The last few days have been rough. This is the epitome of the "gray area"...where I now know better and have been equipped with all the tools necessary to fight off the eating disorder, yet all the old patterns still exist and feel rather comfortable in times of stress.

Old habits die hard.

When studying to become a personal trainer, I remember learning about the 21-day theory, which basically assumes that an individual must maintain a behavior pattern for twenty one days before it then becomes a new habit. I recently met that mark in treatment. For over twenty-one days, I did not skip a meal or purge. This was a big accomplishment...until the bottom fell out this week.

I wouldn't consider this a relapse per se, as I have been able to get back on track after some incidents this week. To me, a relapse is a full-blown return to the old pattern of not eating, giving in from time to time and eating something ridiculously small (like a few pretzels), only to throw them up minutes later thanks to self-inflicted punishment for "giving in". That is not currently happening. Mama K is all about "perspective", so I guess when you apply her "perspective", I have come a long way despite this week's challenges (which feel like major failures to me).

I hate to focus on the negatives in my blog, but, unfortunately, the negative incidents are often the ones I am forced to analyze as I try to turn this thing around. The best I can do is try to reflect on them, talk about them with the team, and try to implement damage control when necessary.

I'm starting to realize that I do return to the old pattern when I sense a loss of control over a situation involving food/body/weight/exercise. It's almost as though I throw on a pair of earmuffs, ignore everything that is going on around me, and spend some quality one-on-one time with the old eating disorder friend in my mind. In moments of confusion and anxiety, it's the only voice I listen to, and he (earlier this week, LA decided the eating disorder is a man) often talks a lot louder than LA, Dr. Joe, and everyone else who likes to fill my brain with positivity, healthy coping skills, and snappy little "anti-eating-disorder" quotes.

So here's the bottom line. I'll just throw it out there: I purged three times this week (actually somewhat of a miracle given how many times I had to battle to not restrict and/or purge). I feel terrible about it. I haven't even told LA about two of the incidents yet (they were last night, so I haven't had the chance to). I've beaten myself up over it, mostly because I wonder why on earth people would still want to help someone- invest a lot of time and energy in someone- who can't seem to get it together. There it is again, that critic: "People have invested in you. You need to work like hell to make sure they don't regret it."

(I've said that to myself so many times in my life. I honestly, even after all this time, have no idea where it comes from. If you want to get all 'psycho-therapy with it, it's very cleary an "I don't deserve anything to just be handed to me" statement...again, I do not know where that comes from either. Feel free to analyze as you wish.)

I, of course, want to beat this thing in record time. I want to have as few setbacks as possible. I want the "perfect" recovery. Like I said...old habits (now referring to the perfectionist attitude I've used to propel me forward for twenty-plus years) die hard.