Sadly, for every person who triumphs over an eating disorder, there are many more who will relapse. It's a very tough cycle to break, and just as with any addiction, the behaviors associated with the ED will find their way to the surface during times of stress or insecurity. It's up to the patient to determine what is going to throw her back into relapse and then lean to fight like hell when the eating disorder voice starts to creep in again.
When it comes to eating disorder recovery, the progress is not always measured by how many pounds someone has gained, how many calories the patient is consuming, and whether or not the person is purging or overexercising. Sometimes simply being able to recognize a pattern is an accomplishment in and of itself.
LA and I have uncovered one of those patterns: my struggle to overcome the stage in refeeding when my metabolism kicks in and my body wants more food. Since I'm in the thick of it right now, I know I need to be on the lookout for the potential relapse that is lurking around the corner, waiting to attack.
The hunger pains and cravings I'm feeling right now are not entirely new to me; this is the third time I have reached this point in refeeding. My metabolism is re-energized, my body is screaming for more fuel, and my brain is a running soundtrack repeating "food. food. food. food. fooooood."
I've been at this stage twice now, but have yet to come out on the other side:
Metabolism Wake-Up Stage Failure #1:
When I first met LA, we started to build my meal plan slowly, and I responded remarkably well. I (naively...such a refeeding novice at that point...ha!) thought I had kicked my eating disorder's ass in record time, and spent a few days satisfying my newfound hunger with all kinds of foods from my self-imposed "Not Acceptable" list. After convincing LA I was ready for challenges, I nonchalantly ate a buffalo chicken wrap in our campus dining area (once a beloved and regular lunch before I started restricting). I then had a celebratory dinner out with The Mr. after he received a big raise at work. I ordered some kind of pasta dish and had a random, emotional, only-in-ED-recovery-world moment when my former hospital dietitian saw me from across the restaurant (chowing on pasta like a normal human being) and gushed about my progress.
That same weekend, I actually ate a cupcake too. I remember texting Mama K about it, as a matter of fact...it's practically reason for a champagne toast when a recovering anorexic downs a sugar-crusted cupcake.
Days later, when the guilt set in and I was convinced those indulgences had left me out of shape (despite having exercised intensely for well over 10 hours that week), given me a giant muffin top (while still swimming in the smallest size jeans on the market), and added 10 pounds to my frame (all in my imagination), I went right back to eating like a rabbit and throwing it all back up.
Back to starting the process all over again. And then...
Metabolism Wake-Up Stage Failure #2:
Nashville. In the middle of Epic Hunger and Craving Stage #2, no control over food due to travel, and with my best friends (where eating is literally a hobby).
We check into the Double Tree Nashville and are presented with their famous and free fresh, warm, gooey Double Tree cookies. While I want to shove the whole thing in my mouth immediately and ask for three more, I stuff it in my purse and try to eat it a bit at a time as we walk around downtown. We head out to lunch, and I sneak a few of L's sweet potato fries because they look amazing, and I'm, well, famished. The next night, I convince myself I'm at peace with my eating disorder (foolishly thinking I can ignore the guilt and automatic response that comes after indulging) and chow on a nacho appetizer at the Hard Rock. Starbucks too. And another cookie at the hotel. What the hell.
Not to mention the lack of discipline and calorie-counting when downing the wine, shots, and beer.
A few days later, I'm in tears in LA's office: "I failed again. Purged all weekend and now not eating anymore."
Back to square one...
Which brings me to the present: Metabolism Wake-Up Stage #3 (Trying to Avoid Failure):
As a result of a great phone conversation with LA yesterday afternoon, I now understand why this stage has been such a roadblock for me:
1. I jump ahead. The achiever in me likes to accomplish one goal, set the next one higher, and immediately begin working towards it. This has caused me to go from just plain eating again to eating "challenge" foods way too soon (Me: Well, I'm eating three small meals again...I'll bet I'm strong enough to down a large pizza!")
2. I genuinely like food. Surprising, I know. But in my pre-anorexia life, used to love to indulge in pretty much anything in moderation. So while my intense willpower helps me ward off most cravings, when a particular urge comes on really, really strong, I sometimes give in without preparing myself to overcome the psychological torture that will follow.
3. A reliance on purging. It's sad, but true. I went down the purging route before I went down the starvation route. It has never really bothered me to throw up after eating something I can't handle (um, that would be why I'm in treatment for an eating disorder...). If I indulge, I don't yet have the coping skills to just let it be. This starts the cycle of purging, restricting, and starving all over again. And we end up back at the starting point.
#3, in my opinion, is the one I need to tackle with Dr. Joe in a big way this week. This time, it has GOT to be different. This time, we will get over this roadblock and I'll finally get to see what is on the other side. Stay tuned...
Every goal has roadblocks. Learning happens when the following questions are asked: What are your goals? What have been your roadblocks? And do you understand what is standing in your way?
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