Anorexia is continually glamorized in the media. I want to be honest with those who read my story and blog...let me tell you:
Anorexia is ugly. Anorexia is not easily conquered. Anorexia is a downward spiral.
Anorexia moves quickly. Before you know it, it has gripped you and pulled you into a cycle from which you cannot break free. You begin to restrict, to purge, to exercise more and more...and before you know it you have lost the control you so desperately seek. You will try your hardest to tell people you are in control of your eating disorder, but the reality is that you are not. And you WILL need help to break free.
When I was first hospitalized for anorexia, I was convinced my therapy team was overreacting. Since that first hospitalization, I've been confronted with various health issues resulting from the severe drop in body weight, purging cycles, and overall weakness. Thanks to anorexia, my body has failed me and is in critical need of repair.
I am still in the early stages of recovery and often still feel as though those around me are overreacting; but I have also come to realize that my perception is distorted. For that reason, I need to trust those around me (extremely hard to do when you are a raging, Type-A control freak) to lead me down the path to health.
Anorexia is hiding your darkest secret from those you love. It's waiting to be all alone in the bathroom at work so you can purge in private. It's losing your hair. It's the embarassment when you realize people can see your hip bones and ribs (even though you can't and you are certain they are under a huge layer of fat). It's comments from others about how unhealthy you look. It's bloodshot eyes, and dizziness, and anxiety about enjoying a dinner out with your friends.
It's withdrawing from your friends. It's avoiding hugs for fear people will notice that you have been reduced to skin and bones. It's isolation.
Anorexia is NOT a pretty thing. It is not a glamorous disorder, nor is it soley about weight and a desire to be thin.
Anorexia is about control. It's about self-hatred and self-destruction.
But the good news is that anorexia can be beat. You just have to be stronger. And everyone who has suffered through anorexia has the strength in them to beat it.
