A "Rainbow" of Foods

1. Sweet potato fries
2. Great Lakes Christmas Ale
3. Egg whites and cheese on a multigrain bagel...from a (gasp) drive-thru...and twice!
4. A big bowl of pasta from a restaurant specializing in "noodles" and chosen by an 8-year-old
5. French onion soup....grilled cheese...and 3 cups of hot cocoa (in one sitting)
6. About half of a gourmet brownie
7. Six venti Starbucks Christmas Blends with sugar-free caramel and nonfat milk
8. Approximately 20 alcoholic beverages

No, this is not a menu swiped from a college campus food court, or a list of the foods my husband consumes in a twenty-four hour period. It is, however, a list of the "shocking" foods I ate over the weekend. There were, obviously, plenty of salads and vegetables and such to fill in the blanks, but yes...I ate those things this weekend and I'm okay with it.

Ok...maybe #7 on the list is not that surprising given my recent addiction...but I'm going to include it anyhow.

And LA said take #8 up with Dr. Joe; she's not touching that one. Hey, I was in a lot of emotional pain this week thanks to my family. Leave me be. Hmph.

Regardless, #1-6 are impressive.

My hippie/flowerchild of a boss, D. (who has been overwhelmingly supportive throughout this whole ordeal and throroughly enjoys talking about food no matter the occasion) responded "I just love listening to this. It's like a rainbow of foods. Makes me so happy." While I generally do not relate aspects of my life to "rainbows" (or flowers, or butterflies, or bunny rabbits, or anything else overly 'joyous') my diet is, indeed, slowly moving from black and white to color again.

Surprisingly, I did not wake up this morning with an extra twenty pounds on my frame or having lost all of my lean muscle mass. I still zipped into my small jeans without any major issues, and felt strong, lean, and toned. The world did not end, and I sit here- very much alive- blogging about my very "normal" food weekend.

Something has clicked. I had about four hours alone in the car this weekend (while driving back and forth to my aunt's for a massive shopping spree) to think it all through, and I've come to this conclusion: my love of intense physical activity is what helped to bring about an eating disorder in me...but it's now what is saving me from it and helping me to heal.

That doesn't make a lot of sense. But it's true. Wanting to be able to complete physical challenges, wanting to push myself, feel strong, and to, basically, kick ass. It makes me want to eat. Right or wrong, it works. I can now justify eating almost whatever, just like an athlete should. I am hungry...and it's a sign that my body is plowing through what it's been given and it's time for more. My body hasn't really let me down lately- in fact, it's strength is impressing me- so, what the hell. I'll feed it, I suppose.

The change over to weather conditions similar to those in the Arctic tundra are helping the situation as well. After nearly three hours spent on a trail run in the snow over the weekend, I really could not justify eating a salad (and while stille shivering an hour later). So, while thawing out with my running friends post-run, I decided only the French onion soup, grilled cheese, and massive amounts of hot cocoa would do. I can tell the cold-weather trail running this winter is going to help with the food consumption...when icicles are hanging from my braids and my lips are permanently frozen in position, I am not in the frame of mind to overanalyze meal options. Hot and steamy and a ton of it to make my stomach stop yelling at me...those are about the only requirements.

Mama K and I are texting back and forth right now, even as I am writing this post. We are talking about how our days went (as usual) and I just told her about the food I ate over the weekend. I think my last text to her wraps up my current mindset quite accurately:

"Yeah, I'm really ok. For real. It's time to focus on how strong my body has become and USE IT. I'm killing the endurance stuff and I need to stick with all of it. Just eat, be strong, and do it."

Her response: "I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. It has been a long and hard road. But you're there."

I love what I am doing right now. The thought of pursuing some crazy things in the future (marathons, 50Ks, 100-mile trail runs...yes, LA and I talked about the possibility of that this morning...) makes me giddy. I've turned to sports many times in my life to provide me with an outlet for anger, to provide me with alternative routes out of a painful situation, and to give me a sense of accomplishment. There is no denying that my perfectionist, work-hard-play-later approach to life is what hard-wired me for an eating disorder. But there is also no denying that my need for intensity and hard-earned goals has brought me to a place where I can now set aside my need to control food for the sake of becoming a stronger person.

I am so close to the finish line with this eating disorder that I can finally see it. That is not to say that the pain, emotions, and garbage behind it won't linger and need to be dealt with for quite some time. As LA said this weekend: "The food is the easy part...that's why I'm a dietitian and not a psychologist!".

I am looking forward to hearing Dr. Joe's reaction this week when he hears what I ate. While he'll try to cover it up with some kind of  nonchalant "almost there..." comment, I'm convinced I'll be able to catch a slight smile or something when I talk about it.

Still trying to make those around me proud...some things never change!