As a runner, I love to collect medals. They are more than just objects to me; they each have a story or an experience attached to them. For example, I look at the one from a half marathon I ran in late October and remember how cathartic the experience was, running without focus on time and reflecting on turning a corner in the recovery process. I will always associate that medal with my mindset at the time, as though it is somehow cast into the metal and ribbon themselves.
Likewise, a lifetime of memories of my grandmother are wrapped up in a single gold heart-shaped locket, containing two miniscule photographs (one of her on her wedding day, and one of me dressed as a pint-sized princess at Halloween). I wear the locket often and treat it as another piece of jewelry on most days- throwing it in my gym bag after work, untangling the clasp from my hair, sprsying cologne all over it. But when I really think about what it means (the only material thing I now own from her), the locket becomes much more than just a pretty necklace; rather it has somehow captured and now holds eighteen years' worth of stories.
Next to my running medals and a beloved momento from someone who played a major role in my life, using a cupcake to define a moment seems rather insignificant. Trivial, even. You may even think, as an outsider looking in, that to associate such a small thing with such a defining moment is melodramatic.
After LA brought me a cupcake on Monday morning (which, yes, I inhaled without hesitation), I started seeing cupcakes everywhere. Cupcake-themed stationary, new cupcake bakeries, cupcake Christmas ornaments, cupcake jewelry, Cupcake brand wines...it was almost as though I was being haunted by cupcakes. Given the significance of the cupcake in that meeting (and the fact that they started to appear everywhere), I couldn't help but start to associate the damn things with breaking free from my eating disorder.
Like a medal or the locket, the sight of a cupcake will always bring me back to the moment I realized I was moving past a disorder that had once made me very sick both physically and mentally.
Six months ago, when I started working with professionals to help me overcome anorexia, I told them I would NEVER eat a treat again. Just get me to eat again...that's it. I will never be someone who indulges.
This week I've had three cupcakes, in fact. Ok, so I was wrong.
Life after The Cupcake (referring to the original post-ED cupcake that signified my departure from LA's office visits) has been wonderful. This week, while I had my moments of stress (who doesn't?), I realized I have become a slightly more relaxed version of my previous self. I can indulge, I can say no to requests and demands that overwhelm me, and I actually enjoy the slight imperfections that have started to sprout up in my life. Ever since The Cupcake, the mere time I spend thinking or obsessing over food or weight has nearly vanished. This week has been the most eating-disorder free week I have had in well over a year, and I anticipate the eating disorder taking even more of a backseat in the weeks to come.
So now it's time to transition, to focus my energy elsewhere. I will always have an eating disorder in my head; the voice has just quieted (or I have learned to tell it to fuck off...that could be too). But while it has shut up for awhile, it's time to take a deep breath, regroup, and start living again.
Here's what my life After The Cupcake is shaping up to look like (in other words, a recap of my life as it now stands...since I have neglected to write in over five days- sorry):
- I eat to fuel my body. In fact, LA and I talked last evening about the fact that I probably need to eat a LOT of food now that my marathon training is picking up...and that does not freak me out one bit. What does freak me out is dying off towards the end of training runs the way I used to. Fuel now trumps weight. Move over, ED. I have all kinds of insane athletic pursuits in my future and you are now just in the way.
- I have been officially adopted into LA's family and gained three new siblings. They were kind of thinking of letting me in anyhow, but when they got to eat some of the cupcakes I had sent LA as a thank you, I was immediately given the stamp of approval. I adored LA as my dietitian, but I like her even more as a friend. Truly stuck for life.
- I'm starting to use my personal training certification, and while I'm working lots of hours between my "real" job and my "second" job, I'm happy to be applying my love of physical activity and training to help other people. I've even been kicking around the idea of using my certification to train individuals who are overcoming eating issues and trying to regain their health and strength. We'll see what the future holds there.
- I am still working with Dr. Joe and probably will be for quite some time, only because I think it's kind of fun to mess with him and he keeps me entertained. Just kidding...that's not why. In reality (let's be honest) my life has been a bit of a mess. At least I'm realizing it in my twenties and can try to apply some damage control so the past doesn't continue to eat me alive.
- I have muscles again. My body is no longer chomping on them to try and get some energy. Bravo for that.
- I laugh. All the time. I'm happy again.
- In the last five days, while still eating really healthfully, I have had 1. chicken philly sandwich, 2. three cupcakes, and 3. a bag of Baked Lays ("health" food to most...not to me). Oh, and 4. butter.
- I have not had an episode of the excrutiating yet mysterious pain+vomiting in about three weeks. After seemingly dozens (ok, it was like four, but still) of negative test results, my doctors determined the episodes were the result of residual damage from repeated purging. Once I got better and cut out the purging, my body has (miraculously) started to heal (what a concept...should've tried it earlier). I may deal with the pain again in the future, but for now it seems to have backed off a little.
Another big milestone is lingering on the horizon this week: The Compliment.
That's right. This marks the fourth week of "true" success, as defined by my ever-so-cautious therapist. Will Dr. Joe drop a compliment as he has promised? What will life after The Compliment look like? Hmmm...stay tuned.
In the meantime, may every cupcake in your future taste just a little sweeter and remind you that change is possible.
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