A late afternoon phone conversation with LA helped pull me out of a bit of an ED funk and got me through the last few hours of the work day. But by the time I arrived at the gym and stepped onto the treadmill (which I despise, but it is now practically pitch black by 5:00...hate winter), a serious case of Irish rage had set in. I was suddenly pissed at the eating disorder, the world, and most, if not all, of the people in it.
This sounds like a bad thing. I can assure you that when it comes to my life, it is most certainly not.
(Well, ok...anger got me into a lot of trouble as a pissed-off teenager, and often led to trips to the Dean's office, arguments with coaches, and even some physical altercations...but I've learned to turn it into something slightly more productive as an adult).
Anger is often what drives me. Anger has allowed me to cut ties with toxic people in my life, overcome major obstacles, and fight hard for what I want and believe in. Not many people will ever see it on the outside (as I am actually a nice person, believe it or not), but whenever I achieve, win, or defy odds, anger is usually the fuel propelling me forward.
With anger driving me, I cranked out some serious speed on my godforsaken treadmill tempo run today. I taught my cycling class while on an adrenaline high I thoroughly enjoyed and let my frustration drive my effort (all while maintaining a positive attitude and motivating those in my class...it's a gift, really). By the time I got home from the gym, I was fuming and ready to burst with anger, drive, and determination. So now I sit here at the kitchen table, shoving food in my mouth and trying not to think about it, letting it all out in this post.
The Official List of Why I Am Suddenly Pissed (Please note: remember...anger is FUEL, people. I need to get angry sometimes to beat this thing...don't be offended):
- I realized while at the gym that I know I am strong enough, determined enough, and mentally tough enough to run a full marathon and a 50K,yet I let this stupid eating disorder stand in the way of it.
- I want to slap the next person who says to me "You've lost weight!" or "You're so skinny now!" Sure, I may suffer from one hell of a case of body dysmorphia and still believe I am a lazy, sloppy overweight person, but these statements are getting old...quick.
- I am angry at the people in my life who have neglected to rise to the challenge of loving me unconditionally, thus making it hard for me to trust those who want to help me now in adulthood (don't worry...if you are reading this blog, I am more than likely NOT referring to you...no sweat!).
- I am angry I've let an eating disorder prevent me from enjoying life's treats...DQ Blizzards, cupcakes, queso dip, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes come to mind immediately. *sigh*...one day.
- I'm angry that my dog never lets me relax when I get home. Psycho. I just put him outside, actually.
- I'm angry that I've allowed this disorder to take over my mind, and that it has probably wasted hours upon hours of my life that I can never get back. I could have found the solution for world peace by now if my head wasn't flooded with nutrition facts. Damn you, eating disorder. You are standing between me and a Nobel Peace Prize.
- I'm angry at my coworkers who call off constantly and for every little mini-crisis, leaving me to feel extreme guilt for walking away for two and a half weeks to handle something very major. It pisses me off that my mind even went to "I don't want to be one of them" when I know in my heart that stepping away was absolutely necessary. I'm blessed to work in a supportive environment, but have also vowed to never take advantage of it the way others sometimes do.
- I'm angry that I've allowed the eating disorder to, at times, take away the sheer joy of exercise (something I really, truly love and enjoy with or without the caloric burn...call me crazy, I know).
- I'm kind of angry my favorite pairs of work pants will probably be too small soon, but I need to get over it. In the meantime, I just mutter "I hate this stupid meal plan" as I pull them over my newly formed "hips".
- I'm angry at the people who still think I just "want to be skinny". Jump inside my head for a day and I promise you, you will realize very quickly an eating disorder is not about looking like a supermodel.
- I'm angry that I just poured the last glass of chardonnay...where the hell did that bottle go so quickly?! I just opened it yesterday...
Ooops. Uh, yeah...about that rage...
Hey. I can't be Little Miss Perfect all the time. I'm pissed tonight. I want to kick ED's sorry ass and move on with my life. F%#k off, ED.
No comments:
Post a Comment