On Trusting Others

It's lunch time in the office...the time I sometimes dread because eating has become a psychologically labor-intensive process. Today I've committed to following LA's meal plan exactly, so I'm blogging as I eat to distract myself from what is going into my mouth. Dr. Joe's "Just Do It" is the theme for the day once again.

A blogger I follow daily (Carrie, ED Bites) shared an insightful post recently titled Doctors, Ignorance, and Eating Disorders. While not totally related, her article (in addition to my recent meetings with LA and Dr. K) got me thinking about a theme Dr. Joe and I regularly discuss at great length: Trust.

Trust in doctors. Trust in others. Trust in myself.

Throughout my life, I have generally been able to rely on my own judgment and intuition. Sure, it has led me to make poor choices from time to time (crashing someone else's car when I was too young to have a driver's license, dying my hair a ridiculously dark shade of burgundy, "sure, I...can...handle...one...more...shot..."), but for the most part, my intuition has led me down the right path.

Until now. When my life is like Alice in Wonderland and the looking glass is distorted.

Yesterday, LA asked me what Dr. K had said during my appointment (purely conversational, really, given that she will call Dr. K for the information anyhow):

LA: "So what did Dr. K have to say today? About life? About things in general?"

Me: "Nothing much. My bone scan came out ok but I'm still at a low BMI."

LA: "What do you think about that?"

Me: "That she only tells me that to make me stop doing what I'm doing."

LA (laughing, because she finds me amusing at times): "Wait a minute. So, you think your doctor is lying to you?"

I thought for a minute. Watched LA laughing. Cracked a smile. Then I started to crack up too. I understood why LA laughed at that comment. It was ridiculous to think that my doctor would lie to me. And yet so indicative of what it is like to have an eating disorder. You just can't see it. Like Alice in Wonderland.

The mind plays tricks on you: "You don't look that thin.",  "Your clothes aren't getting bigger (nevermind that you are a size zero)", "You felt great on that run because you didn't have anything weighing you down".

For me, trusting complete strangers has been the biggest battle.

I have to trust that LA's meal plan (which, really, is still very minimal at this stage in the game) will not turn me into a marshmallow puff overnight.

I have to trust that Dr. K is not lying to me about my current medical situation, even though I still swear at times that I still have wiggle room with my weight (I don't, apparently).

I have to trust that training less will make me a better athlete, and not a worse one.

I have to trust that what I see is not reality. My judgment is off. My intuition is unreliable. For the first time in my life. That has been the hardest battle to overcome. And still is.

When I left LA's office after the Dr-K-Is-A-Liar conversation (and other miscellaneous tear-filled moments), I thought to myself: "I'll bet she is on the phone with Dr. Joe right this second."

Sure enough...not even 5 minutes later, an email pops up on my Blackberry. From Dr. Joe: M. Just received a call from LA. I have a 9pm appointment tomorrow if you would like to come talk.

I write back: Thanks. See you then.

I don't trust many people, and I never really have. But I'm starting to trust the ones who have proven to me that they have my best interest at heart, truly care about me, and who are there for me to lean on when I need them the most.

And I feel blessed that I wasn't entirely able to relate to Carrie's blog post on ED Bites (though I love the post and think it is incredibly insightful) about ED-ignorant medical professionals. In fact, I couldn't ask for a better group surrounding me and I'm thankful I can rely on their intuition when mine is, shall we say, temporarily disabled.