I wish I could type up a glowing account of my first day back to work, but I unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) have committed to telling the truth on my blog. To say I passed with flying colors would be a lie; but I can tell you that when faced with some struggles, I did everything I could to overcome them. Perhaps that indicates more success than I give myself credit for. I don't know.
The work day went by surprisingly well after I got over the initial shock of just plain being there. The morning started off in orderly fashion thanks to my abnormally high need for preparedness. I woke up a little earlier than usual, showered, ironed my clothes, ate my routine breakfast, did my makeup, dried and straightened my hair. I dropped a few "mother-f#%kers" when I realized I had to defrost my car (I had been sleeping past the point of frost for the last two weeks, therefore had forgotten how to deal with it), but eventually pulled out of the driveway and made my way to my long-lost office. I even had time to stop by Starbucks to pick up the green and white cup that has practically become a wardrobe accessory throughout the last two weeks.
At this point in the day, I faced only two minor challenges: 1. I realized I had not put on a pair of heels in over two weeks, and thought to myself "ok, time to condition the feet again...ow", and 2. I forgot all about the swipe card we all need to use to gain access to the faculty/staff parking lot and stared aimlessly at the gate for a moment before realizing it would not rise on its own.
Three of my coworker friends had purchased a Starbucks gift card to welcome me back, and the shiny gift card was the first thing I saw when I walked into my office. I felt instantly honored and glad to be around my work friends again, whose crazy antics and off-beat personalities I had truly missed. I took a deep breath and started to sift through the numerous emails, papers, files, and other foreign artifacts from my pre-leave life, hoping it would all start to come back to me.
By 10:00, I had sent the first panicked text to LA: "I'm totally overwhelmed and I want to go back to bed. Except that would be impossible because I've already had Starbucks. I want to run and hide." The reality of holy-shit-I'm-back-at-work-and-have-no-idea-where-to-start had sunk in. I realized I no longer had a clue who I was, where I left off, or how to integrate my newfound appreciation for basic nourishment into my hectic and chaotic "real" life.
Around 12:00 I realized I had never eaten my morning snack. I felt like a failure, even though it really is not that critical. But I, of course, wanted to be perfect on my first day back...to show myself I had overcome the worst of my issues and was ready to return to normalcy. I should know by now that perfection is not a healthy and productive goal. However, I suppose if that had completely sunk in I wouldn't be spending hours each week with a therapist, dietitian, and medical doctor, now would I?
So I ate my lunch. Got back on track. Attended a meeting during which the university President sent us mixed messages about "say yes to the students!" but "uphold the highest of standards!". We rolled our eyes and snickered inside. I returned to the office to finish up the day, feeling cautiously optimistic and slightly accomplished.
On the ride home, it fell apart. Big time.
A few days ago, I had presented LA with a scenario that perfectly illustrated my eating disorder (the actual story is not important so I won't bore you with the details). She helped me to see that my obsession with body/food/calories/weight is really a distraction from everything else that overwhelms me or is too painful to deal with. While I understood where she was coming from and did in fact see this pattern in myself, it didn't really hit me how accurate her interpretation was until this afternoon.
On the way home from work, my mind started to go into overdrive. I started processing through the day, and (of course) found flaws. My inner critic was having a field day with "you should have accomplished more than that today" and "you need to work harder if you want people to respect you again" (just imagine some others...come on, you are getting to know me well!). I also started thinking about the evening hours and began obsess over what to eat for dinner before my appointment with Dr. Joe, what to say to Dr. Joe, which workout I could fit in after my appointment with Dr. Joe, what to pack for lunch tomorrow, when I could fit in laundry (no clean gym clothes to teach cycling tomorrow!), how to prepare for tomorrow's 8:00 AM meeting...
I started to get overwhelmed by the details. The overactive mind that helps me to accomplish and achieve started to eat away at my confidence. Anyone who is really together would be able to do all of these things with ease...
Instinctively, I pushed all of the thoughts out of my head. The lengthy mental to-do list? Gone. The feeling of inadequacy? Banished. Enter obsessive thoughts about food...much easier to organize, count, and compartmentalize.
I met with Dr. Joe. I listened and absorbed his advice for the first part of our session, and then slowly shut down. I was only half-listening, nodding, and contributing. In between his words, my mind was filling with self-doubt and defeat...
"He is only a few sessions away from giving up on you because you make absolutely no progress whatsoever and are wasting his time."
"What is so wrong with you that you cannot get it together after four months of working with this guy?"
"I must check how many calories are in the organic vegetable soup I've been eating..."
"If I leave here and go to the pool, how many yards would I need to swim to burn off my lunch? If I didn't swim tonight, how much would I need to work out tomorrow to make up for it?"
"Did I go back to work too soon? No...I should be able to handle it. Anyone else would be able to handle it all just fine. Something is just wrong with me..."
I left Dr. Joe's in a state of exhaustion (not from him) and a slight depression, but I was unable to really put my finger on it. When I got home, I committed LA's Cardinal Sin #1...
I counted up the calories I had consumed throughout the day.
This is a big no-no. I am not allowed to do this under any circumstances. I should be just plain eating, following the meal plan, and not paying any attention to labels or the contents of my safe foods. Nonetheless, my mind was filling quickly with all kinds of emotions and I needed to push it out and focus on something simple: food. Weight. Calories. Simplistic. Measurable. Numeric.
When I added it all together on my Blackberry calculator I was appalled. Throughout the day, I had been eating healthfully, following my intuition and sticking with safe foods. I calculated again. That number just had to be wrong. There is no way I would eat that much. Suddenly I wanted to purge...badly. I wanted to get rid of it all and start over again tomorrow.
I started to pack for tomorrow and instinctively left out several of the usual things in an effort to shave off calories for tomorrow. I caught myself. I was restricting, moving away from the plan. That's where it all starts to go downhill. I took a deep breath and packed my usual food, trying to ignore the glaring number flashing in my head. Dammit, I thought, I should have listened and stayed blissfully ignorant of what I have been eating.
LA is going to kill me. Lesson learned. I do plan to try and forget about those numbers by morning so I can start over again tomorrow. I am confident I will be able to. My team has equipped me with more than enough support and knowledge, and while my mind did go a little "ED" today, I understand why. I became overwhelmed by work and the demands of my real life, and started listening to the ED voice instead of my own. In the moment of disorder and chaos, his voice was easier- simpler even- to listen to.
So this post doesn't paint the best picture of my return to work. But, the good news is that I 1. did not purge or do anything stupid, 2. caught myself before restricting or starving tomorrow in an effort to "make up for" today, 3. asked for help when I needed it, and 4. developed new insight that allows me to pinpoint the exact moments my mind will switch from (insert hectic/painful/chaotic situation here) to food/weight/calories, thus beginning the restrict/purge cycle I was once heavily caught within.
Okay, so Day One back at work had its ups and downs. I survived. I'm beginning to see my eating disorder play out in response to stress and loss of control. I may even be to a point where I can consider these experiences to be learning experiences...I do not automatically turn to restricting or purging the second my brain switches to the calorie/weight/food obsessions (as I once did). Now, I can at least process through them and recognize what is going on.
Of course, I still need people to walk me through these moments. Sucks to be LA, Dr. Joe, and Mama K right now, I suppose. Although they'll never truly know how much I appreciate them putting up with me.
In a text a few minutes ago, Mama K screamed (well, imagine a text scream): "Get in bed and do not get out. I want you to send me a picture of you proving to me you are in bed". So, I have to go to bed now. Or at least take a picture and act like I'm calling it a day.
Yes m'am. On that note, I'm heading to bed.
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