Other moments that fall within this category are my wedding day, my first marathon, and just about every single trip I've ever taken with my girlfriends from graduate school.
Friends can attest that I have never been a birthday "partier". In fact, my birthday (excluding #21, which was one hell of a bash) is typically celebrated rather intimately and the plans are made by others around me who seem to care a lot more than I do. I'm sure this general downplaying of the day of my birth can be traced back to my rocky relationship with my mother, my shockingly low sense of self-worth, and my general attitude of mistrust in people, but we'll let Dr. Joe create those connections.
However, my approach to birthdays has always been this: Anything involving MY birthday belongs to me and me alone. I do what I want and I really do not care if people do not like it. The other days of the year, I may be a little more willing to compromise...or at least not kick and scream.
Recent birthdays have included the following celebratory I-do-what-I-want events:
- Birthday #28- Spent two hours locked in a local community college testing center taking the hardest exam of my life to earn my personal training certification through the American College of Sports Medicine. Certainly not a party, but I wanted that license badly and didn't care if it was my birthday or not...I was taking the damn exam. The Mr. and I celebrated this achievement with dinner at a cheap Mexican joint (because, well, that's what I wanted), me in sweats and without make-up. I'm certain I purged that meal anyhow, as I was in the depths of anorexia at the time and really was not puting effort into anything but trying to destroy my body (obviously reflective of my self-worth at the time). Happy birthday to me.
- Birthday #27- Phone calls, emails, text messages coming in weeks in advance as my friends try to make plans with me. I turned them all down, persuaded my husband to go on a long bike ride, went to a nice dinner, and was in bed by 11:00. I believe I met three of my good friends a few days later for a casual Sunday lunch on the dock of a lakeside restaurant and that was that.
- Birthday #26- Took the day off work and shopped all day...solo.
Bottom line is: When it's my birthday, I do what I want.
It's no understatement that my 28th year was one of the toughest on many, many levels. Let's face it, when I suddenly realized I spent the majority of an entire calendar year either in the presence of or in constant communication with a doctor, a dietitian, and a therapist, I was ready to bury 28 and ring in 29 with a new approach.
I kept the "I do what I want" mentality when planning out this weekend, but it was taken to a whole new level. Nothing was going to stop me from being ME for three days straight:
1. Friday night: Joint Birthday Party- My running friends are some of my closest. An eclectic group of individuals who would probably never interact with one another under normal circumstances, we share an unbreakable and close bond crafted entirely from our love of this ridiculous physical activity.
There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to celebrate my birthday with this second family of mine, so when I realized four of us had birthdays within weeks of one another, it provided me with the perfect excuse to plan a large group dinner at a restaurant many of them had been wanting to try.
Many hours of laughter and intoxication later, I found myself in the passenger seat of our car (The Mr. was driving, of course, a rare role reversal after a night out), looking up at the stars and thanking god for connecting me with such an awesome group of people who accept the Genuine Me, laugh and carry on with one another like family, and support one another through all of life's peaks and valleys...both on and off the running course.
Saturday- Everything I Love in One Day: I ran a (dehydrated) long run of 13 miles with a friend. It was beautiful outside. In between my "I really need to get back into training" and "why did you do that last shot last night?" thoughts, I felt a sense of appreciation for this breathtaking area and the fact that I am able to spend my weekend mornings killing my legs in a National Park trail system I love so much. Pure. Bliss.
This run was immediately (well, I showered first) followed by an outlet shopping excursion with three of my girlfriends, during which I discovered I am now, apparently, a pretty solid size 4-6 and somehow avoided a total breakdown. To my surprise, the fact that I had to purchase work pants in a larger size did not throw me into a tailspin; rather I shrugged it off and reminded myself that I'm an athlete, I'm active, and that I need to eventually figure out my natural weight setpoint anyhow. My calm acceptance of this situation was bizarre, yet not at all coincidental that I was able to put poor body image and distortion aside when feeling secure, loved, and happy among friends...
After shopping, I kept the promise I made to myself during the Great Closet Cleanout and rid myself of a pair of shoes, two tank tops, a pair of pants, and sweater. A one-for-one tradeoff to make room in my now-minimalist wardrobe for the newly purchased pieces.
Then, another dinner/drinks night out on the town. I had organized this one to include other close friends (mostly outside of the running circle), and met ten of them out for dinner and drinks at a restaurant that has played host to many of our special celebratory moments: graduations, bachelorette parties, births, anniversaries, and the like.The group, some of whom had never met, and I closed the night with more laughter, more conversation, more martinis, and more wine at another nice establishment down the street.
I went to bed that night feeling a new kind of full; the fullness that doesn't necessarily come from food, but is derived from simply being oneself, yet reaping the benefits of solid, unconditional friendships with those who have watched me transform...and loved me even more for it.
Sunday- Drying Out/ Enjoying Some More: Despite my second morning of party-induced dehydration, I crawled out of bed at 7:00 AM to meet the girls for a trail run in the rain. I have no idea where this kind of motivation comes from, but it's just who I am and I guess I don't have to understand it...only embrace it.
On this particular run, M, who is normally a bit of a nature-hater ("Someone really needs to come clean this trail up because it is MUDDY") wanted to climb a giant hill on an unfamiliar stretch of the park system to "see what was at the top". After dragging ourselves up a relatively untraveled path, we found ourselves at one of the highest peaks in the park system. Standing in the quiet rain, surrounded by nothing but the outdoors I love so much, I suddenly realized life is as close to perfect as it's ever been.
An hour later, I found myself (no longer covered in mud and transformed into the publicly acceptable version of myself) at lunch with E., my new coworker and friend. The instant trust and mutual respect she and I have established has been a wonderful gateway into yet another new friendship, and we later joined other coworkers for a theatre production to support one of our charismatic student assistants.
Dinner and a movie at LA's house with her family capped off the day, allowing me to unwind surrounded by a family that has become like my own, in a house that I feel comfortable enough visiting in my sweats, and on a sofa I am known to fall asleep on from time to time.
Which brings me to today: a planned vacation day (I never take for granted that I can take these just about any time I want) and one of my biweekly appointments with JN.
It was in the comfort of JN's office this afternoon that I realized the significance of this pre-birthday weekend, and was convinced that adopting The Birthday Mentality as a way of life will help me walk away from this eating disorder once and for all.
Food (as well as how, when and why I consume it) is obviously JN's main concern as a dietitian/body image guru. However, as I have learned throughout the recovery process, my actions and thoughts related to food practically rip the bandage off any emotions I'm trying to ignore or suppress.
In reading my account of this weekend's activities, you may have been searching for a food reference: my thoughts as I indulged in back-to-back dinners out, how I used my running to compensate for my "indulgences" or the like. But you didn't find any...because food (and the obsessive ED thought process related to it) was virtually non-existent as I lived out an entire weekend founded in The Birthday Mentality: I do what I want.
I am who I am. I do what I want.
I ate what I wanted. I wore what I wanted. I said what I wanted. With the exception of a few friends who 1. couldn't make it, or 2. live far, far away...I gave time, energy, and attention to the people I wanted, those who take me as I am and enjoy every minute of it.
I am so Me right now, it's scary. But I love it.
Which brings me full circle to the body/food piece (the foundational subject matter of this blog!)...
Without realizing it, I have begun to adopt the so-called Birthday Mentality 365 days a year: living a genuine life, eliminating guilt, dropping the self-imposed bar from perfectionism to happiness. Given how strongly I now feel about this approach to living, not accepting my body for what it truly is seems downright hypocritical.
I can't be Me all the time if I keep trying to change the shell, the packaging. I need to let it be. The packaging needs to match the product...real, lacking judgment, genuine.
The Birthday Mentality is going to be sticking around. JN and I agree...it's the best way to ensure that I am living and eating based on intuition. Every day is now my birthday. Which means the next 364 days need to be approached with the "I do what I want" (read: I eat what I want, I listen to my needs, I put my own self-care first, I surround myself with those who respect me). And on May 3rd of next year, I will renew that commitment and continue on into the next year with the same Birthday Mentality. And the next, and the next.
The Birthday Mentality is about really owning who we are, what we need, and shedding the crap. It's about saving our energy for the people, experiences, and relationships that fall on the priority list on the one day each year when we allow ourselves to just BE.
Being ourselves, doing what feels right, and reflecting our priorities. Not caring what others think. Living as we truly are, without apology...
...365 days a year.
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