I just spent a little time trying to pack for my upcoming trip to Florida. This means makeup, swimsuits, professional attire, running clothes, sports bras, etc are all piled up in the walk-in closet just waiting to be neatly organized and packed away in the giant suitcase.
What, you think someone this high-strung and Type A would just dump it all in there without some kind of order? Puh-lease.
So why the trip to the Sunshine State? Well, the five-night stay has dual purpose, actually. The main reason for the trip is to present some of my work at a national conference for people who do what I do: work with college students, advise, counsel, and develop orientation/retention initiatives. But the trip south also allows me to stay with Mama K and her family for a few nights, too. Their house will be my initial stop, and then they will drive me down to Orlando where I will stay for three nights at a fabulous resort and soak up all that is new and innovative in the world of academic advising (I can assure you, the content is positively riveting...).
Given my recent struggles, ups and downs, and relapses, I'm putting a lot of stock in this trip to rejuvenate me and give me that much needed "pep" in my step. I hope to return to the midwest with renewed enthusiasm for my job (I truly love my career, but battling the ED while trying to tread water there has taken its toll on my motivation and creativity), and feeling a little more grounded from time spent with people who I consider to be like a second family.
At this point in treatment, however, a trip like this cannot happen without some preparation and planning. Unfortunately, the days of spontaneous travel are over for the time being, and I now have to process through scenarios and talk with my team about when to email or call them, how to adapt my meal plan when not at home, and how to talk myself out of urges to purge or skip meals. After meeting with LA yesterday and Dr. Joe today, we are good to go and I am being sent off to tackle this one on my own. Armed with cell phone numbers, email addresses, meal plans, and the usual corny "you can do it!" send offs (which I secretly kind of love), I am ready to go enjoy myself and soak up some sun.
Ironically, Mama K moved to Florida on the exact day I had been admitted to the hospital based on Dr. K's recommendation. The last time she saw me, I was perhaps at my sickest; a very skinny girl whose muscles had deteriorated and who could only stand up for several minutes without leaning against a wall or sitting down. At that time, I had been consuming only about 800 calories a day, purging almost all of it, and working out for about 2-2.5 hours per day. I was in desperate need of help, and was receiving it, but wasn't fully admitting to myself or anyone else how bad things had become.
For this reason, I am looking forward to seeing her. While I am still very thin (apparently...so the doctors tell me...I am, of course, unable to see it), I have been told I have my "glow" back, am starting to build muscle again, and even I know I am much stronger physically. After all she has put up with from me, she deserves to see me at least resembling the healthy girl she once knew and trained.
As for the work portion of this trip, I am looking forward to relishing in the fact that my work has been recognized by my peers and sharing it with those in my field. I have spent a lot of time lately beating myself up for destroying my body, not being able to recover as quickly as I thought I would, gaining and losing weight, allowing myself to lose control of my life the way I have. During this self-destructive cycle, I lost little bits and pieces of myself...I no longer saw myself as a talented individual, a professional, a hard-worker. I'm working to rebuild that confidence, and I'll admit that it has been a slow process. I'm hoping being around others in my field re-energizes me, renews my enthusiasm, and reminds me how I got to this point in my career in the first place. I know the Old Me is in there somewhere. I see glimpses of her from time to time. And I hope this experience will help her to make more frequent appearances when I get back.
The buzzer on the dryer just went off, which is my cue to start folding the clean clothes and finish up the packing! I'll be posting long-distance, so stay tuned for tales from Florida...
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