Closing a Chapter

In some of my previous posts, I have wondered how I would know if I had moved beyond the eating disorder. What would it look like? Would there ever really be an end to it, or would the obsession and behaviors haunt me for life?

Interestingly enough, my obsession with food and body image suddenly started really slipping away lately without much effort. Dr. Joe seems to think that my choice to walk away from some pretty painful family dynamics has shifted some of my anger outward, rather than inward, and he is not at all surprised I have stopped destroying myself and my life.

Who knows. I am not a psychologist and thank god at times I am not. I guess it really doesn't matter the exact cause of my recent successes, as long as they continue. He can analyze it until he's blue in the face. I suppose that is how he makes his living. In time, I'm sure I'll have it all figured out too. After all, that will probably be the key to leaving this eating disorder and other self-destruction behind for good.

I'm starting to realize I have a lot to give and a lot to accomplish. In short, I now realize I may have too much to lose.

I am shocking myself with how well I am transitioning out of my previous mindset. It is almost as though someone just now found the light switch we've been looking for all along, and didn't waste a second turning it on. I'm suddenly living again; and the life I'm living now, on the tail-end of recovery is, in many ways, even better than the one I was living before I started starving myself. I'm now stronger physically than I have been in nearly a year, I'm starting to understand who I am and what makes me tick, and have developed some extremely trusting relationships throughout this process. My goals are suddenly bigger, my confidence on its way to being restored. I've learned a lot about who in my life will check out during the rough patches, and who will stick around for the good times that exist on the other side of the mountain.

Tomorrow morning, I meet with LA for possibly my last office visit. The discussion over reaching this point was rather casual (via text message, actually). There really wasn't a big flashing "YOU'RE READY!" light that suddenly went off or some kind of finish line that I had crossed. I believe we had been texting about my recent return to normal foods, when she suddenly proposed: You know I was thinking maybe Monday would be our last office visit for awhile...how do you feel about that?

I thought about it. I was instantly apprehensive about severing the cord, moving away from a routine I have established. I have met with LA at least once a week for the last six months. Our office visits had become a mainstay in my life. I had laughed a lot there, cried at times, and overcome my fear of eating there. I have, and always will, see LA's office as a secure place where I really tackled this eating disorder. For a split second, I saw myself falling apart without having that appointment on my calendar each week.

However, I also knew LA was seeing progress that I, honestly, hadn't even been paying attention to. I've grown to trust her enough that I know she wouldn't suggest backing off on office visits unless she knew I had reached a point where I could stand on my own two feet.

I told Mama K about the fact that LA and I are thinking of backing off on the appointments after tomorrow. She simply said: "M. You've won."

For someone who loves to win, one would think I would have realized that already. But I had not.

I cannot believe I am to this point. There were so many times I honestly thought I would not get better. I felt as though this eating disorder and the physical damage resulting from it would haunt me for years and years to come. I pictured LA and I still playing with plastic food models this time next year.

Why didn't I see myself here? This point has been the goal all along. How is it possible to have been working towards a goal I couldn't really see myself?

I am ready to make tomorrow's appointment with LA  my last. Some may doubt that I'm ready or tell me what they think I should do, but in reality, LA and I are the only two who really know how far I've come and where I still need to go. Likewise, she is the only one who truly sees the significance and major successes in things like:

• Butter making an appearance in our home refrigerator again (well, ok, The Mr. also sees the significance in that...he's been missing butter for quite some time).
• Regular caramel being added to my Starbucks coffee in place of the sugar-free version.  
• Me texting her to make sure I had fueled properly before embarking on my 14-mile training run on Saturday (she probably almost fell over reading that text).
• Carelessly taking down jello shot after jello shot at a party this weekend and not worrying about the calories (yeah, she's probably the only person in my life who would find some kind of success in that).

I can't speak to the relationships other eating disorder patients develop with their support teams, but the unexpected friendship and support I have derived from working with LA over the last six months has, honestly, changed my life in many ways. It was critical, I believe, that I had someone with whom I could share completely irrational fears about foods, my urges to revert back to old patterns of thinking, and my (seemingly minor, yet very major) successes related to food. Once I learned to trust her and Dr. Joe, their unconditional support allowed me to open up and talk about the eating disorder obsessions in a way I could not with friends or others in my life. LA especially has seen it all.

She remembers me crying the first day we met because mere discussion about food was too much to handle. When I was learning to just sit with food in my system (rather than purging), she received a lot more emotional and panicked phone calls than I care to admit. I sometimes feel a huge sense of pride when I'm able to tackle a challenging "food" moment or eat something I wouldn't have touched several months ago, and in those moments (when anyone else would think I was crazy for getting so excited about "nothing"), I would email or text her to share in my sense of accomplishment. She walked me through each moment, and in the end, we've become pretty tight as a result of it.

So while the thought of ending the office visits scared me a little at first, it didn't take long to realize that I'm ready to take the next steps on my own.

I only had to think about it for a few moments before I also realized that LA will always be there, and that she's not going to just walk away. Given my lack of trust in people, that's really saying something about what she has proven to me in this process.

The stories from my LA office visits have often provided me with a basis for my posts; at times they were emotional, at other times mildly humorous despite the darker issues involved. Somehow, however, I do not think that LA will be disappearing from the blog any time soon.

She told me once "You're stuck with me, kid."

I really hope she means that. For someone who is used to keeping people at an arm's length, she is one person I wouldn't mind at all being "stuck with" in life. She's proven her support to me. I've grown to see her as a respected professional, but also as a friend and oddly enough, another genuine and caring mother figure (much like Mama K...two "mothers" now, uh-oh!). I have been told that I'm the favorite client (on the down-low, of course).

I think (and hope) that somehow makes me unforgettable.