Next Up: Tackling Body Dysmorphia

Body Dysmorphia: Failing to see your body as it truly is. Painful body image. Distortion.

One of the benefits of becoming my former dietitian's favorite-client-turned-friend is my newfound access to one of her former colleagues, JN. Welcome to the team, JN. Unfortunately for JN, I cannot afford to dish out sign-on bonuses. Although LA, Dr. K., and Dr. Joe may come knocking if the new chick collected one while I was essentially dropped in their laps with a host of serious issues in tow.

JN can best be described as a dietitian with a twist. As a wellness coach, she blends nutritional guidance, yoga, and body image counseling to help girls like me who, well, have no idea what they look like and really need to cut the "I hate my body" crap in order to fully recover from disordered eating.

JN and LA know each other from their work at an outpatient eating disorder clinic about 30 minutes north of here. Dr. K also knows JN and perked up a little when I reported that I would be working with her on some body image issues, as she is probably waiting for the day she no longer has to waste energy trying to conceal my weight during office visits.

Tonight's meeting with JN was actually the second. About two weeks ago, LA drove me to my first appointment with JN (which, for them, was like a little reunion), and the three of us discussed my treatment thus far, my lingering food issues, and why I can't just love my freakin' body already. Unlike the first time I met with LA, I actually opened up to JN with ease, probably because:

1. I am eating and no longer brain-starved, so therefore was coherent (unlike my first meeting with LA back in the day).

2. LA was there. I have major trust issues (duh...we know this), but knowing LA trusted New Girl helped me actually form meaningful sentences. I am convinced I would have sat with my arms crossed had LA not been there to telepathically coax me along.

3. I genuinely want the help. I know the body dysmorphia- while the hardest to overcome- is the like the eating disorder's obnoxious twin. Not seeing my body clearly and not wanting to eat are a package deal; one leads to the other and vice verse.

Tonight, I flew solo to JN's office and talked to her myself like the mature, 28-year old that I (sometimes) claim to be. Given the injury issues, I have been slapped in the face with the eating disorder yet again, and while trying to resist, have skimped a little on the food this week. When I realized I may have to back off from running, I instinctively snipped away at my daily food intake to "compensate" (normal people can do this, I cannot). Out went the second waffle I normally eat every morning, the cheese that goes with my morning apple, the hummus that accompanies my raw vegetables. I was gently reminded by JN that I need to stick to the plan.

Tomorrow, I'll eat two waffles again, re-introduce hummus to my veggies (I'm sure they missed one another) and chomp on some cheese. I get it. I remembered why I have to do that. My bad.

In addition to the food piece (which is never ending, really), part of my work with JN includes some yoga principles and body awareness. Think: the "my body is a temple" kind of stuff my "I love pain and cardio and competition!" mind generally doesn't handle well.

But I need it. I know this.

At least every other day I have a mini-meltdown related to what I see in the mirror or how I "feel" inside my body. I tend to always feel sloppy, lazy, "soft", pudgy...you name it. It's very black and white. For example, yesterday I wore a pair of my "sick" pants (worn while at my lowest weight) to work. They still fit, but are a little more snug than I would typically wear my pants.

The pants are a size zero Tall. They are from a store that does vanity sizing...but still, a zero nontheless (those things used to matter to me). However, because they were snug, I immediately thought to myself: "well, here we are...you knew this day was coming sooner or later. You are now a size 14 and can no longer fit into anything. Congrats. You suck."

If I had truly become a size 14 overnight...could I really have even fit into the zeros? Um...NO. Hel-lo distortion.

Likewise, JN caught a glimpse of this distortion last evening while in her yoga room. When asked to "place my feet hip's width apart", I instinctively spread 'em quite widely.

JN giggled. "Well, if that isn't an indicator body dysmorphia, I don't know what is! Um...your hips are not that wide."

I looked at my feet, set at least twelve inches to the outside of either hip. I laughed. I really thought that's where my hips were; a clear indication that I am not exactly experiencing my body as it truly is.

JN is going to attempt to help me just "be"...something I really never "am" (if that makes any sense at all). Now that I have restored some weight, learned to eat again, and have stopped trashing my body, it's now time for Step Two: minimizing the anxiety over trying to fix my body, trying to find peace with my natural weight "set point", and learning to be an intuitive eater.

And I should probably work to locate my hips, come to terms with that fact that I don't go from zero to 14 2.5 seconds after eating a piece of candy, and to see what I really look like with all the distortion stripped away.

And so I've turned down another street on this journey and added another eating disorder professional to my growing collection. But I like these people, and I eventually want to shed all of this crap...so I'm going to let them all stay just a little longer ;)