star" (hypothetical, of course, as LA doesn't hand out stars) for my insightful answer: when it becomes an obsession and/or interferes with life.

For me, I had crossed over onto the eating disorder side:

• When I decided a few handlfuls of raw vegetables a day (and nothing else) would be enough to sustain an 8-hour workday and 3-hour workouts...not to mention other basic daily functions.
• The first time I had even considered intentionally throwing food back up as an acceptable option to control my body's response to eating.
• When my obsession with starving kept me from engaging in social activities involving food.
• After repeatedly ignoring the signs that my body was rapidly deteriorating from starvation, lack of nutrients, and the jarring effects of purging three times a day.

It was a rapid descent into Eating Disorder Land once I stepped over the invisible line, that's for sure. Within just a year, my new "lifestyle" had taken its toll. Messed up bloodwork and labs, cracked bones, colorless skin, never-ending headaches, drying and thinning hair, involuntary vomiting when actually trying to eat something out of the ordinary. It's hard to say at what point, exactly, I crept over to the other side. But it was a dangerous first step, whatever it was.

Given the fine line between the two, however, it is difficult to determine exactly when I will be deemed "recovered". Of course, there are the obvious signs of recovery (no purging, actually eating food). However, I will probably always approach food with a critical eye, now that I have battled an eating disorder. So if I never eat a piece of fried food ever again, continue to eat only "clean" foods, and reserve desserts for special occasions only...will I still be considered to have an eating disorder? Or am I just another person trying to make health-concious choices?

I do, at times, think that experiencing an eating disorder is a little like recovering from alcoholism or other addictions...the voice continues throughout life, but is just managed a little better through the application of new coping skills. I know that, as a result of this eating disorder, I will always look at food and my own body image a little differently than most. But there will also always be plenty of perfectly "normal" people with whom I can relate on the topics of restriction, dieting, and weight conciousness...because we're all thinking about it, at least for a few minutes each day.

When you look at our society, it's almost as though we are all a little weird when it comes to our attitudes towards food and weight. So is it disordered?

(Note: I know I definitely have an eating disorder...there is no question about that. I am not looking for confirmation as to whether or not my diagnosis is correct, or to justify/criticize the following behaviors. I'm just asking for the questions to hear what others think.)

Is it disordered to...

• not eat meat?
• eliminate food groups?
• count calories?
• exercise before/after large meals in an effort to "make up for it?"
• refuse to eat processed foods?
• stick to a vegan diet?
• limit the use of butter, condiments, sauces, dressings?
• reserve certain foods for special occasions only?

What do you think? Where is the line?

And a second question...how many of you think LA should give out gold stars for insightful answers? And if I earned, let's say, five of them...wouldn't that clothing allowance be the perfect prize?