Fat Is Not a Feeling, People

Except when you battle an eating disorder. Then, fat is as real an emotion as the rage you possess when someone (usually a medical professional or counselor who has graduated from the School of Eating Disorder Therapy) tells you it is not.

I know- really do know- that fat is not a feeling. While we ("we" being pretty much everyone regardless of size or level of distortion) have each pinched a side, stared in the mirror, or put on an outfit and either thought or said to ourselves: "ugh I feel so fat!".

How do you feel in that new dress? -Fat
How was that meal? -Great, but I feel so fat!
I don't want to go to the beach. I feel so fat today.
Get your hands off me. I feel so fat right now.
We're not going out tonight. I feel fat in these jeans.

We FEEL fat at times. But anyone who has ever worked through an eating disorder knows..."fat" is indicative of something else, another emotion. In recovery from anorexia, we're taught (as much we hate it) to crack the code behind the word "fat". Fat often = Depressed. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Unloved. Insecure. Inadequate. Anxious.

JN says the statement "It is weighing heavy on me" is not just a cliche reference people toss around. We actually feel weight on us when we are experiencing some kind of strong emotion or reaction to life's challenges and struggles.

Yet, even when this thought process becomes automatic...I hate it. And fight it.

Yesterday, during a highly anxious moment over eating pasta at lunch (the kind of madness only a fellow ED person or professional trained in this area could truly understand), JN texted me something perfectly inspirational, prodding me to explore the emotions attached to once again feeling "fat".

I responded:

J- Thanks. Nothing makes me want to punch a dietitian more than a "fat is not a feeling"reference.

How an ED moment can turn me from a perfectly professional, mature twenty-something to a temper-tantrum-throwing, moody, bratty pre-teen is beyond me. Somehow, though, the stars aligned perfectly when I was handed over to my treatment team, and they simply absorb these blatantly honest (er, bitchy) reactions from me like the tolerant, amusing sponges I have grown to love.

JN: Love it! I know it's annoying but so true.

Just because I was feeling fiesty and embracing my bratty moment, I pushed a little further when I sent JN:

Ok, so if fat is not a feeling...can I just say I AM fat?

JN: Sure. If you want to feel awesome and avoid real issues :)

I had to laugh. And then I snapped out of my bratty preteen-ness and re-entered my daily crusade to fight ED-inspired thoughts of fatness.

I have no idea how these people continue to put up with me. But they do. And it reminds me why they are the team for me.

Fat is not a feeling. Word.

In other news, Dr. Joe is off running a marathon in Europe, which has left me high and dry without a therapist for two and a half weeks. While I'm annoyed (not that he is not here, but that I myself kind of want an international marathon medal to add to my collection), this is providing me with an excellent opportunity to grab recovery by the balls and attempt to conquer the crap without his guidance and motivation. Eventually (while I will miss Dr. Joe immensely when the time comes), I will need to be a fully-functioning, independent, "formerly eating disordered and messed up" person. So this is a trial run. Time to see if the work has paid off at all.

While I've struggled a little without him around to field my crazy emails or talk through some completely distorted fear of fatness, I can tell that working through the garbage in my life has paid off immensely. Getting rid of the crap (the emotional baggage, the resentment against my mother for being such an unrealiable individual in my life, cleansing my life of negativity, and the list goes on) has freed up the space necessary to allow in those whom I trust, to give freely of myself, and to walk away from the things that do not contribute positively to my life.

No wonder I felt "fat" before, and sometimes still do. Holding onto all that emotion has and continues to weigh me down a bit.

Ever notice how you feel lightest on your "happy" days? I have too. Even though the idea of it still makes me want to punch the nearest dietitian...I think they might be on to something.