Suddenly, everything edible sounds amazing and all I want to do is tackle all kinds of food with the biggest fork on the planet. Actually, screw the fork. I would use my hands if I had to.
Earlier today, I would have given my first born for a chocolate peanut butter milkshake. That craving morphed into cupcakes around lunchtime, Taco Bell's cheesy gordita crunch in the late afternoon, and Bob Evans' biscuits on the drive home from work. Somewhere along the line, thoughts of Heath bar blizzards, mashed potatoes, and Thanksgiving stuffing crept into my imagination and came on so strong I considered calling LA and having her meet me at her office for an emergency pig-out appointment (I would love to have seen her face had I actually proposed that).
All of these intense cravings can only mean one thing...my metabolism is starting to kick back into high gear and hunger cues are knocking at the door- and not lightly.
I sent a text to Mama K today that described my intense need for cupcakes, fat-laden trash from Taco Bell, and random breakfast biscuits.
She texted back: "Hey, that's what the rest of us feel like on a daily basis!"
I guess this means I'm coming back to life.
One would think I would have experienced cravings while restricting and starving, but that was never really the case. After a while, food starting to look so unappetizing it was easy to ignore. My body no longer wanted the nourishment, and my metabolism had slowed to a screeching halt. After repeated purging episodes, it became difficult to keep food down even without intentionally vomiting. My body had literally begun to reject food. Given how sick my body had become, the fact that I have now turned into a hunger-driven monster is a significant sign of progress and healing.
So you're thinking "Great! You've kicked anorexia's ass! Now go get yourself a biscuit and some processed nacho cheese sauce and indulge like the rest of us!"
Not so simple. My body may want the junk, but my mind simply cannot handle it. Within minutes of indulging, I know I would be crouched over a toilet throwing up each and every bit, tears rolling down my face and cursing myself for not having the discipline to just stay away. And then I would lace up my running shoes and go out for a punishing run, just to finish it off. And thus the cycle would start all over again.
This morning during our regular appointment, I got rave reviews for my food intake over the last several days. While LA is beside herself with joy (and I loved it because I get such a kick out of making her proud), we have a long way to go before I can comfortably digest a cupcake and think to myself "That was delicious. Moving on...". The truth is that, while the return of hunger cues is reason for a celebratory chocolate peanut butter shake or a run for the border, it's still going to be awhile before I can give in to the cravings and truly enjoy life's little pleasures.
For now, I'll be sticking to my list of 10 or so "safe" foods and trying to keep the urges at bay until I know I can indulge guilt-free. I suppose all good things in life are worth the wait, aren't they?
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