ED Moment at the MCO

The MCO...the Orlando International Airport. Who knows where the M or the C comes from, but nevertheless, that's where I'm at. My flight leaves in about an hour, and then I'll be transported from sunny Florida to the gray, bone-chilling rain of the midwest (well, that's what I'm gathering from my local friends' recent Facebook posts, anyhow).

About twenty minutes ago I was walking in circles like an insane person in the Gates 90-99 Concourse, chewing my fingernails and looking around with wild eyes. Security did not look too concerned, however, so I must have beeen hiding my temporary insanity quite well.

What turned an over-educated, perfectly sane 28-year old into this nail-biting, wild-eyed, nervous airport pacer? A sudden moment of eating-disorder anxiety. That moment when you realize you need to eat (or else your dietitian will grab you by the neck and strangle you) and there is not a "safe" morsel of food within a 50-mile radius.

Culinary delights on MCO's Gates 90-99 Concourse include the following tantalizing options: Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs, Burger King, Starbucks, Outback Steakhouse, and Smoothie King. Let's process through these options, shall we? Get ready for the ride of your life: a journey through the irrational eating disordered mind. Fasten your seatbelts.

After spending the first 20 minutes post-security-check texting with The Mr., Mama K, and some other friends, I decide I probably need to eat something. It has been about 5 hours since my last meal (which was chicken and vegetable soup...I had suddenly started freaking out about the resort food yesterday and it never really went away). I scan the concourse options and begin the usual process of elimination:

Burger King- Definitely out, wouldn't even consider it. Didn't eat it before I developed the eating disorder, certainly not touching the shit now. Immediately crossed off the list.

Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs- While hot dogs do bring back many a childhood memory (my non-domesticated father nuking them in the microwave and then plopping them down in front of me for "dinner"), processed meat has never really been high on my list of preferred nutrition options. Even the all-beef versions are a little panic-inducing, considering LA has a hard enough time getting me to consume meats even in their most natural forms. Other Nathan's items? Fries. Sodas. Cookies. Haven't kept that stuff down in awhile, and purging is really not an option I want to consider. Nathan's gets the ax.

Outback Steakhouse- Eh, flight leaves in an hour. Don't want to sit for an actual meal. That would also require leaving a tip. Outback is black-lined.

That leaves the two beverage-heavy options: Starbucks and Smoothie King. I pace between the two about a dozen times, weighing the options.

Smoothie King has a peanut butter banana smoothie that instantly catches my eye. Peanut butter-banana smoothies are a main staple of my recovery diet, and I often eat a Greek yogurt-banana-PB version when I don't think I can handle a big meal or solid foods. It's LA-approved. BUT...I don't know anything about Smoothie King. Do they add a pound of sugar? Is their peanut butter all natural? Do their smoothies have 2,000 calories like some of the other "healthy" smoothie chains? Do they sneak something in there I can't pronounce? My mind reels, and I know taking down the seemingly innocent smoothie without this information is sure to make me purge, even in a germ-infested airport restroom.

I turn to my Blackberry and use my trusty nutrition facts application (not really the best thing for an ED patient to have on her phone, but I turn to it in only the most desperate of situations) to ease my mind. I stare at the screen, hoping my Blackberry will tell me it is perfectly fine to drink the smoothie and move on with my life like everyone else. Among the thousands of restaurants stored within this application, Smoothie King is not one of them.

Well damn.

Back to Starbucks, which I know does not count as food. But surely desperate times would allow me to consider a Skinny Caramel Latte (a "safe" choice for me) a meal, right? Probably not...and I'm trying to be a good eating disorder patient by eating when I'm told to eat and making good choices.

I strongly consider not eating. Who needs food anyhow? This is bullshit, all this work that has to go into this decision. For a moment, I hate myself for not being normal.

I strongly consider mindlessly ordering a giant Whopper and fries like the rest of the free world (who seem to have no problem at all eating this), and then just purging it immediately. I haven't had one in probably a decade and it might even taste good. But then what would be the point in eating it in the first place?

I decide I'm screwed. I need to eat something and I can't figure out what. I panic.

As I'm pacing the concourse with calories, sugar grams, fat, and artificial flavors flooding my brain, I've been texting Mama K about something unrelated (about the plush Fantasia Mickey I bought at Disney, to be exact). I derail the text conversation and text back: "What do you know about Smoothie King? I'm in eating disorder mode and I'm freaking out at the airport. No choices."

She texts back: "Starbucks protein smoothie thing...the one with the banana in it." (She knows this typically meets my approval, I talked her 14-year daughter into trying it earlier this week).

I respond: "No, normally ok but I'm freaking out about chocolate for some reason."

She (quite logically) recommends getting the strawberry-banana one, then. "No," I text back, "I have no idea what is in that."

By this time I am getting angry at myself. This is just ridiculous. Eat something and move on. And why rope Mama K into this insanity along with me?

But I can't. I'm paralyzed by the way my eating disordered mind processes through food decisions. In a moment of desperation, I dial LA.

"Hey, it's M. You familiar with Smoothie King?"

LA: "Yes. Why?"

Me: "Anything in there I should be worried about?"

LA: "Nope. Good choice. Go for it."

Me: "Ok, thanks..."

(I later texted Mama K and told her I think LA often lies to me to get me to eat outside my normal choices. But, hey, I still seek her stamp of nutritional approval in times like these).

So after this lengthy ordeal involving three individuals and a basic food choice, I choke down the smoothie.

These moments remind me that I do still need my support system. It is so easy for me to slip back into this panic when I lose my sense of control. At times, even basic decisions need to be made for me. I rely so heavily on the professionals to confirm my choices, but I also recognize that reaching out to them is something I need to be doing right now. Had LA not given me the green light on the smoothie, I probably would have skipped that meal or slipped back into the purging I'm trying to move past. For now, though, the fact that I need her to tell me to eat is ok, and I'm glad I have her to call when it all seems too overwhelming. She gets it, and isn't weirded out by my neurotic obsession over breaking down the ingredients in airport faire.

Reaching out is, in a sense, progress in the right direction.

As for the days at Disney and eating- there were ups and downs. LA and I actually talked on Monday evening, as I was melting down after eating (and purging- ok, I said this blog would be an honest portrayal...there you have it) lunch and dinner at the resort. I was extremely frustrated because I had eaten so well while in Jacksonville, and hardly obsessed over food at all. However, being alone at a resort with limited food options (well, not truly limited, but limited for someone like me), combined with nervousness about a professional presentation at the conference, was a recipe for an eating disorder trainwreck.

LA helped me see that I ate with ease in Jacksonville because it was a safe environment, and that my attention tends to focus back on controlling food when I'm 1. alone, 2. depressed, 3. feeling inadequate. All three of those plagued me a little while at the resort, despite the gorgeous weather and happy Disney people.

So by today (day 6 in Florida), there was bound to be a food-induced meltdown at the MCO. Six days away from my usual routine and safe foods is a looooong time. I handled three of them exceptionally well, and while the other three brought some hills and valleys, they can be chalked up to learning experiences that will help me tackle the next trip better.

And another outcome of this trip? Smoothie King has now been added to my List o' Acceptable Foods. Yippee :)