This morning, I was up bright and early to meet a friend for a ten-mile run through my favorite section of the towpath, where the flat, treelined path cuts through the more rugged and challenging trails. I've noticed that few people outside of the athletic community even know of these trails, yet they are the perfect training grounds for marathoners and ultrarunners. I personally love running in this area because it revives me, reminds me who I am, and encourages me to set very lofty goals related to my athletic pursuits.
The small tri-county I call home has a very high concentration of ultrarunners and nationally-known marathoners. It is not uncommon to see someone from our area featured in Runner's World magazine, to hear that someone you regularly pass on the towpath was a top-ten finisher at Badwater Ultramarathon, or that so-and-so down the street just qualified for his/her tenth Boston. I have heard the phrase "I'll be running the full 26.2 at (insert marathon name here), but just to work on speed. I have that 100-miler coming up at the end of the month, ya know..." more than once, and it seems as though everyone I know has a 50K or above on their resume.
Case in point: just before starting this post, I checked the final results of this weekend's endurance run, in which Dr. Joe himself was competing. Dr. Joe himself had a Just Do It weekend, finishing in the top third even with a bum knee.
Depending on how you look at it, this is either the best or worst place on the planet for a competitive overachiever like me.
I run at a slightly faster pace than the person I met out on the towpath this morning, and she is ok with me taking the lead after we warm up. As a result, I had quite a bit of solo run time during which to contemplate what I want to get out of my body while I still can.
I've already registered for a full marathon in March 2011 (a check in the box, really, since running 26.2 has somehow become commonplace around here). I have verbally committed (in my world, a verbal commitment is pretty much an absolute...if I say I'm going to do it, I do it) to a 50K in June. My running friends like to remind me that I also verbally committed to entering a 100-miler in 2012, so I guess I have to add that to the list as well.
Then there are the open water swims. I am dying to add some impressive distances to my List of Accomplishments (that Dr. Joe wants nothing more than to burn) one day...
About a month after my short hospital stay, I relapsed back into my eating disorder by starting to restrict, then starve, then eventually purge again. Just as I was sliding down the same slippery slope and worrying my doctors a little (or a lot), I spent a weekend working an aid station at a 100-mile endurance run with my running group. While working at the mile 58.6 aid station, I connected with some of those most amazing athletes. I know most people looked these runners in the eye and thought "you have got to be absolutely out of your mind to want to run 100 miles."
Not me. Each and every time one of them came through our aid station (broken down, tired, delirious...but still strong and filled with determination) I thought to myself: "I know I have what it takes to do this one day."
And starting with that week, I turned things around in a big way and held it there for quite some time. That 100 mile race was a reminder about who I am, the community I am a part of, and what I may be capable of in the future.
My run this morning gave me that same sense of purpose and drive. I'm not sure why this run was different; perhaps it was the cool, crisp air, the autumn leaves falling around me, or the deer that stared at me as I ran by. For ten miles, I thought to myself: "this is exactly where I belong." While I don't always see it in myself (and certainly haven't recently) I know deep down inside that I have an enormous amount of drive, determination, and grit. I never stop, I never walk, and I do what I say I'm going to do.
I have it in me to run marathons, ultramarathons, and to swim at a competitive level. I have before, and I will do it again. When it comes to eating, coming to terms with adding a few extra pounds of muscle, and overcoming this horrible eating disorder experience, I need to apply the same whatever-it-takes mentality.
The ultrarunners I helped at the 100-miler were not afraid to eat whatever their bodies needed to keep going. They grabbed for the energy bars, GUs, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and pretzels we had out on the table without calculating calories or worrying about what it would do to their figure. They knew they needed the fuel to keep their bodies operating as machines, to complete the challenge. At the ultramarathon level, the science of fueling is just as important as an athlete's physical ability; one missed opportunity to give your body what it needs could mean the difference between a finish and a DNF.
In an email to me once, Dr. Joe wrote: "Both you and I will know when you are ready for the ultramarathon." I know inside that when Dr. Joe starts to prep me mentally for an ultramarathon, whenever that day may be, I have truly overcome my eating disorder.
I'm still very much in the darkness LA referred to recently, and trying to find my way to the light. I know could not run an ultramarathon right now- not because of a lack of physical endurance or strength, but because I would not be able to handle the fueling and nutrition required to complete the task at hand. Hopefully, however, I will get there. In the famous words of Dr. Joe: "THIS is your marathon right now."
Running is my passion. I live for the sense of accomplishment at the end of a long run, and love feeling at one with my surroundings. This morning's ten miler was exactly what I needed to begin to heal from my recent self-hatred, and it encouraged me to keep on chipping away at that mountain because some amazing experiences await on the other side. I'll be able to appreciate my upcoming 26.2, 50K, and possible 100-miler (there you have it...it's now in print and I can't escape it!) a hell of a lot more when I can look back on this time and remember how far I will have come.
I mean, seriously...if I can run a half marathon in under two hours, approach training for a full marathon with abnormal excitement, and will NOT allow myself to get through 2011 without completing a 50K, I can cetainly find the strength in me to eat...right? And I'll bet if I approach these major running milestones with the right attitude, even Dr. Joe will allow me to keep the medals as evidence of the struggles I will have overcome in order to achieve.
I haven't read through all your posts, but this title struck out at me. In many ways, I miss running, but at the same time, it could put me over the edge at times too. Like you, the fueling part was hard, and I am certain I underfueled.
ReplyDeleteI'm an amateur by standards and have only run a few marathons. It was actually deciding to run my first marathon that helped put me on the path towards recovering from the ED. With my second marathon, I came close to qualifying for Boston. so my goal is to qualify one day for that.
I'd also like to run at least one ultramarathon at some point in my life. I've heard the atmosphere is so different from a marathon.
Anyway, I hope you are able to kick ED and reach your running goals. Though our characteristics enable our EDs, they are also what enable recovery as well.
Tiptoe- My treatment team has been the foundation that has allowed me to keep running. Prior to getting help, competition was fueling my ED. The right people have helped me use it as motivation rather than self-destruction. My competitive drive is often what motivates me to eat and to stay "healthy" (a relative term this early on in treatment). I hope you can get back to running...there is something so freeing about it and the sense of accomplishment is something we all need to experience.
ReplyDeleteI have several friends who have completed ultras, and they all confirm that the atmosphere is different. Merely finishing the distance earns the runner a lot of respect within the community, and the focus is not necessarily on times or performance. It's the end goal that matters. For someone who can get caught up in the competition (sounds like both you and I!), that community seems like a good fit...once the fueling is mastered and ED fully in check ;)