Earning the Jacket

This weekend, the running community around here will all be at Big Local Marathon. I am, of course, registered for my favorite distance, the half marathon. I love 13.1. It's perfect. The Mr. (who is a self-proclaimed non-runner) is tackling the 3.5 mile leg of the 26.2 relay. Without training one bit, he is approaching the race with a nonchalant attitude I don't think I've experienced once in my life.

We could not be more different when it comes to competitiveness.

LA and Dr. Joe are both registered for the race, too. LA in the half, Dr. Joe in the full 26.2. Which brings me to today's blog post topic...Earning the Jacket.

I went into my Dr. Joe appointment today pissed off at the guy. During last week's appointment, I was falling apart in his office, depressed as hell and (probably) was being a 28-year-old brat. I didn't really want to talk, and I was in serious emotional pain. I just wanted to curl up in bed for days and, well, starve. When Dr. Joe realized he was getting nowhere with me, he got Dr. K on the phone (seriously, it can be such a twisted parental relationship with them at times). While on hold with Dr. K's office, he looked at me and said "You are so depressed that I just can't reach you right now."

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt instantly abandoned. Abandonment is a huge issue for me, and I typically deal with it by writing off the person I feel has turned their back on me so it doesn't hurt as much to not have them around. Sadly, it's something I've gotten good at throughout my life- building that wall when I need to protect myself. And so I built a wall to block out Dr. Joe. I relied on LA instead this past week, and dreaded meeting with Dr. Joe today because I felt I no longer trusted him and that the strong patient-psychologist relationship we have worked hard to build was trashed.

I won't bore you with the details, but Dr. Joe and I worked it out and I'm back on board with trusting him. Which means I am back to harassing him.

Today's topic of harassment: Dr. Joe Not Earning the Jacket.

Dr. Joe ran 100+ miles last weekend in a 24-hour endurance run, and therefore is going to wimp out on the Big Local Marathon this weekend (as if he has an excuse). However, Dr. Joe tells me he is planning on stopping by the Race Expo tomorrow night to pick up his 26.2 jacket (a coveted artifact from this particular race).

You have to earn the right to wear this stuff. For example, I ran a half marathon several weeks ago and received the hoodie during packet pickup a few days earlier. When I went to wear it, my running friend B said to me: "Don't you dare. That goes in your closet until you actually have actually competed in the race."

(There is one t-shirt I do wear from a 100-miler during which I volunteered. But it says "VOLUNTEER" across the back...it is very evident I did not actually endure the pain of the 100 miles myself, rather, was refilling water bottles and making peanut butter sandwiches at the aid station- not the same thing).

So I automatically respond to Dr. Joe: "You can't wear a jacket from a race you're not going to run."

Dr. Joe, smiling, amused at the directness he has come to know from me: "Well, I will be doing just that." I rolled my eyes and thought to myself...cheater.

Later this evening I received an email from Dr. Joe. It reads exactly: "M- If I paid for the jacket, I don't mind wearing it. And I'm not so easily rattled.... :) -Dr. Joe"

I secretly love that I made him so paranoid about the jacket that he felt the need to follow up in an email hours latter. Ha! And I'm also glad Dr. Joe and I are back to our regular bantering and that I am still able to trust him. I need to have that trust in order to recover. It's crucial.

The Jacket Earning discussion did, however, make me think about my abnormal work ethic, perfectionism, and high standards- all of which are topics regularly discussed in my therapy and eating disorder recovery. When LA questions why I skipped a meal or purged, a standard response from me is: "I didn't deserve to eat that much today. I only worked out for x number of hours or I only ran x number of miles."

I feel like I need to earn everything in my life. Including the right to feed my body. Where does that come from?

The work hard, play later approach has worked well for me. It's brought me success in work, athletics, and in life in general. But it is also what keeps me from taking care of myself and eating like a normal human being.

Does Dr. Joe really need to earn the right to wear the Big Local Marathon jacket? He is, after all, an accomplished marathon runner and ultrarunner. He has done plenty of 26.2s in the past. So has he, in a sense, already earned it?

Do I really need to "earn" the right to eat? I've shown in my life that I am a hard worker, that I strive to be the best I can be, and my accomplishments can speak for themselves. Haven't I, in a sense, already earned the right to take care of myself and be happy?

I'm going to try hard to catch myself before telling LA I didn't earn the right to eat...and to remember that even Dr. Joe- someone I look up to and respect as a professional and a runner- is walking around town wearing a jacket he didn't necessarily "earn." ;)