I've ignored a health problem for a little while and the combination of it plus recent symptoms has the team (me included) a little stressed out today.
I'll spare you the details of the issue I tried to ignore (it's not pleasant). And I shouldn't have ignored it. Lesson learned.
As for the most recent health issue, I started feeling a burning sensation while eating several days ago followed by an excrutiating pain in my back and underneath my sternum. This all started the day after I returned home from Orlando, but was tolerable in the beginning. I also thought it could just be a sign of a chest cold from the change in weather. Of course, there was that small little voice telling me "this is probably related to your eating disorder, you idiot..." but I, of course, told it to shut up.
After the wedding on Saturday night, the pain really hit hard. When I was lying down, the pain in my midsection was excrutiating, and when I stood up, my throat and esophagus felt like it was on fire. It was a lose-lose situation, and I spent about 30 minutes walking around the hotel room (The Mr. concerned, yet unable to stay awake) trying to get it to go away before eventually giving in to exhaustion and going to sleep.
The next morning, the group met for breakfast at First Watch. I ordered the multigrain pancakes with blueberry compote, and ate about half, using the conversation as distraction as each bite made its painful way down my throat and esophagus.
I foolishly tried to run Sunday afternoon and had to stop (for the first time ever, mind you) thanks to the shooting pain brought on by each inhale. By this time, I knew exactly what was going on: I've damaged my esophagus and digestive tract from purging. The guilt from that realization was overwhelming.
I decided to give up on trying to choke down solid food, so last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast consisted of my trusty peanut-butter-banana-Greek-yogurt shake. I went to bed last night counting down the hours until I would see LA this morning and start to make some sense of what I was feeling.
I disclosed everything to LA this morning, even the symptom I had been ignoring. While not a doctor, LA's career as a dietitian has, obviously, earned her plenty of experience working with the eating disordered and she starting connecting the dots immediately.
While I'm still waiting to hear back from Dr. K., there is more than likely some damage to my digestive tract or tears (large or small) on my esophagus. The symptom I had been ignoring also may mean bleeding is involved. I've been instructed to stick with soft, bland foods until I can see Dr. K. and she can determine the extent of what is going on. On the less-serious end, it could be an acid reflux from purging; on the most-serious end, there is a tear in my esophagus from stomach acids. There are many shades of gray in between, so I will just need to wait and see. At this point, the damage is done and now, and I just need to take the steps to fix it and see to it that it never happens again.
The pain, the anxiety over what it could be, the guilt...all because of purging. Now isn't that a wake-up call.
I want to make it clear that I am not purging regularly, and have been making tremendous strides. In fact, LA and I had planned to increase my meal plan this week until this recent development, and I was more than ready to do so. This is more than likely an extension of the damage that already exists from purging several times daily (which was months ago; I've improved by leaps and bounds since then), and was worsened by the isolated incidents of purging in Orlando.
Recently, LA and I had really begun to focus on increasing my protein intake to build my muscles again (something I was looking forward to doing, given my love of fitness and strength). The most frustrating part of this setback is the fact that we may need to back off on the protein because it causes my body to produce more acid , therefore potentially damaging the inflammation and tears further. Just as my list of "safe" foods was starting to grow, I must scale back to foods that are bland and soft.
While I was on board with moving ahead, increasing food intake, and rebuilding muscle, I now need to be on board with damage repair. And I am. While I feel awful about creating such damage in my body, I also realize that it can (hopefully) be reversed and that setbacks are part of the recovery process. And as much as I would like to beat myself up for choosing to purge those few times in Orlando, I also know that an eating disorder does not just vanish because I want it to.
The recovery process, for me, has been filled with triumphs and setbacks. I have to say, this recent development is a big wake-up call, not only because of the pain I'm in, but also because of the motivation it provides. Past setbacks, relapses, and hard times have left me feeling frustrated, but this one has ignited a true fire within me.
What makes this wake-up call a louder one that those preceding it?
It's louder because I experienced what freedom from an eating disorder feels like. I know I am making progress, and LA and Dr. Joe confirm that to me. I know I can eat normally and not focus on food- I did it in Jacksonville and I did it at the wedding over the weekend. I know I have the strength in me to kick this. So while the battle I'm facing now related to my health scares me, I am more motivated than ever to fix it, use it as the wake-up call it's intended to be, and make sure I never have to experience it again.
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