I took a pre-planned vacation day today to recover from the weekend in what my friends and I affectionately call Nash Vegas. Three days of catching up (and drinking), and shopping (and drinking) and cracking up (and drinking) requires a bit of a recuperation.
(I would like to point out that I rarely drink anymore, thankyouverymuch. But everyone is entitled to a crazy weekend every now and then. Since I work with college students, I consider it to be essential research pertinent to my career).
The time away was such a breath of fresh air for me, especially considering the majority of my social interactions as of late have been related to my therapy. Or with college students. Or with the people sweating their asses off in the cycling classes I teach. Traveling with this group is not a new thing; we met in graduate school and have been a little family to each other ever since. I especially lean on this group because they are the type of friends who really only come around once in a lifetime: fiercely loyal, supportive, drama-free girlfriends.
Oddly enough, I had not opened up to this group about my eating disorder struggles until this trip. Even through the worst of it (that lovely vacation in the hospital and such), I didn't let this group in on what was going on. I'm not sure why...but my guess is that it had something to do with the fact that we 1.) don't all live in the same area anymore, and 2.) sometimes you don't want those you truly love to see you at your worst. The skin-and-bones-IV-in-the-arm-choking-down-Ensure stage would have frightened them a bit, I think.
Although I can tell you that I am glad I tore down the wall this weekend and let them inside a little.
In preparation for this trip, I experienced a little (ok...that's a lie...a LOT) of anxiety about how to work around my limited food options, my temptation to still purge after "overeating" (again, relative term), and the overall neuroticism that comes along with having an Eating Disordered Mind. I mean, really, the Skinny Girl can only order grilled chicken and lettuce so many times before her friends really start to wonder if something is up (and, well, in this case that "wondering" would be spot on). Plus, I really felt a strong need to have this particular group of my closest friends in my circle of support. They are, after all, like family.
I honestly don't remember how the news was broke (there were J's jello shots involved, I do know that much). We were all in the hotel room getting ready. I remember K saying she had been wondering if something was going on, since I had casually mentioned seeing a dietitian before while in my Denial Stage and had rapidly dropped to the size of a preteen.
The conversation lasted no more than about 5 minutes. I explained refeeding a bit. The fact that lots of foods freak me out and that my List of Acceptable Foods has, oh, about 5 foods on it. Explained I don't yet have the mental strength to over-indulge in ice cream, giant Starbucks treats, or queso dip (a staple in our grad school experience) and actually keep it in my body just yet. That was that. That's the kind of girls we are...just as long as we know what the others are going through, we can be there for the long haul. No need to dwell. No need to discuss at length. Just unconditional friendship and looking out for one another.
So the weekend was amazing. A much needed break from life. I'll spare you the inside jokes, drunken humor, and random experiences we'll laugh about for years (but I know you are dying to know what five over-educated, otherwise professional young women do while anonymous in a new city...).
Like so many aspects of my life right now (and probably in the future too), my approach to food was not even close to perfect this weekend. I had a lot of internal battles about the choices I made regarding meals and alcohol. I will be honest- I lost most of those battles. There was a lot of undereating and time spent in bathrooms. But this morning brought appointments with both LA and Dr. K...and together we will make sense of it all and try to fix it.
LA told me this morning my large social network and circle of friends is what will save me from this. I am not one to isolate for too long or forego trips and experiences because of what I am going through. The challenge, however, will be in preparing for those experiences to make sure the way I handle them gets increasingly more positive with time.
So for now, I sit here on my deck...blogging in the sunshine, paying bills, messing with my new iPod, and listening to my 15-lb dog terrorize the neighborhood with his obnoxious barking. I'm eating my prescribed lunch and I need to call LA afterwards and report to her that I ate. Back to fixing this. Back to the routine.
It's certainly not a long weekend with the girls in a new city...but it's an essential part of my life right now.
Thank you to the alphabet soup of my best friends...J, K, L, K (missing C on this trip, but love her just the same...she received lots of loud and inaudible voicemails from the five of us) for providing me with a much-needed break from Life. It energized me, renewed me with strength, and made me tired as hell (but the good kind). I love you dearly and I truly believe we will still be experiencing these random roadtrips when our boobs are saggy, we can no longer take down shots, and all sport Mom jeans with nine-inch zippers.
But we'll still think we're damn hot and a hell of a good time.
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