Panic Setting In

It's Sunday night, which means I am in my usual spot on the sectional sofa in the basement, watching Sunday Night Football. After yet another Browns loss, it's nice to be able to watch my beloved backup team (the Colts) play textbook football against the Redskins. Hey, every Browns fan has to invest some energy into a second team, as it keeps us watching football long after the season appears to be "over" (that feeling sets in around Week #3 when you are a Browns fan).

This Sunday night feels strange to me, as I know I will not be going into the office tomorrow or tackling another crazy, jam-packed week. Instead, my calendar has been cleared with the exception of medical appointments, therapy appointments, and the daily work with LA.

This weekend has been a bit of a blur, as I'm still feeling a little beaten down physically and mentally. On Friday night we had dinner and drinks with our neighbors and friends. While we are all busy living our separate lives (popping out kids, working our jobs, being grown-ups), it was nice to touch base and catch up. I taught back-to-back classes at the gym on Saturday morning, ran a bunch of errands, met another friend to catch up, and took the dog for a long walk in the woods before becoming a vegetable and watching the OSU-Wisconsin game (for the record, I hate OSU). We also went to a late-night showing of the movie "Social Network" (thank you, Mark Zuckerberg for making "relationship status" and "poking" the conerstones of my generation's social interactions).

This morning involved a lifting/ swimming morning workout during which I felt like crap (and Dr. Joe watched it all unfold from a few lanes over, giving me that parental look of disapproval...I sometimes hate that we use the same gym), listened to my body, and surrenderred to the couch for the rest of the day to watch the NFL games.

Medical leave will begin tomorrow at 9:00 am. Instead of putting on my high heels, trying to cram as much as possible into a 12-hour day, and making the professional decisions I'm paid to make, I'll be fully engaged in eating disorder treatment and resting my deteriorating body. It's an odd feeling, and I am still talking myself into this decision even as it is lingering on the horizon.

One of the feelings that keeps creeping up is a sense of urgency. While I know the anxiety about getting better is probably self-induced, I can't help but feel that "this-is-your-last- shot" message from those in my life. I sense it from those I work with, my husband, and my close friends who have been watching my eating disorder take over my life. This pressure, whether real or sensed, motivates me at times, yet frustrates and cripples me during others. Many times this weekend, I found myself experiencing thinking "everyone in my life is going to walk away if I don't get it together immediately" or "my husband, friends, and coworkers cannot possibly put up with this much longer; I have two weeks to fix this".

Bring on the panic.

I may be sick. I may need to rest, but that doesn't mean my natural inner drive has been turned off like a light switch. Just as it has been the catalyst driving my eating disorder, I'm feeling an (unjustified) drive to overcome this quickly, to show others I can beat it, to restore a sense of normalcy to my life (and the lives of those around me) as soon as possible.

That is going to need to change, or else these two weeks are sure to end in disappointment.

I wish eating normally and having a balanced relationship with food was easy; I want nothing more than to indulge in life's pleasures (I really do), but it is a very slow and painful process. At times, I simply want to scream "it's not as easy as you think!" when people gently encourage me to have a slice of pizza, a few beers, some chips and salsa...I want to be normal. I really do. But it isn't going to happen overnight, and it certainly isn't going to happen over the next two weeks, especially given the physical challenges I currently face. I'm honestly not sure what to expect out of the next two weeks (although I highly doubt I'll be indulging in junk food or ripping up the "not acceptable" list of foods by the end of this leave), but I am hoping LA and Dr. Joe can help me set some realistic goals within the next few days...

...and get me to settle the f%&* down.

So what do I need from others right now? I'll just be blunt and say it:

1. Patience- It's didn't take me two weeks to get here, and it's going to take a hell of a lot longer to get better. I'll be working my hardest, but I'm after long-term success and recovery, not a temporary fix. Eating a slice of pizza is not a sign of progress if it is followed by extreme guilt and a burning desire to purge.

2. Understanding- I've been amazed by friends (or the small group I have trusted in confidence, anyhow) who have started to read up on eating disorders, watch documentaries, and ask questions. I can honestly say that striving for understanding and knowledge is the best way to support a loved one who is trying to be refed, learning to eat again, and tackling the psychological motivation behind the disorder. Those efforts mean the world to someone who is going through this because it's tough to verbalize it all the time...trust me!

3. Encouragement- Hey, when your own mind screams at you that you can't do anything, are nothing, and have failed miserably, you need a few positive comments to pull you up...at least until you can start to say them to yourself.

4. Hope- I am not myself right now. But I will be back soon. Just keep hanging on.

I am not perfect. If I were, I wouldn't be writing this blog, now would I? But I do give everything in my life my all, and I intend to do the same during my intensive treatment over the next two weeks.

Deep breath...here we go.