So I gave in. If there is anything I have learned in the last year or so, it's that my body talks to me. I ignored it for a long time, but now I listen when it screams and bitches and moans and digs in its heels.
Don't get me wrong. I still exercised a decent amount this weekend both on the bike and running. But I backed off because I've come to the realization that it really doesn't do any good to push. In fact, my success at the marathon can probably be chalked up to the fact that I moved healing and rest to the top of the to-do list in the weeks leading up to the trip and race. I used to think my body liked and appreciated the pounding; but in reality, it seems to perform better when I take the time to let it be every now and then.
This is the new "zen" me. Well, the closest someone as high-strung as me can get to "zen".
I'm reading a book my naturally "zen" and "hippie-esque" boss (her and JN would be fast friends) threw on my desk the other day: Eating Mindfully. Mind you, I have to be careful with food-related books, as the content can sometimes trigger restriction or obsessing over what I eat (the complete opposite of what we are trying to do here). But LA, who knows me best, gave me the green light to read this one and got all giddy the way she normally does when she hears the slightest reference to geeky nutrition stuff.
So I'm only a few pages into Eating Mindfully and I'm already buying into the philosophy, which basically states that we have become a society of mindless eaters. So true.
While restriction was pretty much the name of my game at the height of my eating disorder, I still had moments during which I ate quite mindlessly. Granted, I usually caught myself, beat myself up with guilt, and ran to the bathroom to "get rid of it", but I do remember moments of "weakness" (that's an eating disordered reference by the way...there is no "weakness" associated with allowing yourself to eat something) during which I was shoveling anything and everything into my mouth after days of starvation.
Haven't you ever sat in front of the television and suddenly found yourself at the bottom of a bag of chips? Or at the movie theater slurping the last little bit of a gajillion-ounce Pepsi only to think "holy shit...is all that Pepsi now swishing around inside of me..."?. Or reached for a third, fourth, fifth slice of pizza just because it was in front of you?
That's mindless eating. We all do it.
So my new goal for this week is to eat mindfully. Listen to my body (which is screaming at me "recovery, please!"), eat when I'm hungry, eat what I'm craving, and take the time to enjoy it. In reality, we should all be doing that.
Last week brought several days at work during which I "forgot" to eat lunch. I am currently wrapped up in a lot of projects, and when my crazy mind gets going, it's hard to stop and "enjoy" a sandwich or something. I finally emailed LA one day when I was up to my ears in stress and said something along the lines of "I want to punch everyone in the face, I am way too stressed, I am drowning, and I haven't eaten lunch and don't see any time in the near future to do so."
After she finally convinced me to eat (with really nothing more than an email saying "please go eat"...but I listen anyhow, because she's, well, like my mom), I inhaled my turkey sandwich and carrots and returned to work. Almost immediately, the thoughts starting creeping in: Fat. Gross. Sloppy. Sluggish.
But, alas, thanks to my months and months and months spent in therapy...I understood it. I hadn't taken the time to eat mindfully. Therefore, eating too quickly made me 1. feel unnaturally full, and 2. like a ravenous pig who cannot control her urges. Both are psychological triggers for a previously anorexic person to purge, restrict, or over-exercise later on.
I was so proud of myself for figuring this out.
And the philosophy of Eating Mindfully confirms what I figured out. When we don't take the time to listen to our bodies, rush through meals, neglect to truly enjoy the food...we engage in all kinds of psychological battles with ourselves and start to think:
- I cannot control myself. I am disgusting.
- I overate AGAIN. Fatass!
- Gluttonous pig.
- My gut is sticking out, and I am certain I instantly gained 12 pounds from lunch alone.
- (Enter other damaging food-related self-talk here...)
So I tried out some of the suggestions this book has offered me already (even though I'm only on page 8 or something), and zoned in on the flavors, textures, and nutrients within the foods I ate this weekend. I chewed slower, tried to enjoy it (kind of hard for me, given the ED past), and just went with the flow. And I have to say, it made eating a lot easier.
Why do we assume that because we eat a "junk" food we must either 1. eat it all (as in: "Might as well!") or 2. eat so little that we barely enjoy it (as in: "I will have ONE Dorito...)?
Really, it's not that black and white. And the most balanced approach to food, as with most things in life, is somewhere in the gray. Everything in moderation, but with awareness and reflection at the root of the action.
So my issue was with anorexia. Yours might be with overeating. Or maybe it's just an over-obsession with food or body. Whatever it is, we can all benefit from paying a little more attention to the food in our mouths. After all, it's hard to deny that a strong psychological link exists between what we eat and how it makes us feel.
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