Dr. K greeted me this morning with a more detailed version of my scope results from GI Guy. I'm not entirely sure why GI Guy did not go into the level of detail Dr. K was able to, however, I will chalk that up to him being a boy (similar to Dr. Joe's guy moments, I suppose). Come to think of it, I was pretty f-ed up after the procedure, and was in and out of sleep mode. I probably wouldn't have wanted to have an in-depth conversation with me either. Regardless, after the details emerged, it was evident to me that the situation is not as rosy as I was led to believe the other day. Dr. K delivered the following news:
- The scope showed evidence of bleeding in the lining of my stomach.
- My esophagus, though not torn, was inflammed.
- Presence of ulcers- confirmed.
- The pain in my back is probably stemming from the gallbladder (thrown off by imbalances in enzymes and perhaps other horrible side effects from repeated vomiting), so she asked GI Guy to order an ultrasound to take a closer look. If the pain is in fact stemming from the gallbladder, this completely useless organ will be removed from my body. Bye-by gallbladder, f%&k you for causing me such pain.
The fact that I can return to running was such good news I almost forgot about the other stuff. Until I heard Dr. Joe's voice in my head: "Don't you ever forget!" and decided I should keep it in my head a little while longer.
Thankfully, I was able to push Dr. K's mixed news out of my head when I left the office, as I was meeting my coworker pals for lunch. I feel honored that they have missed having me around the office, and I was looking forward to catching up with them about office happenings and student stories. College students are like walking sitcoms; there is literally never a dull moment when working in higher education.
My coworkers haven't really seen me eat well in a very long time, so I'm sure the fact that I downed my entire salad at Rockne's came as a bit of a surprise to them. I'm sure they were pleased, and hoping I'll be making runs to the student center for homemade chips and peanut butter brownies again in the very near future. I hope so too. I kind of miss those brownies, to be honest. But not yet...
After lunch was a trip to LA's office. I came unraveled a bit there, perhaps from the news I had received this morning. LA, always on the same wavelength as me for some reason I cannot quite figure out, hit the nail on the head when she said "I sense that you are caught between denial ("don't listen to them, it's not that bad") and panic ("oh shit, this is really serious"). She's exactly right. Each time I get news about my medical condition, I flip-flop between pushing it back to the deepest, most unaccessible corner of my brain and/or letting it bring me to tears.
It's hard to forget that the pain and damage has been, for the most part, self-induced. It's when I allow myself to think about that fact that the waterworks are turned on and the weight of extreme guilt sets in. I suppose it is in those moments that the reality is pushed back. It's a self-preservation thing, really.
Anyhow, LA spent double the usual time with me, as always. She even researched some of the things Dr. K and GI Guy told me so we can better understand my conditions and how to handle them from here on out. I texted Mama K after meeting with LA and said "I'm not sure why people like you and LA have latched on to me and go above and beyond to help me, but I am very, very appreciative."
She responded: "We all believe in you!". Dr. Joe told me once that one of my skills is creating pseudo-family around me. I'm glad I have people in my life who allow me to do just that.
Another slight "down" for today: I've been making a lot of progress with eating over the last few weeks, but for some reason have hit a bit of wall. It's not that I'm slipping back or even considering going back to certain behaviors (especially given the recent medical developments), but I'm starting to pull back just enough to stop the progress moving forward. I'm not sure why. Yesterday's lunch was smaller than usual and a bit restrictive, and I had to just revert back to the robotic chicken-rice-broccoli meal tonight so I wouldn't overthink dinner. LA says this is normal, that my progress will sometimes be significant, and at other times, slip back a little. I think the new anxiety over food is stemming from a lack of physical activity this week due to the scope procedure and not feeling well (thank you, gallbladder pain, or whatever). While I'm making big strides, I am still a calories-in/ calories-out kind of girl (the need to purge in some way still lingers!) and absence from the gym this week isn't exactly driving me headfirst into large plates of food.
In other news, our 15-pound Jack Russell terrier mix has developed an eating disorder, so I'm being forced to take the blame for this recent development. The once-gluttonous little pig has started to restrict. He is now refusing to eat bananas (once an all-time favorite), spitting out grilled chicken (another drool-inducing treat), and hiding the bits of apple I toss to him under the sofa. In addition, he will not touch the food in his dish unless one of us stands over him and repeatedly says "good boy!" as he chomps away (this is rather odd, though, as most with eating disorders do not want to be watched while eating...I'm not sure what game he is playing). I blame The Mr. for talking about the dog's weight in front of him, thus giving him a complex. The Mr. blames me, saying the dog is constantly witnessing his mommy obsess over food. Regardless of who is to blame, the dog needs to get over his ED fast. There is only room for one of us in this house, and I'm working much harder than he is to overcome my issues.
So there you have it...kind of a downer of a post (with the exception of the dog's ED issues), I know it. But, hey, it's real and that's what's going on. Tomorrow is an appointment/therapy/treatment-free day. I'll actually kind of miss Dr. Joe, LA, Dr. K...even GI Guy (why not, he needs love too).
What an odd and twisted life I lead at the moment!
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