An Early Thanksgiving Dinner

This is the second Sunday evening in a row on which I do not need to prepare to go to work tomorrow, begin another over-booked week, or iron a set of dress clothes. I'm about to begin the second half of my two-week leave from work, and continue working closely with LA and Dr. Joe. This week also brings the dreaded endoscopy (scope) procedure with GI Guy and a Dr. K appointment (not so dreaded).

As for the weekend, things were pretty casual. I shopped with running friends yesterday for a bit, saw "Life As We Know It" with The Mr. last night, and took a lot of much-needed naps (I can definitely tell my body is revolting and in need of some rest). As for today, we just returned home from an annual family gathering this evening, held about an hour away from where we live. The Mr.'s grandmother escapes the midwestern winters by hopping on the highway and taking off for her Floridian condo around this time each year, so we always have Thanksgiving a month early so she can be included in (er, prepare) the feast.

I know the holidays will be here quickly (thank you, Target...I know Christmas shopping is the first thing on my mind the second Labor Day has passed), and I can't help but remember a goal I set for myself many months ago: to have a grip on my eating disorder before the holidays so I could truly enjoy the food and festivities. While I still have several months to go (and thus, this goal is still within reach), it has become evident to me that recovery is not as quick and painless as I had first anticipated.

I remember first meeting Dr. Joe. He said to me after that initial appointment back in July: "I want you to be patient with this process. We'll re-evaluate in six months and see where we are at that time."

I remember thinking "This guy is a damn fool. Give me a month and I'll have this thing kicked."

Well, here we are, nearly four months later and prepping me for an early family Thanksgiving meal requires the careful, intentional, and detailed planning of a military operation. Granted, it is not "technically" the holidays yet, I have encountered far more ups and downs during recovery than anyone could have anticipated, and no one expects a girl to go from learning how to eat again to pigging out on a pan of bread stuffing. But the sight of a turkey and the smell of pumpkin pie today reminded me that the holidays are around the corner (despite the fact that The Mr.'s family is a little ahead of the game), and therefore the goal I set for myself is creeping up...quickly.

Knowing this meal was on the calendar for today did throw me into a slight ED-inspired panic. I wasn't perfect (I fall short of this, if you recall...wink), but I did the best I could considering where I currently am in this process. Here's the recap:

7:00 am- While Dr. K has not cleared me for running just yet (she did not respond to an amusing email I sent her on Friday asking about it), I (stupidly) met a friend for a (fast) run this morning. I did this for all the wrong reasons (I'll admit it! Caught!): I wanted to exercise before going anywhere near the Thanksgiving food (as though just the smell of it may strip me of my muscle tone and turn me into a ball of goo), and I had taken 10 days off running already and missed it like hell. In my twisted mind, the fact that I had to ice my shin for an hour when I got home was a small price to pay for a run, and Dr. K will never know the difference. Wrong decision #1 for the day.

(Dr. K has never called me a perfect patient...so I don't have a reputation to live up to with her).

9:00 am- Made breakfast, one of my two usuals.

1:00 pm- The Mr. makes lunch. I pace in the kitchen. To eat or not to eat? LA would want me to eat. I do not want to eat. I am panicked about the looming family dinner. I finally grab a very small snack because I know I should. I know skipping a meal is a major sin right now; that is an ED Recovery 101 no-brainer. I shove the guilt out of my head. Wrong decision #2 of the day.

4:00 pm- We arrive at the family gathering, and I am hit in the face with the smell of roasted turkey and ham the moment we open the door. Bring on the usual comments (I am used to them by now, especially from the older relatives): "Oh my gosh, M! Do you eat?" and "You seem to shrink every time I see you! You don't have a thing left to lose! We need to get some pie in you today!". Other times I get the "You look amazing! You have lost so much weight!" and I think to myself: Thank you! But my insides are falling apart, I have to pay someone to teach me to eat food like a normal person, and I can't live my life because of my preoccupation with nutritional information! And you think you want to look like this? Yeah...it's not as fun as it looks!

5:00 pm- The buffet is set. The Mr.'s stepbrother takes his reserved place as the first in line and starts to dig in. Everyone is filling the small bowls with salad, then returning for a large plate of the other "real" food. I scan the table of food. There are things I want, but I know I would not be able to psychologically handle it if I went overboard or felt as though I "binged" (which, at this point, is really just eating like a normal person). However, I am torn between wanting to eat according to my current comfort level and warding off the "You don't eat a thing! Just dig in for god's sake!" comments I seem to regularly receive at events such as this one. This inner conflict is a familiar one, as I have had to strike the perfect balance between eating like a normal person and still sticking to my comfort level many, many times both in the throes of my eating disorder and now in refeeding and recovery.

Last week, during a conversation about this conflict, LA said to me "You have to realize almost everyone has an issue with food. When people make comments about what you are eating, they are projecting their own issues and beliefs about food onto you."

I know my mind cannot yet handle eating mounds of mashed potatoes, or a plate filled to the sides with gravy-laden stuffing. I am aware of the fact that even a few bites of sweet potato casserole will force me to fight the urge to purge for hours after we leave. I'm just not there yet, but that doesn't mean I won't be in the future.

While standing there in front of the overflowing table of food, I suddenly decide people should take their own personal issues with food and shove them up their asses. Bring on the comments; I'm ready for them. No one but me knows exactly how tough this battle has been for me, and I have to trust the experts who are telling me to fix it the correct way. Gone are the days in which I ate something to prevent the "Why do you always eat so healthy?"comments, only to end up in the bathroom purging and wrecking my body.

With LA's encouraging voice in my head, I pass over the small bowls and grab for a larger plate. I go against the grain (rebel!) and fill half of the large plate with salad. I fill the other half with small amounts of only the indulgences I really, really want. I avoided the foods that lead me to question the ingredient list, obsess over hidden salt, sugar, or butter, or would cause extreme guilt. I'm just not there yet. I need to do what I can handle.

As I sit down at the table, I notice one of my husband's relatives scanning my plate. Through her eyes, she is watching a very skinny girl eat a plate half-filled with salad and probably wondering to herself whether or not I ever indulge, and if she needs to be worried. I see that look from people often. While the worry would certainly be justified, I know better than anyone that my situation is much more than what meets the eye. Sure, I am battling an eating disorder; their assumption is correct. But what they don't know is that I am closer to the end of the battle than the beginning.

Big family meals are eating disorder landmines, and the upcoming months will contain many of them thanks to our many families (divorce creates multiple families, don't ya know?). While my original goal was to be eating normally for the holidays, today was a bit of a trial run. It reminded me I have work to do (I still desperately want to purge tonight's meal even though I made the healthiest choices possible given the situation), and that fully recovering may not fall on a perfect timeline no matter what goals I have set for myself.

Tonight marks the halfway point for my two-week leave from work. Regardless of whether or not the "Holiday Recovery Goal" is met in the near future, this time off has helped me to make significant progress towards getting my life back.

Thanks to our crazy families, there will be several more Thanksgiving meals over the next month or so. This may have been the first round of Anorexia vs. Thanksgiving Dinner, but it will most certainly not be the last.