Why I Can't Just "Start Eating" Sometimes

Just when I think I have the ins and outs of my eating disorder all figured out, another puzzle piece drops down from out of nowhere. And then I'm forced to figure out the following:

• How the hell am I supposed to make room for the new puzzle piece now that it's here?
• How did I put the puzzle together without realizing this piece was missing in the first place?

And then I kind of wonder why I've been given a puzzle to put together at all. But there is never an answer to that question...I just have to grab the pieces that are given to me and figure out what to do with them.

Today, while staring at some food and contemplating my own issues with it, I started to wonder why it is always so difficult to begin to eat again once a pattern of starvation sets in. Sure, there is the physiological explanation that the body simply "adjusts" to the lack of food and begins to find other avenues for energy. But as with all aspects of disordered eating, there is more to the story than just the scientific reasoning; in fact, that's the easy piece. The psychological piece of the puzzle is liket the odd-shaped interior piece that requires some extra effort to place.

For me, it all boils down to control and the significance it plays in my life. Mama K (who now considers herself more of a "Big Sis" than a mother, thus allowing for more fun and irresponsibility in our somewhat complex friendship) often says "well, just start eating again" when I fall into patterns of meal-skipping and starvation. So it is her simplistic advice that got me wondering: why is that first step towards getting back on track so difficult?

And another puzzle piece then fell from the sky.

When I slip back into relapse, it is generally not intentional or even weight-driven. It starts with stress, a busy schedule, and a few skipped meals or morning/afternoon snacks. The hunger sets in, and it's a familiar, "cozy" place...because I have established a pattern of using starvation and/or other self-destruction as a coping mechanism during turbulent times in the past. Once ED is in your past, it takes serious work to stay on the straight and narrow. So letting it slide a little becomes comforting, taking added stress off an already full plate.

By the time I catch myself slipping back into extended starvation, I usually have already started to lose weight. Thanks to distortion, the weight loss begins to feel "right". So the pattern continues a little longer...then a little longer...and then before I know it, I am no longer M but Anorexic Girl yet again.

Then, I am forced (by either myself, a friend, or a medical professional) to take that first step back towards the meal plan. And I fall to pieces when presented with a perfectly acceptable "safe" meal straight off The Original LA Meal Plan. What is up with that? I know the food is "acceptable". I know I'm in such a caloric deficit by that point that a small meal isn't going to put a dent in weight gain. So what is it?

Imagine starving for over a week. I know it's not normal and most people have never and will never come close to that sensation. But try to imagine it. And then imagine being faced with food. What would be your biggest fear?

That you won't be able to stop once you start eating...because your body is in desperate need of FOOD.

The reason it's so hard to break the pattern of starvation is the fear associated with overeating...aka "losing control"...aka being "gluttonous" and "undisciplined". As if one cracker, or even 10 crackers, might lead to devouring the whole box.

Which it probably would.

Because the body is starving.

And then I'd hate myself for not having any sense of self-control.

So the anorexic continues to starve. It's just easier to starve than to try and stop when the body is screaming "more food, more food, MORE FOOD!"

Part of Dr. K's motivation for my brief yet critical summer hospital stay was to "break me out of the eating disorder cycle". At the time, I thought I knew what she meant, although I clearly did not. Her rationale now makes sense: taking that first step is by far the hardest, but crucial to breaking the cycle. And it's almost necessary for it to be supervised or coached...because otherwise, the body takes control over the mind and all of the physical hunger, emotions, control, malnourishment...they all collide at that moment and make it nearly impossible to think clearly.