They Just Don't Understand...

I follow the ED Bites blog regularly, written by Carrie, a young woman recovering from anorexia (you can find her blog in my list). I admire her strength and honesty in recovery, and she is a phenomenal writer as well.

Her most recent post really resonated with me for a number of reasons. In her post, she sounds off about the ignorant comments posted on the web in response to an article about insurance coverage for bulimia. The comments struck a nerve with me too, and reminded me all too well of the misconceptions that are out there about eating disorders and those who suffer from them.

While the E! reality show "What's Eating You?" was difficult and painful for me to watch, I appreciate the accurate and raw portrayal of the girls' struggles. I'm hoping that the stories they follow will help change some of the ignorant minds that exist out there. Those who struggle with eating disorders are not the attention-seeking, shallow, body-obsessed brats who expect "privileges" such as, god forbid, insurance companies covering the treatement they need (Gasp! What a concept). It is an awful, torturous disorder that affects the body and mind in ways most people cannot even imagine, and it is truly a difficult cycle to break without professional and medical help. Sadly, even those who receive the best care and work like hell to overcome it will still relapse many, many times. And, contrary to popular belief (evident by some of the comments Carrie refers to), we do not WANT to be this way. Who would? Trust me...if I could find my own way out and not "drain the nation's medical insurance system", I would.

I, of course, know that not everyone feels this way, and individuals are certainly entitled to their own opinions. So, like Carrie, I am not sure why these comments get under my skin. Perhaps it is the fact that I have struggled to get the care I need, thanks to insurance red tape. So I can comiserate with the family desperately seeking coverage for their daughter's bulimia treatment- it's an uphill battle, and unfortunately, the "they did it to themselves" mentality is more pervasive than one may think.

When I was released from a short hospital stay back in July, I was referred to an intensive outpatient program. I was on optimistically on board, had my supervisor's approval, and was ready and willing to give it a go. I thought it was the best case scenario to get me the help I needed. Until we saw the sticker price: $6,500 (not yet covered by insurance...but they would "reimburse" if coverage was approved at a later date...a bit of a gamble), not including the recommended outside work with my existing recovery team (read: additional copays, prescriptions, and office visit fees). Even for two fairly well-off young professionals, that price was a hefty one for The Mr. and I, especially not knowing if that investment would be worth it in the end or produce long-term success. Given the price and my stubborn "I can do anything I put my mind to!" mentality, I decided to walk away from that opportunity and continue the makeshift treatment program I had already begun to develop with my existing team. But I do often wonder if that program would have been the magic bullet that put an end to this pain and set me on a quicker road to recovery.

When I had been hospitalized in July, I was on a general medical floor to restore some weight, have tests done, and receive nourishment in the form of Ensure and IV. While there, I made some significant progress with a dietitian and actually wanted to stay for another day or two (which was Dr. K's intent as well). However, almost immediately after I had become stable, I was released for insurance reasons. While I desperately needed to be there at the time and was not anywhere close to "medically stable", it was time to go or the insurance company would balk. And so I was kicked back out to the care of my team, who had anticipated and ordered a three-day stay to get me back on track.

In the My Story page on my blog, I refer to anorexia as the perfectionist's disorder; and it truly is. Eating disordered individuals do tend to be high-achieving, driven, perfection-seeking people. They are often highly educated, professional, and have strong work ethic. Think about it...it takes a significant amount of drive to continue to starve, restrict, overtrain, and purge (not to mention hide it all while trying to keep up an image of togetherness) all because of the pursuit of a distorted goal. Is it disordered? Absolutely! But to imply that those who suffer from eating disorders do not want to help themselves, are a drain on the system, or have simply "done it to themselves" couldn't be further from the truth. It is a sign of true ignorance of the disorder to say so.

Thanks to Carrie for commenting on this topic. It inspired my rant today.

And my favorite line from her post: "I've gotten used to a lot of the misconceptions about eating disorders ("Just eat a sandwich!"  As if that hadn't occurred to me...)."

So true...like I haven't heard that one before!

Making a Hard Decision

Hello everyone,

You may have noticed my frequent doctor’s appointments and absences throughout this semester. Unfortunately, I have decided to take a medical leave of absence beginning Monday October 18^th. I will be returning to the office on Monday, November 1^st. I will still be in the office tomorrow (Friday, October 22).

All major FYE projects have already been either completed or assigned, and anyone involved has already received the information they need. So, if you have not yet been tapped, there isn’t a thing you need to cover! If you have a question about something that typically falls under me or need to know who is covering one of my projects, please talk to DXXX or MXXX and they can direct you accordingly.

Thank you to anyone who steps in to help while I am out. I truly appreciate it, and will return the favor in the future!

I just typed those exact words and hit the "Send" button to deliver that message to my 30+ coworkers, most of whom have no idea the battle I've been fighting for months. 
 

There you have it. I've raised the white flag. I surrender. It's time to get some more intensive help.

Beginning tomorrow at 5:00, I am officially on medical leave from my beloved job at the University. I'll be leaving the coworkers that are like family and spending a LOT of time with three people who have become like family: my treatment team.

I had scare #3 last night- severe pain in my abdomen, esophagus, and throat that kept me awake and wimpering in pain for a good hour or so. The Mr. and I debated on going to the emergency room (or very least, an Urgent Care), but somehow decided not to, assuming the pain is par for the course (it's the third time I've felt it that severely) and that it would eventually subside.

Well, Dr. K said otherwise when I talked to her this morning. She said the next time I feel it, the ER should be my immediate destination, at least until we know more details about what this is.

While I was already kicking around the idea of a medical leave yesterday afternoon, that experience solidified it for me. My body is just revolting. It's failing me, it's damaged, and it needs time and focus to heal.

I am blessed to work in such a supportive and flexible work environment; one that allows me to step away without many questions and provides me with the back-up and support I need. I truly love working in higher education for that reason, as there is no better place to find support and nurturing than at a college campus. It's our business: helping others develop, grow, and achieve. And sometimes even those of us providing these things need the same.

It was my supervisor's idea- this leave. She was quick to point out (knowing me well and my need to please, overachieve, and strive for perfection) that I am doing my job well despite the trials and tribulations of battling an eating disorder. However, she wanted me to know that if I needed the time to step away and focus on just my treatment, that she was willing to make it happen.

And I accepted. Because it's time to tackle this once and for all. And while I'm making significant strides and have grown in many ways since I first admitted there was a problem, I do need the opportunity to strip my life of most other things and focus my time and energy on getting better. For good. Not just for a few weeks.

The thought of so much down time, obviously, worries me. I fear I will fall into a deep depression and not be able to get out, especially living and breathing all that is Eating Disorder for a good two weeks. Because of this, I've worked with my team to structure my time in a way that allows for rest and healing, but includes some really intensive outpatient work.

So, in addition to sleeping in (which for me is only until about 8:00...don't get too excited), I'll be meeting with LA every day. We are hitting the nutrition education hard and will be working to break down and accept my "fear foods". Sprinkled into the week will be intensive appointments with Dr. Joe, during which he will 1. smile slightly at my sarcasm, 2. tell me to just "relax", and 3. provide me with quotes and metaphors to blog about. 

Just kidding- it will be much more productive than that. But you all know I love to pick on Dr. Joe. 

I will also have the pleasure of having a scope shoved down my esophagus and throat. LA made this sound like an absolute blast when I talked to her today (not), as she had one done for some odd reason in the past. But the scope will let us know the extent of the damage to my digestive system, which will help Dr. K know how to treat the pain and discomfort I've been experiencing. 

But most of all, the time will (hopefully) allow me to start to feel like myself again. I need to have some good days...and not just one or two.  

If a perfection-obsessed, over-achieving control freak can take a leap of faith like this, walk away from something that truly defines her, and place whole-hearted trust in a team of three strangers-turned-saviors, the possibility certainly exists that this eating disorder thing can be turned around.

This is exactly what I need, and it should have happened months ago. But alas, you can't convince a driven, independent, stubborn woman of much until she learns it for herself, right?

I never thought I'd be doing what I did today: simplifying the career I've built for myself down to a short to-do list for my coworkers...sending out an email like that to colleagues who have grown to respect my work and drive...looking at my boss with desperate and grateful eyes that read "Thank you, you noticed. This is exactly what I need."

I am tough. I am together. I am a machine that can work and work and work with very little rest.

Until now. But just I admitted to Mama K several months ago that I was battling an eating disorder, admitting that I need this time and want to take a leap of faith with my treatment team is another first step towards becoming Me again.

What's Eating You: A New Reality Series

E! network is premiering a new reality show tonight called "What's Eating You". The show is on at 10:00pm, and focuses on true stories from those suffering from eating disorders. Here is the link for more information:

http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/whats_eating_you/index.html

Setbacks: Buy One, Get One Free

Today was unpleasant. When Dr. Joe asked how I was feeling about today's developments, I replied "I want to forget it ever happened and move on."

And he responded: "I want you to do the exact opposite of that. You need to remember this forever and I never want you to forget it."

So what happened? Well, in the grand scheme of things, nothing earth-shattering. Dr. K was able to fit me in this afternoon in order to discuss the symptoms I've been experiencing (the burning sensation in the throat, the digestive issues, the pain while eating). So I arrived there and spilled my guts to Dr. K about what has been going on, making sure to hit all the points LA wanted me to relay to her (the concerned mothering-type dietitian that she is).

Dr. K confirmed what I already suspected was true: severe acid reflux from purging, micro-tears in the esophagus, a possible strain on one of the digestive muscles. She ordered bloodwork (doing that tomorrow...in the middle of my 12-hour fast right now while smelling the lingering aromas of The Mr.'s dinner) to take a look at my liver enzymes, electrolytes, and such. I've been down this road before...lab work is nothing new for someone with an eating disorder.

The second blow of the day was also delivered by Dr. K. Turns out I have been running on a stress fracture for awhile now, and this can probably be chalked up to a lack of calcium and overuse. Dr. K always inquires about skeletal/muscular pain when I see her, and for some reason I decided to be honest today and tell her that I have been feeling some pain in my right shin. I thought for sure she would take one look and declare "shin splints!" and I'd be on my merry way.

Well, not exactly. The X-ray revealed the fracture, plain as day. Thankfully, it is already in the healing stages, but it means no running for two weeks.

Dr. Joe intercepted the hysterical version of me just after I left Dr. K's office. In fact, I was a few minutes late meeting with him, as my appointment with her ran over (obviously...because I'm a walking medical trainwreck at this point). Because I cannot think of any other way to describe the random thoughts that crossed my mind this afternoon (and the two appointments were a complete blur), I'll use a bulleted list. Thank you, six years of post-secondary education.

Here it goes...the thought process occuring after getting Dr. K's news:

• How am I going to cut my already minimal acceptable foods list down to "bland and soft"?
• No way in hell I'm eating everything LA wants me to if I can't run it off (the eating disorder speaks)
• This is all my fault.
• I'll bet I can still run and Dr. K would never know.
• Crap. I need to schedule more doctors appointments around my work schedule and they are going to kill me.
• Is wine still permissable given the inflammation of the esophagus? Because I could use a bottle right about now.
• I have a half marathon in two weeks and Dr. Joe claims water-jogging will work just fine. I think he is insane.
• I spend more time with these doctors than I do my dog and husband.

So here I am. A setback. Or, as Dr. Joe says, "an opportunity."

Indeed it is. Tomorrow I will tackle this latest setback with the same determination and drive I apply to all other areas of my life. Tonight, however, I am drained from the stress of this afternoon and the thought of the challenges that lie ahead.

Positivity to come in the morning, I promise...stay tuned.

A Needed Wake-Up Call

I've ignored a health problem for a little while and the combination of it plus recent symptoms has the team (me included) a little stressed out today.

I'll spare you the details of the issue I tried to ignore (it's not pleasant). And I shouldn't have ignored it. Lesson learned.

As for the most recent health issue, I started feeling a burning sensation while eating several days ago followed by an excrutiating pain in my back and underneath my sternum. This all started the day after I returned home from Orlando, but was tolerable in the beginning. I also thought it could just be a sign of a chest cold from the change in weather. Of course, there was that small little voice telling me "this is probably related to your eating disorder, you idiot..." but I, of course, told it to shut up.

After the wedding on Saturday night, the pain really hit hard. When I was lying down, the pain in my midsection was excrutiating, and when I stood up, my throat and esophagus felt like it was on fire. It was a lose-lose situation, and I spent about 30 minutes walking around the hotel room (The Mr. concerned, yet unable to stay awake) trying to get it to go away before eventually giving in to exhaustion and going to sleep.

The next morning, the group met for breakfast at First Watch. I ordered the multigrain pancakes with blueberry compote, and ate about half, using the conversation as distraction as each bite made its painful way down my throat and esophagus.

I foolishly tried to run Sunday afternoon and had to stop (for the first time ever, mind you) thanks to the shooting pain brought on by each inhale. By this time, I knew exactly what was going on: I've damaged my esophagus and digestive tract from purging. The guilt from that realization was overwhelming.

I decided to give up on trying to choke down solid food, so last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast consisted of my trusty peanut-butter-banana-Greek-yogurt shake. I went to bed last night counting down the hours until I would see LA this morning and start to make some sense of what I was feeling.

I disclosed everything to LA this morning, even the symptom I had been ignoring. While not a doctor, LA's career as a dietitian has, obviously, earned her plenty of experience working with the eating disordered and she starting connecting the dots immediately.

While I'm still waiting to hear back from Dr. K., there is more than likely some damage to my digestive tract or tears (large or small) on my esophagus. The symptom I had been ignoring also may mean bleeding is involved. I've been instructed to stick with soft, bland foods until I can see Dr. K. and she can determine the extent of what is going on. On the less-serious end, it could be an acid reflux from purging; on the most-serious end, there is a tear in my esophagus from stomach acids. There are many shades of gray in between, so I will just need to wait and see. At this point, the damage is done and now, and I just need to take the steps to fix it and see to it that it never happens again.

The pain, the anxiety over what it could be, the guilt...all because of purging. Now isn't that a wake-up call.

I want to make it clear that I am not purging regularly, and have been making tremendous strides. In fact, LA and I had planned to increase my meal plan this week until this recent development, and I was more than ready to do so. This is more than likely an extension of the damage that already exists from purging several times daily (which was months ago; I've improved by leaps and bounds since then), and was worsened by the isolated incidents of purging in Orlando.

Recently, LA and I had really begun to focus on increasing my protein intake to build my muscles again (something I was looking forward to doing, given my love of fitness and strength). The most frustrating part of this setback is the fact that we may need to back off on the protein because it causes my body to produce more acid , therefore potentially damaging the inflammation and tears further. Just as my list of "safe" foods was starting to grow, I must scale back to foods that are bland and soft.

While I was on board with moving ahead, increasing food intake, and rebuilding muscle, I now need to be on board with damage repair. And I am. While I feel awful about creating such damage in my body, I also realize that it can (hopefully) be reversed and that setbacks are part of the recovery process. And as much as I would like to beat myself up for choosing to purge those few times in Orlando, I also know that an eating disorder does not just vanish because I want it to.

The recovery process, for me, has been filled with triumphs and setbacks. I have to say, this recent development is a big wake-up call, not only because of the pain I'm in, but also because of the motivation it provides. Past setbacks, relapses, and hard times have left me feeling frustrated, but this one has ignited a true fire within me.

What makes this wake-up call a louder one that those preceding it?

It's louder because I experienced what freedom from an eating disorder feels like. I know I am making progress, and LA and Dr. Joe confirm that to me. I know I can eat normally and not focus on food- I did it in Jacksonville and I did it at the wedding over the weekend. I know I have the strength in me to kick this. So while the battle I'm facing now related to my health scares me, I am more motivated than ever to fix it, use it as the wake-up call it's intended to be, and make sure I never have to experience it again.

Life's Big Events

I have been blessed with quite a few groups of friends, but it is no secret that the Grad School Girls have been and always will be my closest inner circle. You may recall reading about our escapades while in Nashville recently- one of many trips and experiences we have shared together.

The six of us met while earning our Master of Education degrees in Higher Education Administration. While we were surrounded by many during that shared experience, we somehow developed a bond with each other that I doubt will ever be broken.

We have beared witness to each other's weddings (with the exception of one, who was married just before we all met), and this weekend we experienced one last wedding together...until we all move on to our second and third marriages later in life.

Kidding.

This time, it was J's turn. She was a gorgeous bride, and we all adore her new hubby. The photo booth at their reception was a huge hit, and we all have been blessed with totally inappropriate, drunken photos to remember the night fondly. A highlight of the evening was our husbands teaming up to get the mothers and aunts into the photo booth (one by one). The middle-aged women swooned over the  cheek-kisses and lap dances they received from our men, while we wondered to ourselves "who the hell married these guys?"

One thing we do very well is provide any party with top-notch entertainment. In fact, now that that the last of the group has been married off, we decided we're going to need to expand the group to include other women whose weddings we may make memorable one day.

Anyhow, I haven't posted in a few days and was trying to decide what to write about this evening when I landed on the topic of, simply, life's big events and the people with whom we share them.

At the wedding, I thought about our table of nine (normally twelve, but one was without husband for the night, and J and her new man were, well, the guests of honor) and how many of life's big events we have shared with one another. We have helped each other through landing our first jobs (we half-joked about possibly needing to live together in cardboard boxes when we thought we'd end up unemplyed post-grad school), promotions, pregnancies (both successful ones producing adorable children and those that were lost), break-ups, engagements, nuptials, marriage struggles, custody battles, sick parents, divorces, deaths, first homes...While we have only been a part of each others' lives for about six years, we have enjoyed the group's support and company throughout perhaps the most formative and life-defining moments of our lives.

The friends with whom we experience life's big moments are tied to us for eternity, and the bonds just grow stronger and stronger with each triumph or struggle. This group, along with others in my life, have proved this to be true. When I have opened up enough to allow others in, life's moments (good or bad) have generally become a few shades richer.

I have had to learn that lesson the hard way. It has taken me a very long time to learn to trust, to lean on, and to place confidence in even the closest of friends for fear of abandonment. I'm not entirely sure where it came from (although Dr. Joe has a field day trying to make sense of it all), but I previously established a pattern in my life of holding people (even those I care deeply about) at an arm's length. I believe it was once for protection; if I did not let people in completely, their betrayals couldn't hurt me as much and it would be easier to walk away if I had to.

There have been several people in my life who have taught me to trust, break down walls, and open myself up. I'm especially thankful to the Grad School Girls for teaching me those lessons, allowing me to truly be myself, and building that fortress of support around me. No other group can bring me out of my shell, prod me just enough to open me up, and relax my tough exterior quite like they can.

They have also allowed me to believe that the truest of friends will not only stand by during life's joyous events, but will stand even closer for the painful ones. And when it's all said and done, they'll be waiting with a glass of wine (or a Jello shot or Buttery Nipple) to either celebrate or ease the pain...whichever life's big events call for.

ED Moment at the MCO

The MCO...the Orlando International Airport. Who knows where the M or the C comes from, but nevertheless, that's where I'm at. My flight leaves in about an hour, and then I'll be transported from sunny Florida to the gray, bone-chilling rain of the midwest (well, that's what I'm gathering from my local friends' recent Facebook posts, anyhow).

About twenty minutes ago I was walking in circles like an insane person in the Gates 90-99 Concourse, chewing my fingernails and looking around with wild eyes. Security did not look too concerned, however, so I must have beeen hiding my temporary insanity quite well.

What turned an over-educated, perfectly sane 28-year old into this nail-biting, wild-eyed, nervous airport pacer? A sudden moment of eating-disorder anxiety. That moment when you realize you need to eat (or else your dietitian will grab you by the neck and strangle you) and there is not a "safe" morsel of food within a 50-mile radius.

Culinary delights on MCO's Gates 90-99 Concourse include the following tantalizing options: Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs, Burger King, Starbucks, Outback Steakhouse, and Smoothie King. Let's process through these options, shall we? Get ready for the ride of your life: a journey through the irrational eating disordered mind. Fasten your seatbelts.

After spending the first 20 minutes post-security-check texting with The Mr., Mama K, and some other friends, I decide I probably need to eat something. It has been about 5 hours since my last meal (which was chicken and vegetable soup...I had suddenly started freaking out about the resort food yesterday and it never really went away). I scan the concourse options and begin the usual process of elimination:

Burger King- Definitely out, wouldn't even consider it. Didn't eat it before I developed the eating disorder, certainly not touching the shit now. Immediately crossed off the list.

Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs- While hot dogs do bring back many a childhood memory (my non-domesticated father nuking them in the microwave and then plopping them down in front of me for "dinner"), processed meat has never really been high on my list of preferred nutrition options. Even the all-beef versions are a little panic-inducing, considering LA has a hard enough time getting me to consume meats even in their most natural forms. Other Nathan's items? Fries. Sodas. Cookies. Haven't kept that stuff down in awhile, and purging is really not an option I want to consider. Nathan's gets the ax.

Outback Steakhouse- Eh, flight leaves in an hour. Don't want to sit for an actual meal. That would also require leaving a tip. Outback is black-lined.

That leaves the two beverage-heavy options: Starbucks and Smoothie King. I pace between the two about a dozen times, weighing the options.

Smoothie King has a peanut butter banana smoothie that instantly catches my eye. Peanut butter-banana smoothies are a main staple of my recovery diet, and I often eat a Greek yogurt-banana-PB version when I don't think I can handle a big meal or solid foods. It's LA-approved. BUT...I don't know anything about Smoothie King. Do they add a pound of sugar? Is their peanut butter all natural? Do their smoothies have 2,000 calories like some of the other "healthy" smoothie chains? Do they sneak something in there I can't pronounce? My mind reels, and I know taking down the seemingly innocent smoothie without this information is sure to make me purge, even in a germ-infested airport restroom.

I turn to my Blackberry and use my trusty nutrition facts application (not really the best thing for an ED patient to have on her phone, but I turn to it in only the most desperate of situations) to ease my mind. I stare at the screen, hoping my Blackberry will tell me it is perfectly fine to drink the smoothie and move on with my life like everyone else. Among the thousands of restaurants stored within this application, Smoothie King is not one of them.

Well damn.

Back to Starbucks, which I know does not count as food. But surely desperate times would allow me to consider a Skinny Caramel Latte (a "safe" choice for me) a meal, right? Probably not...and I'm trying to be a good eating disorder patient by eating when I'm told to eat and making good choices.

I strongly consider not eating. Who needs food anyhow? This is bullshit, all this work that has to go into this decision. For a moment, I hate myself for not being normal.

I strongly consider mindlessly ordering a giant Whopper and fries like the rest of the free world (who seem to have no problem at all eating this), and then just purging it immediately. I haven't had one in probably a decade and it might even taste good. But then what would be the point in eating it in the first place?

I decide I'm screwed. I need to eat something and I can't figure out what. I panic.

As I'm pacing the concourse with calories, sugar grams, fat, and artificial flavors flooding my brain, I've been texting Mama K about something unrelated (about the plush Fantasia Mickey I bought at Disney, to be exact). I derail the text conversation and text back: "What do you know about Smoothie King? I'm in eating disorder mode and I'm freaking out at the airport. No choices."

She texts back: "Starbucks protein smoothie thing...the one with the banana in it." (She knows this typically meets my approval, I talked her 14-year daughter into trying it earlier this week).

I respond: "No, normally ok but I'm freaking out about chocolate for some reason."

She (quite logically) recommends getting the strawberry-banana one, then. "No," I text back, "I have no idea what is in that."

By this time I am getting angry at myself. This is just ridiculous. Eat something and move on. And why rope Mama K into this insanity along with me?

But I can't. I'm paralyzed by the way my eating disordered mind processes through food decisions. In a moment of desperation, I dial LA.

"Hey, it's M. You familiar with Smoothie King?"

LA: "Yes. Why?"

Me: "Anything in there I should be worried about?"

LA: "Nope. Good choice. Go for it."

Me: "Ok, thanks..."

(I later texted Mama K and told her I think LA often lies to me to get me to eat outside my normal choices. But, hey, I still seek her stamp of nutritional approval in times like these).

So after this lengthy ordeal involving three individuals and a basic food choice, I choke down the smoothie.

These moments remind me that I do still need my support system. It is so easy for me to slip back into this panic when I lose my sense of control. At times, even basic decisions need to be made for me. I rely so heavily on the professionals to confirm my choices, but I also recognize that reaching out to them is something I need to be doing right now. Had LA not given me the green light on the smoothie, I probably would have skipped that meal or slipped back into the purging I'm trying to move past. For now, though, the fact that I need her to tell me to eat is ok, and I'm glad I have her to call when it all seems too overwhelming. She gets it, and isn't weirded out by my neurotic obsession over breaking down the ingredients in airport faire.

Reaching out is, in a sense, progress in the right direction.

As for the days at Disney and eating- there were ups and downs. LA and I actually talked on Monday evening, as I was melting down after eating (and purging- ok, I said this blog would be an honest portrayal...there you have it) lunch and dinner at the resort. I was extremely frustrated because I had eaten so well while in Jacksonville, and hardly obsessed over food at all. However, being alone at a resort with limited food options (well, not truly limited, but limited for someone like me), combined with nervousness about a professional presentation at the conference, was a recipe for an eating disorder trainwreck.

LA helped me see that I ate with ease in Jacksonville because it was a safe environment, and that my attention tends to focus back on controlling food when I'm 1. alone, 2. depressed, 3. feeling inadequate. All three of those plagued me a little while at the resort, despite the gorgeous weather and happy Disney people.

So by today (day 6 in Florida), there was bound to be a food-induced meltdown at the MCO. Six days away from my usual routine and safe foods is a looooong time. I handled three of them exceptionally well, and while the other three brought some hills and valleys, they can be chalked up to learning experiences that will help me tackle the next trip better.

And another outcome of this trip? Smoothie King has now been added to my List o' Acceptable Foods. Yippee :)