A few months before I began this blog, I had gone to Target to purchase this notebook to organize all of my treatment materials. After leaving the hospital a few days prior, I had suddenly decided it was time to get serious about overcoming the destructive issues with weight and food that had starting to gnaw away at my life and livelihood. I had been meeting with LA, Dr. Joe, and Dr. K before buying the notebook, but that day marked the moment I decided to tackle getting better the same way I had tackled many issues before: by trying to organize it, make sense of it all, and take control.
LA just told me recently that the Eating Disorder Notebook (as we now call in it my house...as in "where is the Eating Disorder Notebook?"), coupled with the way I often dress to go to work, gave me a very "serious" look when I came to her office visits. I suppose that observation, at the time, was accurate. Even while struggling, I often approached getting better as though it were a job. If there is one thing I know how to do well it is work; making something my "job" is a tried and true way for me to ensure that I will, in fact, reach my goal in the end.
While tackling some of these medical bills this evening, I couldn't help but leaf through the notebook's pages a bit and take a look at how far I've come. On the pages, I had poured out my food intake, any assignments Dr. Joe had given, and lists of questions for rounds of doctor's appointments.
My first food entry in the notebook reads:
Wednesday, July 21 2010
Breakfast- 1 can of Ensure, 1/2 banana
Lunch- berries, pretzels
4:00- a few almonds
7:00- taught 60 minute cycling class, ran 4.5 miles, upper body lifting, core exercises (totaling over two hours of intense physical activity)
Dinner- multigrain bagel (plain)
I literally cannot remember eating this way. While I'm sure I was supposed to be following the plan LA originally gave me, that did not even come close...yet was probably excrutiating for me. I'm certain I felt, on that day, as though I had seriously binged.
Two entries later:
Saturday, July 24 2010- relapse
According to the entry, I had eaten "a few bites of steak, green beans, a few bites of baked potato" (due to limited options while on a whitewater rafting excursion). I had purged. Three hours later, I "binged" on a few tortilla chips and purged again. I had run 5 miles earlier that day.
Reading that, I almost cried. What an awful, awful place I was in. And I don't remember a thing.
Other Artifacts Found in The Eating Disorder Notebook:
- A magazine photograph of Dara Torres (Olympic swimmer), her ripped body serving as motivation for me to eat and develop muscle again.
- An article from Dr. Joe titled "Exercise Bulimia Difficult to Detect". I remember reading that and thinking he was overreacting a bit. I now realize even the sick girl featured in the article was eating more than I was at the time.
- The scary post-it note Dr. Joe gave me that reads: BLOOD HOSPITAL SCOPE FRACTURE PAIN to remind me how imperative it was that I eat and quit purging.
- Another post-it note from Dr. Joe that reads: "You don't have to be perfect to be good."
- The original nutrition plan LA gave me that directed me to eat practically the bare minimum to stay alive, yet pissed me off so much at the time that I wanted to quit working with her.
- 26 receipts from office visits with LA (at $30 a visit, mind you...do the math)
- 38 receipts from office visits with Dr. Joe (another $30 each time)
- 7 receipts from office visits with Dr. K (yep, you guess it...$30 copay again...she's a specialist)
- 3 receipts from office visits with GI Guy (another specialist...you get the picture)
- Medical bills from the local hospitals totaling over $1,500 (and I have excellent insurance)
- A page in my own handwriting titled "Why Am I So Angry?" and a list of 11 things I apparently hated about my life on September 9, 2010.
- A food entry from July 27 that ends with: "I have decided to trust LA again and get back on the plan"...after a week of purging nearly every day. I have no idea why I jumped off "the plan" at that point in time.
September 1, 2010
Things to tell LA:
- I hate feeling full and I have to purge when I do. I can't help it. Sorry.
- The meal plan seems like way too much right now, we need to back off
Things to tell Dr. Joe:
- I do not work out hard enough to earn the right to eat.
- Eating is a very time consuming process and I just don't have the energy to fight through it.
- Eating makes me feel weak emotionally. Giving into food is a failure.
Again...wow.
Just wow.
Tonight I ate cookies at the gym without guilt. Yesterday I fueled perfectly for a 15-mile run: post-run breakfast, three gels, recovery drink, sports drinks thereafter, big meals...Friday night I enjoyed some cupcakes with LA and her daughters while relaxing at her house (a sense of family I love now that I am no longer her client). That is where I am right now.
Who was that person?
All that energy poured into obsessing over food. Dr. Joe's scary post-it notes. Entry after entry dotted with hand-drawn stars (what I used to indicate food I had purged so LA could attempt to break down my patterns). All those receipts...and many more that I probably neglected to keep.
So that's what it took for me to wake up.
Unbelievable.
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