The New Social Eating Theory According to Me

Having experienced a few ED setbacks in recent weeks, I find myself reassessing what works and what does not when it comes to pulling me out of lapses. It's been Dr. Joe's goal all along to gradually decrease not only the number of anorexia relapses I experience, but also the amount of time I spend lying there at rock bottom when I'm gripped by them.

One of the best things I have done for myself in recovery was permanently tattooing XXVI.II (26.2, for those of you who are Roman numeral illiterate) on my body. Sounds like a trite "lifesaver", and I even received a comment from someone that alluded to the fact that the inking "lacks meaning" (Ha! If they only knew...). However, it has become a constant reminder that I am tough as nails, can overcome just about anything, and have a reason to stay strong and healthy.

Aside from the permanent reminder on my body, I've also drawn strength and empowerment from the realization that my fear of food diminishes when I am within the comfort and company of others. This may come as a major shock to those of you who have read this blog since the beginning...What? But she used to HATE eating with other people!".

And you would be correct. I used to burst into tears at the mere suggestion of eating amongst people, at restaurants, or at family gatherings. I used to have to "work it through" and "come up with a plan of attack" with people like LA and Dr. Joe to get me through those moments; social situations were never as easy as "show up, talk, eat" like they are for normal people.

But we all eventually change and grow, do we not?

The turning points in this latest dip, actually, happened as a result of some social situations. I started to realize, within the last couple of days, that chowing down with friends is now a great way to shift the focus away from food. Not to mention, the sound generated through conversation with dining companions (if you will) drowns out the ED voice in my head that is screaming "DO NOT EAT" at the top of it's lungs.

Recent Situations That Back This Non-Scientific Theory:

#1: Last Friday Evening
The Location: An Undisclosed Sports Bar Serving Food I Do Not Eat Without Panic
The Group: Grad School BFFs

The Situation: Some moderate panic over eating pizza (usually not a problem unless I'm in a bit of a relapse). Semi-anxious texts sent to JN, LA, Mama K, to which they all responded with some variation of "eat slowly and focus on the people". So I did. And managed to scarf three slices of pizza, a salad, and a glass of wine. Left filled with food and love for my long-time friends...aaaaawww (Cheesy, I know! But true and ED counselors and dietitians eat shit like that up).

#2: Last Saturday Evening
The Location: A Backwoods-y Winery in the Boondocks
The Group: Neighbor BFF and Our Mutual Friends

The Situation: Among friends and taking cues from their food choices, I marched up to the bar and ordered spinach artichoke dip for me and The Mr. (whose jaw pretty much hit the floor, as he usually has to persuade me to eat such a thing). I ate it. In between fits of drunken laughter at the "girls' end" of the table, noshed on some cheese and crackers. More wine. Four glasses in, had dinner: potato soup and a turkey panini. Wine consumption continued. Laughter continued. Mild panic the next morning, but no purging and an 8-mile trail run with more friends helped me forget about the "Major Binge!" (which I know was not really one at all). Case closed.

#3: Monday Evening
The Location: My Dining Room Table
The Group: Me, The Mr., The Dog

The Situation: The Mr. stayed home from bowling league, warding off a minor cold (this is where we differ and know it...I run marathons with fractured bones, he bails on bowling league for a runny nose). I therefore stayed home from the gym (where I typically reside on Monday nights) and cooked us a meal from scratch. I set the table, poured wine, and spent some quality time over the stove making whole wheat penne with roasted vegetables and tomato pesto, Greek salad, warm bread. We chatted as I ate an actual meal. I watched as The Mr. ate a "guy-sized" portion of food and felt okay about what I had consumed by comparison. Cleaned up the kitchen, went to watch television, and forgot all about the food I ate. Allowed it to digest like a normal, non-anorexic person and got a virtual (emailed) pat on the back from JN in the morning for my efforts. Did not even work out that day and still was able to let it go. Yay me.

#4: Tuesday's Lunch
The Location: A Restaurant Near the Campus Where I Work
The Group: New Friend-Turned-Coworker

The Situation: I served on a search committee last semester during which we decided to hire E. The second we met at her interview we became friends, and I have been looking forward to having her on campus ever since I saw the announcement that she had accepted the position. We headed out to lunch on her second day (the first of many lunches, I'm sure, as we are already borderling codependent). We didn't shut up for the entire hour, and in between sentences I gnawed on a normal yet healthy lunch...even including sweet potato fries (Eat your heart out, LA! She got so excited the first time I had fries in recovery). Another socially distracted meal that produced anti-ED actions. Hoo-rah.

As JN says: You already have your own answers when you are battling an eating disorder; you just have to figure them out". Her statement (and combined with the fact that my mind is already overactive and analytical to a fault) propels me to pick apart these scenarios and tried to find the meaning, the "big picture", the lesson.

So what is going on here? Why has "social eating" begun to save my ass from ED hysteria as of late?

Here's what the overactive, analytical mind has come up with...

• I pick up cues from others when eating around them. How much to eat. What to eat. How quickly/slowly to eat. Rather, when by myself, I overthink, overanalyze, get frustrated, throw in the towel.
• I am a social person. So I talk a lot. I can either be focusing on conversation or the fact that I am eating- not both. Because of my personality, I choose to focus on people. So food becomes what it should: something to chew on and nourish me.
• Alcohol helps me eat. Not the best therapy approach and Dr. Joe kind of hates my non-ED addictions. But whatever. For now, it works.
• When I leave a gathering of friends, people I love, people I trust...I feel fulfilled. I am not lonely. I am not abandoned. Therefore, self-destruction has no place (cue the harp and choir music...it's all good).

So there ya have it. Another breakthrough. Another moment of insight and growth.

Man, I am just oozing with recovery and self-exploration lately. I guess this is how people finally break free of this cycle for good.

Huh.