Day 1 Intensive: Play Date with Fake Food

Here we are...Monday and Day One of intensive work with the team over the next two weeks.

This morning, I woke up, showered, threw on jeans, my favorite long-sleeved t-shirt, glasses, beloved North Face jacket, and running shoes. I have to admit, despite the way I dress in my professional life, I am much more in tune with my tomboy side, and dressing this way for the next two weeks falls in the "positives of treatment" column.

LA's office is located in a wellness facility that also includes a gym, so it's familiar territory for me. I enjoy going there because I have grown to trust her, can be completely open about my fear of weight and foods, and she respects me a great deal for my drive and insistence on kicking this disorder. This morning, we caught up a bit at first: her relaying information from Dr. K in exchange for my account of the weekend and how I've been feeling. She tells me I look totally different in my glasses, I ask her about her weekend (which consisted of swiping the credit card repeatedly to purchase all the necessary items for her girls' upcoming formal dances). Then, we get down to business.

LA grabs a giant box from the corner of her office and sets it on the desk, brushing away the dust that had settled on the top (LA no longer works exclusively with eating disorder patients now that she is at the wellness center, so it's probably been awhile since this magic box has made an appearance). She opens it up and pulls out plastic versions of the following: a slice of cherry pie, a chocolate chip cookie, a baked potato, an orange, a glass of orange juice, strawberries, a slice of wheat bread, and a rather disgusting looking pile of pasta. I know by looking at them that the theme of the day is carbohydrates.

The sight of the rubbery imitation pasta makes me want to hurl immediately. I start cracking up. Then LA starts cracking up. She tells me to imagine the pasta is of a whole grain variety, thinking this will help me accept the pasta model. I can't stop laughing...it is the worst imitation of a plate of pasta I've ever seen. She agrees with me, shoves it back in the box, and pulls out a pile of equally-disgusting fake brown rice.

"Ok...we'll use this instead. How's that?"

It looks like a pile of vomit to me, but I agree to let it go and move on.

LA asks me to separate the plastic food into two groups: what I would eat, and what I would not. I immediately move the cookie and slice of cherry pie to the side. I hesitate for a minute, and eventually move the baked potato over to join them. I ask her if the orange juice has added sugar. She says no. I decide it is acceptable.

"I'd eat it all except for those." I point to the offending desserts and the baked potato.

I know what is coming next. I now have to explain my decisions. I tell her I immediately moved the desserts because I have no idea what is in them, therefore no idea how many calories they contain. The amount of sugar in them freaks me out too. It's just easier to say no to them, as my mind starts to go into overdrive trying to process through their nutritional content. She nods. She knows how my mind works at this point.

The baked potato surprises LA, though, so she probes. I just shrug on that one. It's been so long since I've eaten one, I guess I automatically moved it to the "no" group. Also, it is a white starch and I have forgotten the fact that potatoes actually carry a lot of nutrients. This illustrates her point exactly...I was unable to articulate why I moved the potato to the "no" side of the desk, so I immediately realize my decision to remove it was irrational.

LA turns to her computer and pulls up a nutritional breakdown of the baked potato. We go through it together. I see it is ok. I add baked potatoes back to my list of "acceptable foods"...and that's that.

Now on to the desserts...more complicated. We talk about the need for treats. We discuss my recent "binges" (in quotation marks because the term 'binge' is relative) and why they are happening. My body is craving sweets. It wants me to indulge a little from time to time. LA explains that the body doesn't care where the energy comes from, it just needs it; and that foods are simply chemical combinations and there are no "good" or "bad" foods. The foods on the desk before me are all just carbohydrates that will eventually be turned into glucose by the body. I cautiously agree with her, remembering this from my personal training studies.

I decide cookies are probably okay now. But the pie is out. I'm not eating that jelly-like filling crap. No thanks. Maybe after a few more play dates with her plastic food.

LA tells me her strategy on handling treats, and I decided to adopt it as my own. She indulges, but makes sure that when she does, it's worth it. For example, if LA is going to eat a cookie, she's going to eat a damn good cookie (not a Chips A'Hoy, if you get what I'm saying) and gets a gourmet one or makes a batch herself. She treats herself daily, but is a self-proclaimed food snob. I decide to do the same.

I'll begin to indulge a little, but only if I really want something and know I will enjoy it. And now it is Dr. Joe's turn to help me let go of the guilt associated with doing so and avoid purging...we'll tackle that during my appointment with him tomorrow.

LA gave me homework, too, and I will oblige because I like to learn, am a perfectionist, and want feel accomplished (it works in my favor at times). I have to 1. Go an entire week without checking labels or googling ingredients in the foods I decide to eat, and 2. Make a list of the statements that run through my mind related to food choices.

After my meeting with LA, I went into work just to teach my college orientation/ career exploration class (the only piece of my job I kept on the calendar this week). My students this semester are outgoing, energetic, and engaged, and today's activities provoked great conversation, debate, and interaction. For an hour, I forgot about what I am currently trying to overcome and just enjoyed their company. Those 28 college freshmen will never know that their instructor is battling an eating disorder, or have any sense of the motivational impact their laughter and jokes had on me today. I felt a little like myself again: creating community, kidding around with them, and helping them learn.

I also went to lunch with an extremely supportive friend, K, and her two kids and nephew. I planned ahead, ordered safe food, and unloaded some of my frustration and stress onto her (she didn't mind and was happy to listen).

I am now at home for the rest of the day, and plan to take a nap, read, and do my homework for tomorrow's meetings with LA and Dr. Joe. All in all, a successful Day One.

I'm just hoping we're done with the revolting plastic noodles and vomit-like brown rice pile for the rest of the week!