Day 2 Intensive: Double Teamed

Today I felt a little like a child of divorce going between homes. Dr. Joe jokes at times that I play him and LA as though they are my parents (running to one about something the other said, going to the one whose support style matches what I am looking for at that moment, and so forth), and today was no exception.

Though I am in constant contact with both of them almost daily (and they are in contact with one another about me), I rarely see them back-to-back. But since we're hitting the therapy hard these next two weeks, I had the pleasure of working with both of them within a three hour time span.

Today was, overall, another productive day. I can see myself really starting to break free of the eating disorder cycle and create some new patterns.

Appointment #1: Dr. Joe, 12:00 PM

Today I saw a side of Dr. Joe I have never really seen before: he seemed extremely concerned, worried, and serious. On the way down the stairs to his office, he said to me: "where is your lunch?"

Me: "Um, I don't have a lunch with me. You didn't tell me to bring a lunch today." I had been planning to stop by Subway on the way to LA's office.

Dr. Joe: "I thought that was the plan- you were going to eat lunch here?" (I was not aware of this plan...I think he thought he had mentioned this previously, but did not).

Me: "Ok, I will bring it with me on Thursday." I shrug.

I take my usual spot on the couch. I pull my knees up to my chest and sit like a kid, like I always do. I've been here so many times it has started to feel a little like home.

"I'm concerned about your teeth," he starts. Dr. Joe rarely talks about the physical side effects of my eating disorder, unless he has spoke with Dr. K or seen a red flag on my labs and medical records. To date, no one has examined my teeth, so this catches me off guard.

"Okay..." I look at him, puzzled. I am aware of the dental problems that can result from purging, but I have yet to experience any issues and had already planned to see a dentist...soon. I'm not in denial, it's just that other physical side effects have taken priority. I planned to deal with the teeth in time.

I sit there for a moment, with my closed food journal resting next to me on the sofa. Dr. Joe tells me to open it. I do what he says. He gets up, grabs a bright yellow post-it note and hand it to me. He sits back down, leaning forward on the front on his chair and looking me dead in the eye.

"You are feeling better, right?"

I nod.

"I want to make sure you never, ever forget the pain you were in last week." His tone is the most serious I have ever heard, and he is still looking me straight in the eye. "I was extremely concerned. I still am. You are not out of this yet, but you need to always remember how bad it got."

Dr. Joe then told me to write the following words on the yellow post-it note: PAIN, BLOOD, FRACTURE, HOSPITAL, SICKNESS, SCOPE. He tells me to keep the yellow post-it note front and center in the food journal.

I placed it on the inner front cover. Dr. Joe and I talked a great deal after that serious moment. But to be honest, I don't remember much of our appointment except for that exchange.

That was probably his goal. He intends to never, ever let me forget the seriousness of what I am battling...and that's why he's an amazing doctor.

Appointment #2: LA, 2:00 PM

When I get to LA's office, she is coming up the stairs with an empty bowl and spoon. Without thinking, I say to her, "what did you have for lunch?"

LA: "Wait...you're asking me what I had for lunch?" She laughs, but tells me anyhow. It sounds healthy enough. I decide to let her off the hook. I tell her I had Subway. She is pleased.

I pull out my notebook. LA ignores the graphic yellow post-it note on the front as I flip to my homework assignment, a page I titled "My Rules About Food." This list reveals fourteen "rules" I have somehow developed about food; the rules I have rigidly adhered to throughout the past year.

These rules have led me to eating disorder destruction, sickness, bodily harm. These rules have destroyed my confidence, brought me to a place of such extreme darkness, and whittled my body down to nothingness.

I read them to LA one by one. She is quiet for a moment. There it was...the rules of my eating disorder hung between us. We both knew, without saying a word, that the only way to restore me to health was to begin to break the fourteen rules I have followed for months and months, one by one. It will not be easy. But at least we now have a list from which to work.

The details of the conversation that happened thereafter are not important, and I have chosen not to disclose the rules within my blog (for some reason, it is an incredibly personal piece of information I'm not sure I can ever share outside of my very close inner circle). So I will leave you with this positive note:

When I left LA's office, I had to go grocery shopping. Grocery shopping has become a very robotic activity for me during the last several months. After I had eventually restricted my diet down to about a half dozen items, the process of buying food didn't require much thought. I just bought the items The Mr. requested for himself, and that was that.

Given that I had the time to do so (the whole not working thing, if you recall), I decided to actually look around the store and try some new things. I did something I haven't done for about a year: I planned out a few meals for The Mr. and I. I kept them simple and mostly comprised of my "safe" ingredients...but meals nonetheless.

I tossed in about six new items. I used my Blackberry and emailed LA from the check-out line to share with her the new items I was bringing home. I texted Mama K too. And then I called The Mr. and told him I would be cooking dinner tonight when I get home from teaching a class at the gym.

Only those who have watched me try to overcome this can truly appreciate the accomplishment and growth represented by those extra food items in the cart. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it was hard to fight back tears while standing there in the checkout line. I can see an end to this. I'm starting to break free.