Triggered

I knew this time would come, but I did not think my ability to eat would be crippled by it. Not at this point in recovery, not after all the work I have done and hours I have spent to establish a healthy relationship with food no matter what.

But the time has come: a big, BIG trigger that has sent me spiraling into the kind of severe obsession cycle I thought I would never, ever experience again.

The trigger (let me retype that with a capital T: "Trigger") was a new rule about food in the office. A rule that, to most, would normally be met with the usual groaning, followed by a careless shoulder shrug once the initial venting subsides. But as hard as I tried to do the same and "set an example" as one of the leaders in the office, it was only a matter of days before I slid back into some seriously disordered thinking while trying to function under a new set of expectations.

The motivation behind establising the new rule is not necessarily something I disagree with: some of the desks within our office are in an open environment, and that set-up (existing within the already-casual environment of a college campus) lends itself to some level of unprofessionalism as people chow on their lunches while seating at their desks. Often, students are greeted by a receptionist whose greasy, fast-food smorgasbord is only an arm's length away. Sure, we were probably in need of a "professionalism makeover" in the office, specifically related to the amount of food being consumed at workstations.

Because several people in our work environment struggle to exist within shades of gray, the New Food Rule was presented in black and white: No food present in the office. No food at desks. No food in sight. Food only behind closed doors. The senior staff members (which includes me) are to set an example.

I didn't see it coming at first, but after four days of the following battle playing out in my head, I could see trying to exist within the new expectations was a recipe for disaster:

(These bullet points should be read as one big run-on sentence in order to even begin to understand how this all plays out in my head...and to really walk in my shoes, feel free to play it in your head for at least 6-8 hours a day and tell me how exhausted you feel):

• It is 10:36 and I need to eat my apple and cheese.
• I have an office with a door. Should I shut my door during a time when I am supposed to be available to those in the office? But if I do, I will need to shut it for at least 20 minutes because I have to eat the apple and cheese slowly, because if I eat it too quickly I will feel full, and when I feel as though I've eaten too quickly and feel full, I will not want to eat my lunch. And if I dont eat my lunch, I am heading for relapse...and....and....and....fuck it, this is too much stress and too much to think about and I cannot eat this damn apple in the office so I'm not going to and  just forget about it...
• My stomach is growling. JN and LA taught me this means I'm hungry. I needed that apple. Ok, I will take a bite of it. But when someone who does not have an office door walks by I will feel elitist and horrible, and I'm supposed to be setting an example as a leader in the office and they are watching me...and, okay, I'll take one bite.
• Shit! Someone just walked by twice and I have the apple and cheese out on my desk. Should I shut my door? But I CAN'T! What if people need me?!?!
• Food = BAD
• Hunger = BAD
• You eat way too much. No one else needs an apple and cheese in the morning. Just wait til lunch. Everyone else is fine. You should be too.
• You are different. You are a pain in the ass. You are the exception. You don't want rules to apply to you? What is wrong with you? Why can't you behave?
• Wait! JN and LA tell me I need that apple...shit, it's already in the trash...
• I'm not getting any work done, but my mind is reeling about food, weight, guilt, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Make it stop!!!!
• Now it's lunch time. Shut your door. You're used to eating over the course of two hours but you're just going to need to figure this shit out. You're a leader. Set an example. No one else gets to eat all day. You need way too much food, you fat slob. Get it together.
• (Behind shut door) Hurry up and get this food down, you have to open your door, people need you. You work in education and should be helping people. You need to set an example, be a leader, work harder. Get the food down and open the door!
• Screw it. I cannot eat this fast, I am totally stressed out by all of this (and why won't my brain shut OFF!!!????!?!?). Tossing the lunch in the trash.

....and it goes on...and on...and on...

When the process of eating becomes too complicated, too complex, too overwhelming...it's way too easy for someone in recovery to turn her back on it. And that's exactly what I started to do.

I was, of course, provided with accomodations that allowed me to eat throughout the day despite this rule. Now, I am not a person who likes "special treatment" and fairness and equality are two values I hold in high esteem, so the fact that I showed up for myself enough to even pursue that option means I obviously care a little more about my recovery than I did at this point a year ago.

But even the "exception to the rule" threw me into an obsessive, anorexic cycle that I lost control of almost as soon as it began. The FOOD = BAD/ FOOD = GUILT/ FOOD = SHAME messages started coming on at full force. What if others who are under me see me eating? Will they think I am "above" the rules? Isn't it elitist to have food on my desk when they cannot? And those messages very quickly morphed into:

• Something is wrong with you.
• No one else needs to eat all day.
• You should feel guilty when people see you eat.
• You are a terrible leader if you eat at work.
• You do not need food.

By this morning, I was a malnourished puddle of tears and my eating disorder had crippled me to the point that I could not even face the work environment I love so much. I was done. I could not go in without some serious coaching to convince me that, um, feeding myself is still a positive concept. So I started placing desperate phone calls to JN, LA, Dr. Joe (left messages for each of them) before Big Sis K intercepted my hysteria over watching my hard-earned recovery slide down the tubes under these a new set of expectations and rules.

What the hell. Who knew I'd be stopped dead in my tracks by an office food rule?

Well, apparently, this came as no surprise to JN and Dr. Joe, both of whom have graciously assisted me in pulling out of this mess of a trigger.

JN helped me see that the new set of expectations triggered all the negative feelings I used to hold about food: That I am somehow "bad" for needing to eat. That my hunger is not natural and should be ignored. That eating should bring about guilt. That I must not eat to "set an example" as someone who has a second job in fitness. That food needs to have rules and they must be strict and I deserve to pay (read: purge) when I break them.

Wow.

The parallels to my eating disordered mentality were glaringly obvious once she pointed them out. I have worked so hard to reverse this mindset, but the reality is that the distortion remains and still pulls me in when triggered.

Dr. Joe met with me this afternoon to work through the psychological piece of this mess, which helped me understand this big trigger even more:

*Flashling Lights!* BIG Connection Here:
When I first began working with Dr. Joe, two of my main values were pleasing others and earning respect.

The new expectation in the office related to food put my directives to eat and overcome food rules in direct opposition to these values. As a result, I didn't know which to pick.

IF I ATE: If someone saw me eating outside of the expectation, I would appear as "above the rules", and therefore not please those above me and not be able to earn respect from others in the office setting. Translate to an eating disorder patient: Food is totally not worth the hassle.

IF I DID NOT EAT: I would be setting a good example by following the rules. I would lose weight. I would get more work done. I would have my door open and be able to maintain open communication with my student assistant and coworkers, which I enjoy. Translate to an eating disorder patient: Food is totally not worth the hassle.

An anorexic, if she is not careful with her thoughts, can talk herself out of eating at the slightest notion of inconvenience. It was a recipe for disaster I should have seen coming.

But as with most triggers...I will miss them until they throw me off track.

Dr. Joe spent an hour with me today breaking down each and every message that is in my head at the moment about eating. I now have a counter-attack for every possible scenario this damn eating disorder could throw at me under this new set of expectations. I feel armed and ready to go.

I'll be having a nice (pre-planned) dinner out this evening with LA to get me back on track.

I'm glad it's Friday. Anorexia is kicking my ass this week.

As JN said to me last night: There is a reason recovery is extremely hard. You really have to work for it sometimes.

Ain't that the truth.