Coming Back to Life

Right now, as I sit here in bed typing away on my laptop, The Mr. and our dog are passed out next to me and sleeping soundly. As for me, I'm full of energy and not at all ready for bed. The post-race nap I had earlier helped to renew me a bit, and now my body thinks it's mid-morning when it really should be shutting down for the night.

Today is the first day in a very long time that I feel as though I may be coming back to life a bit and moving to the other, more positive side of recovery. Why do I feel this way?

1. Last night, I actually carb-loaded for the race (a runner ritual I ceased to enjoy when I suddenly became afraid of food). This is why the recovery team hasn't taken away my training. We have one rule: I eat, I get to train and race. They all know my passion for competition is the carrot dangling out front, forcing me to fuel myself. And they are right...an anorexic is not going to shove huge plates of pasta in her mouth without a damn good reason to do so. However, I can honestly say I pigged out on a pre-race carb fest of whole wheat linguine, baguette, spinach salad, and pumpkin cookies without much mental preparation or guilt. I sort of just looked at the pasta, thought about the race ahead and wanting to run a fast time, and loaded up. Ability to carb-load = major progress in the right direction.

2. Being "Me" is taking a lot less effort. Many of my closest friends have been shocked to find out that I have been struggling as much as I have been, given that I tend to mask my weaknesses, struggles with food, and recent bout of depression quite well. I'll admit- keeping up the front that everything is just peachy was really draining, and I questioned more than once why I even tried so hard to do so. But tonight, among my running friends at a post-race party, I noticed I had comfortably slipped back into "Me" without forced effort...laughing, joking, engaging in conversation, living in the moment. Welcome back, Me.

So has my eating disorder vanished? No- I am not that naive. Will it ever go away completely? Probably not. I still sit here right now fighting the urge to purge what I ate at the post-race party (consuming some of the junk food I've been desperately craving seemed like a great idea at the time, given that I had run 13+ miles...not so much right now, though, with the eating disorder screaming in my head). But the two points mentioned above are signs that progress is being made and that there may just be some light at the end of this tunnel in the very near future. Just gotta keep on chippin' with LA's spoon...

And it wouldn't quite be a post-race blog post without telling you about the actual race, right?

Big Local Marathon was an enjoyable one filled with stories of accomplishment and celebration. I ran the first ten miles of the 13.1 with my friend B, and we had a great time making fun of the male runners with their butt cheeks hanging out of their too-short shorts, the relayers taking GU packets on their under-three-mile legs, and the hilarious signs created by the fans on the sidewalks (favorite: "Bloody nipples turn me on"...complete with hand-drawn illustration. Nice). At mile ten, B informed me he had to drop back off my pace, so I hooked up the iPod and took off to the finish line. I ran the exact same time I did in a half marathon three weeks ago (although this course was much more difficult), collected my medal, banana, and bagel and another 13.1 was in the bag.

I took on some extra mileage running in two friends who were completing the 26.2 full marathon and needed a fresh face to run alongside them during the painful last miles. Our running group is a pretty loyal one, and when I received the text that they had hit the wall and needed me to meet them, I didn't think twice about venturing back out onto the course. They both finished (one of them a 26.2 virgin...huge accomplishment!), and I know they will do the same for me one day when I need it too.

The Mr. did very well in his relay leg too. It was nice to have him be part of the race atmosphere, although he still thinks we're all nuts and wouldn't run the distances we do even if a cash offer was part of the deal.

Other friends finished with personal records in both the half and the full. One teammate earned his Marathon Maniac qualification, completing three 26.2's in three weeks. Another beat her half marathon time by two full minutes after coming off an ankle injury, and a Boston Marathon qualification is within reach for one friend (and this was her first full!).

In the words of Dr. Joe (referring to coming back from anorexia): "This is your marathon right now, M."

All in all, it was a hugely successful marathon day...in both the actual race and in my own personal "marathon."