The Happiest Place on Earth

...that's exactly where I am. In the land of cheerful smiles, twinkling eyes, and make believe.

That's right. I am 28 years old, sans children, and spending the next three days here at Disney World in Orlando, FL. Academic advisors and other college administrators have flooded a Disney resort for our annual national conference, and I'll be presenting a session to a group of them on Tuesday.

Mama K and Family dropped me off here in this fantasy land a few hours ago after I spent three wonderful days with them in Jacksonville (where they moved several months ago). It is now time to shift my brain from vacation mode to work mode...although I do not need to officially transform into Professional Me until 8:00 tomorrow morning. So here I sit, post-bubble bath, wine in hand, blogging away about my time spent in Florida thus far.

I didn't blog from Jacksonville because I was simply relaxing and spending lots of quality time with people who are very much a second family to me. The time spent there grounded me, reminded me how much I am cared for, and lifted my spirits the way few other experiences can. There is something to be said for spending time in a environment that is supportive, easy, and comfortable, and it was exactly the break I needed to encourage me to continue on the path to health.

A very strange phenomenon happened while in Jacksonville, and I'm still trying to process through it, analyze it, and learn from it (because that's what those of us with overactive minds tend to do). While there, I just...ate. The anxiety over calorie counting, food choices, and warding off guilt really was a non-issue, and I ate like a normal human being: making sensible choices, eating when I was hungry, and then just letting it go. I continued to work out, attending a strength class with Mama K on Friday and squeezing a moderate run in on Saturday, but the exercise wasn't guilt-induced or used as a form of purging. I even indulged in some candy (Mama K calls it her daily Vitamin M...she is referring to the large bag of M&M's she keeps in the kitchen cabinet...love it), lots of wine, Starbucks runs, cheese, pralines...all in moderation.

I've been here before: this place where I start to eat normally and indulge in life's little treats. But it has always been immediately followed with an intense urge to purge, exercise it off, or starve for a few days in an effort to turn it around (which physiologically doesn't even make sense...but therein lies the disease). This time around, while I will admit that I spent several minutes critically examining my body in the mirror after my bubble bath, I was able to talk back to that menacing eating disorder voice and not act upon it. I had let my food-restricting guard down a little while enjoying my time with a family I love dearly, and, surprisingly, I am handling it well so far.

What does this all mean? Was I relaxed and feeling "safe" enough to let go of the control? Am I making strides towards a long-term recovery? I'm not sure what it all means, but I am glad food wasn't the #1 thing on my mind during the first three days of this trip. It allowed much more time for laughing, joking, and catching up. Perhaps I am getting closer to my own version of the Happiest Place on Earth.

I have three days left here in Florida, and I hope to keep this pattern going as much as possible. Now that I am alone and without the distraction of company, I have started to feel the need to restrict a little more. But I intend to go back to following LA's meal plan exactly over the next few days and try to remove as much anxiety and emotion as possible out of eating.

I'm here until Wednesday evening, and when I return home, I will be meeting with both LA and Dr. Joe on Thursday. I am hoping they can help me figure out why my fear of food seemed to diminish temporarily while in Jacksonville. And if we can figure out the recipe for this success, maybe I can begin to create it on my own back home. After all, no one ever said there has to be one Happiest Place on Earth.

Off to dream of princes, fairy tales, and mice with oversized ears...